This topic contains 15 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  freedomtochoose 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #70543
     TeaTeaTea 
    Participant

    Ok…My daughter has recently started saying things like “I don’t like daddy because he kicks me…”, which sounds terrible. He play fights with her most days, and she does not get hurt and I absolutely do not think he would harm her. If that were the case, we’d be gone already. Sometimes she enjoys play fighting and initiates it, and other times she’s just not interested, which might be part of the issue. Or, she could be picking up some of my feelings. I don’t know.

    But, I think it’s unusual for a child to talk like this, right? I don’t really know how to proceed, where to seek advice, what might happen next, etc. so any pointers would be appreciated. I would speak to him, but I doubt that would have any impact.

    Thank you.

  • #70551
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    Just a thought, but how about a martial arts class for her.
    The best ones teach ethics about when to fight and when to run…
    and respect for people. Also that you do not fight in the street.
    She could work off energy that way, playfully and safely in a group environment.
    Some people don’t like it but early on it worked well for us.
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #70555
     TeaTeaTea 
    Participant

    Hi, thanks. It is something I have considered, but it won’t solve the whole issue.

    Ideally he wouldn’t start it as much and would stop when she’s clearly had enough.

  • #70556
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Can you ask her to describe how the kick came about in detail? Just drop it into conversation in a casual way maybe when you’ve got her attention. It concerns me that you think she may be picking up some of your feeling. Not sure what you mean. Feelings of fear. If she is exposed to abuse, it’s going to affect every part of her life. Abusers often do things to instigate confrontation as an excuse to rage and abuse. I wonder also if he’s setting you up for an argument. Abusers are nasty and twisted.

  • #70557
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I suppose in even a play fight he shouldnt be kicking her. Unless its in a pretend kick boxing/martial art type of toy fighting. she might be picking up on your feelings but thats her survival instinct kicking in. Kids are so perseptive and truthful to a fault. Id observe any behaviour and decide for yourself. Id address it if it keeps on happening. Im not sure of your situation but id listen to your child. its great that she feels that she can be open and confide in you 🙂 They say that the only person that can truly protect a child is the mother xxxx diy

  • #70561
     TeaTeaTea 
    Participant

    The kick she was referring to was just a playful kick from him, no harm done, but she obviously didn’t like it. It’s just over the last couple of weeks or so, she’s started saying that she doesn’t like daddy. I don’t think his behaviour has particularly changed, but he was home a lot over Xmas.

    By picking up my feelings, I mean that he also play fights with me and is rougher than I would like, so she may be picking up that I don’t like it. For example, a week or so ago he picked up a tea towel and “joked” that he was going to whip her with it. He wouldn’t have done it hard or at all, but she did not get hit because I stood in the way, so he got me instead. He’s got me with a tea towel before, so that’s what she might be picking up on.

    Like I said, I don’t believe that he would seriously hurt her. It’s not knowing when to stop (or not start) and how much is too much.

  • #70563
     wheredoibegin 
    Participant

    My ex was exactly the same with the “play fighting” and did exactly the same thing with the tea towel, none of us found it funny and he always took it to far but would then say it was only a joke. What I have noticed though since leaving my relationship is how none of my friends relationships have the type of play fighting we used to have especially with their kids. Xx

    • #70568
       TeaTeaTea 
      Participant

      Thanks for your reply.

      Does your ex still see your children? If so, do you know whether he still play fights with them?

    • #70573
       wheredoibegin 
      Participant

      Hi tea tea tea, no he does not have contact with them at the moment! I always thought of it as me being to sensitive but its really not, I know a lot of kids play fight but I think when its the parent initiating it, its not really right. Definetly about showing who is more in “control”. Like the other ladies said my advise is just have a word with your little one about what has upset them and then if you can talk to your partner and say that your child really isn’t liking it and take it from there. Its really only now I see how wrong all this play fighting was and it wasn’t playing at all. X*x

  • #70564
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s not play fighting if it’s rougher than you like. Its not ok to carry on when you don’t like it. It’s not a joke if she’s frightened she will get whipped with the towel. It’s not a joke that you have to step in to protect her. It’s strange that you say you don’t think he would seriously hurt her. Any kind of hurt is unacceptable. Serious or otherwise. I don’t mean to criticise but when we are being abused we often can’t recognise it. Perhaps talking things through with women’s aid might give you a clearer picture. Either the helpline or your local centre. My ex hid his abuse behind ‘jokes’. I was too sensitive. Or it was just a joke. That’s a typical abuser tactic.

    • #70567
       TeaTeaTea 
      Participant

      By pointing out that I don’t think he’d seriously hurt her, I’m trying to excuse the rest of his behaviour. I just don’t know what to do about this aspect of his behaviour in particular, whether I need to flag it up really clearly and what that might mean for contact between them two of them, or whether it wouldn’t make any difference at all. Just trying to get a rough idea of what will happen.

  • #70565
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, it’s not all about deliberately hurting to cause pain but being flicked with a tea towel is pretty sore. It’s about the whole power and control of the situation. My oh has done it in the past, does it to the dogs too. But what I found was if I did it to him, he retaliated by doing something harder to me. They know it hurts, but will use the I’m only playing with you, you’re too sensitive,/ can’t take a joke/ did it with my last partner(she always enjoyed play fighting by the way(according to him).
    It’s not about seriously hurting your child, it’s about him not stopping when asked to. Definately keep an eye on it and keep a note of these instances. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of rough and tumble, I remember doing it with my own dad too and how he’d go into a huff when I’d say he was hurting me. Men just don’t like being told off period I think. It’s maybe just their way of bonding with their children, their dad did it with them, that sort of thing. But like anything in life, if you dont like what’s being said or done to you, you have the right to ask for it to stop.
    IWMB 💕💕

    • #70569
       TeaTeaTea 
      Participant

      Yes. If do something back to my partner, he just does something else harder. Now I just walk away, if it’s just me and him. I can also relate to the just a joke/me being too sensitive thing.

    • #70612
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi there,

      There should be clear boundaries in playfighting and it sounds like your daughters boundary was crossed. You mentioned standing in way when he wanted to whip her with tea towel. Its concerning that he kicks as that sounds too far for a playfight. You could call the NSPCC helpline to talk this through.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes
      Lisa

  • #70566
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I think the above is very true. Youll know your husband best, its all about setting boundaries i suppose. I always think its good to teach kids that if something makes them feel uncomfortable or upset to speak up and say they dont like this and can they stop. It prepares them in all walks of life 🙂

    This happened to me recently, my new partner is a very physically powerful man, hes heavy. He was toy fighting with my daughter and he wasnt realising his own strength.He feels its his way of toughening her up. My daughter has been through alot already and she was getting upset. We ended up telling him this might not be a good plan at her age now, shes still at primary school. If its upsetting your little one and hes aware of that then he needs to respect her wishes and stop, if that was me id change my approach towards my child if i new she was uncomfortable due to my actions xx Its a tricky one trying to suss out what a child is feeling and thinking xx

  • #70669
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    Yes agree that thinking of martial arts class doesn’t solve the ‘whole’ issue, but may be helpful
    in future, or indeed other kind of sport which buiids confidence. Mine doesn’t do the class any more as they were more interested in other things, but the experience was useful in lots of ways, not least because it provided a social group and fitness.

    I have noticed personally that abusive men often seem to ‘laugh things off’ like this as it were and try to pass it off as a joke.

    Obviously it isn’t, and as a mum you have a perfect right (as do your kids) to say it is unacceptable.

    all best
    ftc
    x

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