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I told him what goes round in my head and about my break down last night.
He tried so hard.
He went over the given time.
I could see that he really wanted to help me.
Is it too late?
I have asked for help for so long and it took years.
I am afraid I am beyond help now.
I cannot get over the rapes and the abuse that I have been through. That eats me up slowly. I do not want to be in this body. -
It’s not too late, Ayanna. I really get that feeling of not wanting to be in your body. I went from chronic dissociation to being in my body but wanting to cut out my vagina because I couldn’t bear what had happened to it. This was from trauma many years ago in childhood as well as more recently in my marriage. But I have come to love my body, all of it, and I treat it with care. I rarely hurt myself now, not even picking a spot! The trauma can be processed. It’s a slow painful journey. I read loads about trauma, had skilled counselling for a long time, did yoga for trauma and self-compassion meditations (both at home online).
This psychologist sounds as though he wants to help. I really hope he is skilful at his job and can give you the safe space you need to heal. Give it time. Traumatic memories stay the same regardless of whether they happened last week or decades ago. They can feel so oppressive and impossible to escape but you can take back control and reprocess them into manageable memories that don’t take over your life xx -
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Hi Ayanna
Had to reply to you to tell you that life can get better despite your history or how traumatised you feel.It is only natural to feel despair and pain .This is part of a healing process.Take bereavement: after a loss most people are shattered for some time-moving through a wall of sorrow and other emotions not seeing light at the end of the tunnel but the light comes eventually.And their dawn arrives because they have expressed their feelings allowing their grief to transform to more comfortable days.Hope grows along with the ability to let them see a happy future.
It is like this for you too.I know it is complicated by other situations but remember you are a true survivor.You have got this far.You have the truth.You have enormous courage.You have felt anger at injustice. Anger helps us to live and get power from this energy.Think like the little snowdrop -even though it seems fragile–it survives to push its way through a bank of snow and cold to emerge towards the light.Survivors are like this too.Times may seem dark but the light is always waiting.Let this man help you and remind yourself that there are people out there who have compassion and kindness. Sending you hugs.
Jupiter x x -
Hang in there, it got worse before it got better for me. The fact he went over the time is great. I had an idiot who interrupted a rape story to tell me my time was up! They need to be interested in helping you which he sounds like he is. Keep going. You’re doing great. Keep being very kind to yourself x
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Well done Ayanna for hanging on in there and not giving up and reaching out for support from the counsellor and us. You will get there, you will survive the trauma of your past. Don’t let the abuser win. You have already used your horrible experiences (of abuse/trauma) to help us ladies on here. As Peaceful Pig says, you are taking steps to take back control and reprocess the trauma/abuse into manageable memories that don’t take over your life.
Keep taking it one step at a time, baby steps, one day at a time. That’s all you can do. That’s all any of us can do. Be really, really gentle with yourself.
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Ayanna,
The fact that he tried so hard and went over the given time bodes very well for future therapy with him. And just think of it as a process, a slow one. As others have said it may get worse before it gets better, but that is part of healing. You have probably internalised so much for so long that it will take some time to process your pain.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
x -
Thank you all so much for your replies.
My brain is such a mess. My thoughts are so confused and I cannot focus.
I still feel as if I am in the centre of a battle of life and death, although I already had (detail removed by moderator) peace and minimal events.
Everything is as present as if I lived in parallel universes. I cannot separate the past from the present.
Flashbacks from my childhood mingle with flashbacks from the last marriage and flashbacks from other abusive relationships.
I eat myself to death, my only way of coping.
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