Self-belief – how do I rebuild it

[searchingforhope]

I’m posting alot lately. I’m really struggling with the next step and making a move

I’ve realised a huge part of the problem is my self-belief is non-existent. how can I overcome this? I’ve such support behind me, yet I’m so stuck. Those invisible strings someone else mentioned in a post recently. I need to cut them. I need to be free.

[sunshineLollypops]

Hello,
Sending you hugs and support.
What really helped me which I know isn’t for everyone is going to exercise classes – made me feel good about myself again and I managed to meet people after people isolated for so long. If you can’t make classes going for walks.
I’ve read a few modern poetry / quote books too which I have loved and as each page is short easy to fit in:
The she book
Milk and honey
Inward
It’s a matter of finding what you enjoy doing and building on it.
I believe once you start doing what you enjoy and embracing your freedom it builds your self worth.
S x*x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks, maybe that’s exactly whats needed, a build up of little things. xx

[nbumblebee]

I know right now im nobody to give advice but Im gonna anyway 🤣 could you volunteer?
Sounds silly but an hour a week makes a difference to someone else and you. Its how i started my job. Just one hour a week then I grew and it became a job a career even. Have a look at near by places dogs shelters if you cant face people, elderly, library, theres lots out there and you dont need any talent just an hour a week. It made me feel needed, wanted, useful and stopped me feeling lonley and afraid during covid.
Its a weird feeling to get used too you know I cant say it helps my self esteme mine has perminatly done a runner i think but it helps me get up each day skme days it even makes me smile.
Its worth a try.
Sending you hugs hope you find your way sweetie xxxxxx

[searchingforhope]

Aww thank you. That is another good suggestion. I guess the sad thing about that is I have so many good things in my life that I should have good self-belief, its just he has made me question myself so much with his dismissing of the issues I’ve raised with him and questioning everything I did for him. i only ever had the best intention. But he has explained everything away by saying, well I only did X because you did whatever first. So that’s why my self belief is on the floor. I’ve called him out on a sexual assault which he has apologised for, but then defended and dismissed, and how great he is for still wanting him back despite me accusing him of that. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
My feelings aren’t valid. Like I can’t think for myself as his voice seems to live in my head. I wonder how’s the best way to overcome that.
I work fulltime, so realistically fitting in volunteering isn’t an option, but I need to start doing something more regularly for myself.

[Wants To Help]

Hi searchingforhope,

Abusers work hard (but in a subtle way) to destroy our self confidence, self worth, self esteem and self belief. That way, when we totally doubt ourself and our abilities, we look to them for validation, and they will give it us when they want to – just enough to make us feel we are good at something, but then they will take it away again with another insult, dig, cynical judgement etc. That is how they have a hold over us and somehow ‘keep us in our place’. For example, if they tell us enough that we are a mess, getting fat, have let ourselves go, that no one else would want us to so we should be grateful that they want us… well, we’re not really going to go out and have an affair are we because we feel so unattractive about ourselves that we haven’t got the confidence to believe we’d attract another man?! If they tell us we’re stupid, boring, can’t do anything right, can’t hold an interesting conversation… then we’re not going to go and look for a job, or apply for a promotion that could get us moving in new circles and meet new people, and possibly take us away from them.

Have a look back to what you were like before you met him. What did you do? How often? How good were you at it? Were you happy doing it? Did you enjoy the company you were with and did they enjoy yours?

If you were capable of doing things before you met him then you are absolutely capable of doing things again. @nbumblebee is right about voluntary work and I always advocate this as I too found value in volunteering when I left my abuser and had to live in a refuge. Volunteering allowed me to give back to others as a thank you for the help that I’d received, it also led to a paid job for me. (Detail removed by Moderator).

If you work full time in the week then how about an hour of volunteering on a Saturday or Sunday? There’s always something available if you want it. Another option is doing something all by yourself that requires a commitment three times a week and that’s the Couch To 5K running programme. This was great for me, I downloaded the app, committed myself to doing it for half hour every other day and within 10 weeks I was running just over 3 miles 3-4 times a week. My MH improved immensely, I lost weight, I became the fittest I’d ever been in my life and I felt great. All of that improved my confidence.

xx

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