Seeing the ex side

[Confused123]

you know what was really proud of my progress and seeing ex uncle today as really trigger me off. This man just totally blanks me , and the fact that everyone knows in the community I was married into the family and stayed for so long and for him to just everytime i go to my place of worship and ocassionaly see him, we cross paths to and everytime he just turns his face or back to me . Being such an elder in the family and community it feels so weird for me to have to blank him .

Keep telling myself why would i want to talk to anyone in that family anyway since they clearly couldnt respect me , but it still hurts how they blank u as if you are in the wrong for just not wanting to get beaten up. At one point i thought im better then that and will show my respect and say hello, but then i thought no, why should I, I walked away from the marriage after giving all my strength and blood to make it work, if their nephew couldnt control himself and chose to abuse me thats not my fault and i wont lower my standards and say its ok what ex did to me , cause it wasnt and if they cant respect me for walking out cause i didnt want him to kill me and beat me up constantly , then i dotn want to know them either. What has really f me off is that the fact that I thought this family loved me so much and being in our culture our family is quite large and extended divided by areas too, even though i have relocated to be closer to my family the ex other side of family are here too and i was so close with the sister in law and brother in law down this end, but no doubt they have all been told not to talk to me by the uncle i presume as they also blank me, it just hurts so much.

I dont know why i let it get to me that the uncle will be saying to his sons and their wives i disgracefully blank him even though he turned his back to me first. My head sadly is just full of bad memories of how ex hurt me again, can feel my energy levels drop , will have to sleep early just to get over it . Sorry just had to moan and get it out of my system and only u ladies can relate and understand

[KIP.]

I think your bodys reaction is telling you it’s still toxic. Which is understandable. It’s stressful being near any reminders and triggers. They know where you are if they want to reach out but I think it’s best for your health to hold your head high and concentrate on your own worship. Don’t think of it as blanking, it’s just getting on with life x I try to think of the good time I had with my step daughter. The good memories of which there were loads but she has written to say she doesn’t wish me to contact her and I have to respect that although I know her dad is behind this. Change can be a good thing too. One door closes and another one opens x

[lover of no contact]

Hi confused,

I know, this side of the abuse really affects me, hurts me and brings me down. Anyone or anything I come into contact with which has a connection to an abuser (either my ex, my abuser mum and abuser boss). The abuser always has ‘an army’, or ‘allies’ or call them ‘flying monkeys’. These are the people who believe the lies spread about us, our character being smeared etc. These people when ‘under the influence’ of the toxic drug namely my abusers, change in their attitude towards me. I find it so painful also.

Even my daughter’s boyfriend who I loved and he loved me, he in my opinion was such a lovely person and treats my daughter royally. Well recently his attitude has changed towards me. I can’t put my finger on it but his warmth towards me has gone and he has ‘that look’ the look that says he believes abusers (and their associates), opinions on me. I know now he is probably ‘under the influence of the ex and his army’ and it hurts. Another one influenced against me.

I’ve heard it called the ‘abuser’s echo chamber’. My children, my ex’s family/friends, all live in denial, all live in the abuser’s echo chamber. I’m out on my own in the land of reality. And it hurts a lot when my family are in the abuser’s echo chamber and believe how he portrays reality.

But I’d still rather have awareness (albeit painful) than still be trapped in my abuser’s echo chamber.

Have a good sleep and hopefully the pain and rejection will be less tomorrow.

[Confused123]

hey hun

hope u well thxs for reply. yes i know i have to have closure from all the family as they will always set me off, and like u said where this door is closing another will open for me. just find it hard as when they see my son they hug him and give him love and see me and look the other way. suppose its all for the best really that they blank me, lets me keep my distance too without been weaned back in

[Confused123]

hey lover of no contact

your words are so true, suppose everyday is a healer and we get stronger , in time i suppose will learn to ignore petty reaction like that

[lover of no contact]

That’s really helpful for me to hear, one door closes another one opens. That’s so true and I want to accept others’ choices even if their choices don’t include spending time with me (at this moment in time). So true for every person who doesn’t want to engage with me and has ‘that look’ (due to abuser being in their ear about me), there are plenty of others who do wish to engage with me.

I like that spin on it, to think of the good times, and the good memories. No one can take that away.

[Serenity]

Hi Confused,

I can understand how the situation must have been triggering. Well done for being so brave and for seeing it through. You have every right to be in your community and to worship, and I am glad that you don’t feel that you can’t go.

