Self doubt, am I being ridiculous?

[Feelingconfused]

This very difficult for me to write as normally consider myself as a strong independent woman and I would support anyone in need. Now, I am asking for help which is a big step for me.
The big question I keep asking myself is…is it abuse? An incident happened yesterday that has now made me realise this could be true. This keeps going round and round in my head.
Yesterday, (detail removed by moderator). Something I had spent alot of money and time planning. We were in a middle of a very busy shop with our children. (Detail removed by moderator). He then grabbed my arm to prevent me to leave, I tried to shrug him off and told him to let go but he didn’t want to. I then felt scared and conscious that our son could be watching. I was wondering whether a member of the public would intervene. I was able in the end to walk away from the situation.
Now this has happened before but in private and away from our children. Incidents usually happen whereby we have an argument, I try to leave the room to get some space. He then either stands in the door way to prevent me leaving, grabs my arms tightly and leaves bruises. He sometimes stands very closely to me shouting for me to talk to him. This instantly makes me feel very withdrawn and want to get away from the situation. I had a thumb mark bruise on my wrist once which was picked up on by my work colleague. I instantly brushed it off and actually felt embarrassed by it.
I have tried to pick him up on it, he always shifts the blame onto me. He says that whatever harm he does to me is my fault. And for the first time, I actually feel scared because of my children. He hasn’t actually slapped, punched or kicked me so maybe grabbing me isn’t really that bad?
On the outside, we have everything in terms of a secure house, health, we are not financially challenged. Is it really all my fault? If we are not arguing, he does let me out of the house. He doesn’t text me constantly. I am on maternity leave currently and have applied for a more senior position. My friends have given me lots of confidence in applying for this job, my husband said he was reluctant for me to do it.
His father was incredibly controlling over his mother when he was alive. At times, I feel that he also tries to control his mother. I have tried to stop him from doing this but he doesn’t listen to me.
I’m starting to doubt who I am, i would say im an outgoing person that likes to spend time with my family. I’m worried that I am now beginning to become quite withdrawn. If I tell my friends and family how I am feeling, I don’t think they will believe me. My dad even and is a ‘good man’ I’m feeling lost.

[freedomtochoose]

fc well done for posting.
sure other ladies on here will have helpful things to say about this.
at the moment I would offer validation for your feelings.
yes, it is quite clearly abuse.
you are in the right place here.

blame shifting (him saying it was all your fault) is sadly a classic feature of such abuse.

the longer it goes on, the longer we tend to suffer and unfortunately become perhaps depressed etc.

What stands out for me in your post is the fact that you have been very brave and continued to work etc

I also notice you are expecting, and on maternity leave?

My advice at this early stage is to bear in mind how important your financial independence is. And to make sure you have relevant funds stashed away, so that if you needed to leave with your kids (or separate) you have all your ducks in a row.

that sounds drastic and you will need to take things step by step.
however your safety is paramount as ladies on here will confirm.

please also phone women’s aid

all best
ftc
x

[KIP.]

It’s sad to realise that someone we love is actually abusing us and this is abuse. The fact you’re confidence is suffering, your mental health is all due to his behaviour. Google Gaslighting. Being a strong independent woman doesn’t prevent you being abused. Grabbing you and preventing you from leaving is illegal. It’s controlling behaviour and physical abuse. My exes father was also an abuser. Not that everyone is the same but a lot of the traits I saw in his father were also in him. Please ring the helpline number for a chat. They are great at helping you work out things in your head. Say you had just met this man and was on a first date and he grabbed you, prevented you from leaving shouting in your face. He would be arrested and put in jail for a very long time. What he’s doing is what he chooses to do. None of this is your fault. He chooses to behave this way. My abuser very much escalated with the birth of my son. Midwives are trained in domestic abuse as it’s often when these men begin or get worse.

[KIP.]

No your not being ridiculous. You’re being abused x

[Flowerchild]

Not ridiculous, Confused, darling. It’s clearly abuse, and it’s clearly escalating. His private behaviours are popping up in public, which is his choice.

Abuse typically escalates when a woman is pregnant or has given birth. It also escalates when someone else is the centre of attention (Detail removed by moderator). 

Your promotion threatens his control and it looks like he is upping his efforts to dominate.

You are in very real danger. Don’t rely on a random member of the public challenging him to protect yourself and your little ones; that’s for you to trigger. Help is out there – just reach out.

Flower x

[diymum@1]

Physical abuse involves causing harm and injury to a victim An abuser can cause physical injury through the use of weapons, restraint or the use of their own size or strength.
To classify physical abuse or violence, an injury does not have to be major or require medical treatment. Physical abuse can also include; burning, shaking, pushing, punching, biting and grabbing.

I always felt grabbing and restraint weren’t abuse but according to identifying what is physical abuse it is xx

much love diymum

[Feelingconfused]

Thank you all so much for your advice, I have started protecting myself more by changing the password on my phone (detail removed by moderator), Iv signed out of my emails on our joint tablet.
I do have some money saved up, I never wanted to rely on anyone for money if I can help it. I will look into where I stand with my children in that respect also. I don’t feel brave enough today to ring woman’s aid but I will after the weekend when he’s gone back to work.
My husband recognised that is father was very controlling, I have actually in the past that I’m glad he is nothing like his father! Now it’s like a light has been switched on and iv suddenly realised what has been going on.
I am going to do everything I can to ensure that my children and myself are protected

[freedomtochoose]

we are so proud of you fc.
imagine a future a few years on.
you can do it
ftc
x

[KIP.]

Please don’t let him know about any of your plans. Quietly get some free legal advice. Most solicitors offer a free initial consultation. Keep a journal. Try to write down all the incidents you remember and how they left you feeling. Abusers leave us feeling confused so if you keep a journal you can look back when you have quiet time and hopefully see a pattern. Very often their abuse is bad just when we are happy. They pull the rug. (Detail removed by moderator).  My abuser would then do his best to ruin it. There’s a book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. And Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It’s a good place to start x

[Flowerchild]

Photograph any bruises he leaves and note the date and details on your passworded phone, darling. He is very likely to deny everything if you report the abuse. It’s an assault to grab you, even if he doesn’t bruise you.

Email the pictures to yourself as backup in case anything happens to your phone.

Documentation may be really important in the weeks and months to come.

[Feelingconfused]

Thank you, your advice is actually really helpful. I have a large bruise on my arm and I have no idea where it came from. I have started to keep a log, I also told my friends what’s been going on which was hard because my close friends have also been friends with him a long time. They are very supportive and have offered a place for us to stay if we need it

[KIP.]

Another place to visit is your GP. It’s really important that it’s logged with them. This kind of evidence is invaluable should you ever need to take things further. Let your GP know what was in your post. The past abuse and how you’re feeling. It may feel like an over reaction but I can tell you if and when push comes to shove he will show no mercy. The abuse got off the scale when my ex was arrested. Even after his arrest he did everything to try to destroy me financially, mentally, using our children etc so pace yourself and get all your ducks in a row before getting him involved. It’s good you have a place to go but why should you? There are options available to have him removed from the family home. An occupation order. So please keep all evidence of the abuse and if any witnesses are willing to give you a supporting statement it might be worth going down that route x

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