Seeking Advice

[Little Bear]

I’m looking for some advice as I don’t know where else to go (and apologies for the long story).

(date removed by moderator), I went out with my friends that I haven’t seen for a while and we were having such a good night that I messaged my boyfriend and asked if it was okay to have a few more drinks than usual as he does not like me drinking or going out, he did say yes but I could tell he was not happy about it so I still didn’t get drunk and stayed reasonable. When we got out I met him and he immediately started a fight saying how he’d begged me not to get drunk and I had ruined everything. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t, just tipsy, but he wouldn’t listen and kept trying to storm off, saying he could tell by looking at me. This went on for some time before he admitted the real reason he was upset, which was nothing to do with me (detail removed by moderator)so I was quite upset by this point and when he stormed off this time I didn’t follow him. I went back to my friends for roughly half an hour before I checked my phone, which my friend had in their bag as I went out without one. When I looked I had loads of missed calls and messages begging me to come meet him and implying he planned on harming himself. I immediately left and called him but he kept hanging up mid conversation so I went looking for him. (detail removed by moderator) The police also arrived and when I went to meet them I saw him so they took a statement from us both and sent me home with him. He kept trying to argue with me saying none of this would have happened if I hadn’t gotten drunk .. (detail removed by moderator) He eventually fell asleep and then the next morning he was still angry with me and wouldn’t listen to my side of the story or believe that I wasn’t drunk. I then asked him to leave but he wouldn’t(detail removed by moderator) I had had enough and drove to his house but he refused to get out of the car and continued to argue and saying if he got out the car I’d never see him again etc. He has messaged me incessantly ever since, turning up at my house almost every day and calling me, threatening to harm himself if I don’t let him in or answer. It made me realise that actually he’s used this to manipulate me into things before. He also didn’t like me seeing my friends or going to exercise classes saying that my classes would break us up and it would be all my fault. I went to the doctor (detail removed by moderator) and they advised me to cut off contact with him but I’m just terrified of what will happen if I do. They called him in (detail removed by moderator) but he just left and I’ve spoken to his family but he just tells them he’s fine.

Basically, I have no idea what to do as I am frightened of what he will do if I cut contact with him but I can’t go on like this. We have only been together for (detail removed by moderator) so I’m worried that it’ll only get worse, and he has occassionally physically hurt me but I think it was accidental. He also makes comments like “if you love me you’d do it” if he asks me to do something I don’t want to and constantly makes me prove that I love him. I’m not sure if this is normal?

Thank you in advance.

[equinoxal]

Hi Little Bear, I’m sorry to read about your horrible situation. It sounds like you’re in an extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. My boyfriend is similar in that he uses manipulation to prevent me from doing things, except he threatens to harm me in some way rather than himself.

As you already seem to be doing, you should tell as many people who you both trust as you can about his threats- his parents, friends, relatives etc- this way, in the event that he really does harm himself, you will feel less personally responsible. Also call Women’s Aid, as they will have some good advice for you and how to deal with this situation.

It’s not worth living half a life spent being controlled by him. It may sound harsh but I think you should continue to cut off all contact with this man. Imagine yourself in a year, five years from now- still with him, afraid of leaving him for fear of him killings himself. I guarantee his abusive behaviour will only worsen in that time.

You should also know that if he really does harm himself, you are not responsible or to blame. You cannot control the actions of others.
I hope everything works out for you.xx

[Little Bear]

Thank you so much for your reply! I know cutting him off is the right thing to do but I am having trouble finding the strength so it really does help hearing it from someone else.xx

[womaninneed]

Hi Little Bear

I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this.

I can relate to your post in so many ways. I dont want to tell you not to take him back, that is all up to you, but if I knew what I know now when I met my partner all those years ago, I wouldve ran for the hills.

When I met my partner, he didnt start off abusive, they never do. He also did what your partner did. I wasnt allowed going out with friends or drinking or even just going to a shop with my mom (I was so young when we met). He would threaten to leave me if I did anything he didnt agree with. I was so young and still in school and wasnt even allowed washing my hair, I didnt see the red flags. I was so inlove with him that I thought it was normal and obeyed his every command just so that he wouldnt leave me. I was vulnerable…

You say your partner has been physical, but that it was accidents? That is how we started out, he would “accidentally” burn me, or push me off the bed or trip me, hit me, kick me…the list goes on. And if I confronted him about it, he would tell me it was an accident or he was only playing and if I told him but he really hurt me, he would tell me to grow up. I would never forget the first time he actually hit me and admitted to hurting me. I play it over and over in my head and wonder why I didnt stand up and leave, but he apologized and said he will never do it again and so I stayed. The physical part just got worse, after the first hit, if you didnt do anything about it, they know they can get away with it and then do whatever they want with you. When I finally had enough and left him, he would show up at my school and embarrass me if I didnt want to get in his car, or he would phone my mom and arrange to pick me up for a date and if I refused, he would threaten me. He never left me alone. The one day he even tried breaking my arm, he only let go once I told him I wont leave him.

Looking back at my life, I wish that first time I wouldve seen him for who he is. We have been together for years now and the abuse is so bad that I even fear for the life of my family. I cant leave him, mainly because he is all I know and I fear the unknown, I fear him and what he is capable off and I have no where to go.

I want to urge you to think about your relationship and try and get out while you can, before it gets worse and you are stuck. There are so many red flags in your post and I know you care for him and he threatens with suicide, but it is only empty threats to pull you back. Please be so careful with what you do next and try and get away while you can

Hope you dont mind me telling you my story, hope it will help you to see him for who he really is.

Stay safe and I hope for the best for you

xox

[Suntree]

You get a non molestation order to stop him harassing you and you keep to it.
If he threatens to harm himself you call 999 and ask for an ambulance and tell them that he is threatening to kill himself and you let them deal with it.

Don’t get dragged in, it will just make everything worse. You can do this

[Author]

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