You say he’s an elder in the community. Well, some people might be too scared to stand up to him, but I am sure that there are many people- good people- who will have witnessed it, and the cold treatment of your in-law’s cold treatment of you on other occasions, who feel very uncomfortable witnessing the cold and harsh behaviour of someone who is meant to be looked up to for their integrity! There are people like you and I in any community who know that compassion and kindness, basic civility and treating others with basic respect is what gives someone their true humanity.

There will be a band of people- just like in any religious or cultural community, in fact any grouping, who are either too scared, weak or unaware to stand up to someone in a place of authority, even if they sense that person is wrong. And there are many people, unfortunately, who place social appearances above the messy truth. I remember listening to a priest once who was getting angry that domestic abuse was being proactively highlighted in churches: he said that church was a place to worship and engage in liturgy, not to discuss things like abuse. Yet there are other priests who very much believe that the churches need to very much deal with the ugly realities in life.

I don’t know about you, but I would much rather have zero support from people and be real, than to have relationships with fake people.

I am sure some of your ex’s family did very much care for you, but are too scared to rock the boat. That is their failing. You’ve done nothing wrong. Hold your head up high and show your community what a real survivor is.

[Confused123]

hey hun

thx u for your reply, your words hold real truth

[Pondlife]

I agree with Serenity.

Also, lets face it, DV is so poisonous and dysfunctional, it messes with relationships and social norms. I think people around us, the whole of society, struggle not just with the unpleasantness with it. There are a lot of aspects that make people feel uncomfortable and ill at ease.

I am still realising just how powerful it is, now I am facing its legacy and aftermath.

While the domestic abuse is happening, people around us know its happening, and yet dont want it to be happening, so they wilfully ignore it, or ignore you, but that causes them internal struggle, cognitive dissonance. They end up feeling a range of conflicting emotions, from confusion, to anger, to alienation, to helplessness and guilt and often even resentment. Your ex’s family- some of their hostility towards you maybe linked to feeling guilty or ashamed, or just wishing you weren’t there, to remind them of the reality of their own family member’s behaviour.

Its so so hard. Especially when we are at our most vulnerable, and crave affirmation and support. As victims turned survivors, we are also sensitive to the minutiae of human interaction because when we were abused we were on high alert, every facial twitch, every change of tone would have caused hormonal changes in our bodies as we sensed the threat of attack or the relief of safety. It is not a weakness in us, it is a strength and a sign that we are human, but it makes everything so raw. It is so brave of you to keep going to that place of worship, and facing his family like that- be aware of the stress it is having on your body. I hope I am not talking about of turn here. I am not saying don’t go there, I am saying be kind to yourself.

It sounds very cheesy, and its an extremely hard thing to do, but the only thing you can do, is stay true to yourself, and look at the long term picture. You have done the right thing in leaving an abusive partner. You have been good to other people in your circle, in your world. You may very well get some short term weirdness, some suspicion. You cant stop people being weird or uncomfortable with you. All you can do is act with consistency and integrity. If you do that, in the long term, people will trust you, and realise you are the honest one. Your ex may tell lies about you, or charm people, or use tricks to get sympathy or allegiance. They wont last because they aren’t real. The people that matter will stick by you.

In my community, people have been warm and supportive about me leaving the clutches of abuse. My friends and associates are relieved because at various levels they knew or sensed that I was in danger, that things weren’t right. But I know some of my closest and dearest friends and close family are still upset, angry even, that I behaved the way I did for so long. That I lied to protect my abusive ex. That I wilfully put myself in danger, that I ‘chose’ to be in a relationship that was harmful to myself, and could have been harmful to my kids. One of my best and most honest friends, who tried to help me get out of the relationship (I spurned her help as I was scared) said when I offered to babysit, very frankly “I dont trust you with your own kids, let alone mine.”

Stay strong. You are doing so well x*x

[Confused123]

Hey hUn

Thank you for your reply, what u and serenity have said is so true and if anything it strengthens my belief that their behaviour reflects their behaviour and their family. I think to a certain extent it will hurt me but then i stand for my own beleifs and try to not let them enrage me . Im almost used to it or immune to it as when i lived in previous town the ex and his family did the same and even the commnunity came hostile towards me, but i really said to everyone i dont care , ignore me , my faith is important to me and if u want to judge me carry on ,its not my shame

[Author]

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