Self esteem

[iwillbeok]

I am struggling at the moment with connecting what my support people around me recognise and what I feel in myself. I have people who want to spend time with me, people I have only really become good friends with after I was free. They say that they can see a difference in me. How strong I am being and what a good mum I am to my two teens. I feel it yet I dont at the same time. I know I am happier without him and feel more myself than I have for more than half my life. I try to boost my daughters self esteem and tell myself to listen to what I am saying to her for my own healing.
Why do we find it so much easier to listen to the criticisms of others and our own inner critic than the positive? How is that useful? I dont get it.

This quote below popped up on my Pinterest feed and I burst into tears with such a pain in my heart:

” I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful and purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think “yes, I’m exactly who I want to be”. To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world. And you should never forget.”

Crying again now having typed all that out…

Hugs to all. xx

[Serenity]

Hi I Will Be Ok,

Sending big hugs your way.

We are our own worst critics very often. Whether we were always self-critical ( maybe we didn’t receive validation from our family), or whether our abuser best is down so much over the years and blamed us for their own inadequacy was, many victims / survivors give themselves a hard time.

I remember going to talk to a priest once, at a time of need. This specific faith has a reputation for maybe instilling self-criticism in people and a sense of guilt, but the priest I went to see surprised me by telling me I should ‘always be on top of the world.’ For him to say that really helped me: even a serious looking priest was encouraging me to allow myself to feel peace, happiness and joy.

I have been working through my unhealthy habit of expecting too much of myself and taking on the guilt of others. Being with my abuser, this had become worse. Horrible things were happening, yet he never took responsibility. He began to brainwash me into thinking certain things were my fault. The muddied waters have gradually cleared: I can now see the reality. I was human, as was he: but he expected everyone to treat him as if he was perfect ( even if he did wrong) and, to him, no one was ever good enough.

We can only do our best. We can take each day, 24 hours at a time, and just try to do the right thing. Sometimes we might fail, but he important thing is to be open to learning and developing. So many people never grow because they never question themselves. It’s ironic that abusive people see themselves as the wronged ones, or as perfect. I think people who are pure of heart are open to self-reflection, and that’s good, but they are too often much too hard on themselves.

Show yourself loads of compassion. You’ve been through a great deal. You’re doing great x

[Grateful]

I also think it’s because we spent so long listening to the criticism that when it’s gone, we replace it ourselves out of habit.

[iwillbeok]

Thank you both for your replies. I remember reading something in the early days of freedom that if you’re wondering to yourself if you were the abusive one in the relationship, you more tjan likely aren’t! This I think ties in with what you wrote serenity about being too prone to putting too much blame on ourselves.

Grateful, I occassionally catch myself berating myself for some failing, and its his voice I can hear in my head!! No contact has been good to stop doing this – I’m getting to a poing sometimes where I can’t really remember what he looks like, sounded like or felt like. Though my body knows as the other day when I caught sight of his car – heart pounding, legs like jelly!

Hugs
Iwillbeok.

[Amaguq]

Hi Iwillbeok,

Huggggggssssss
I agree with the above posts and that quote made me cry, looking forward to the day I will believe it.

” Why do we find it so much easier to listen to the criticisms of others and our own inner critic than the positive? How is that useful? I dont get it.”

I don’t get it either, I always expect negativity, I think it is part of our mental guard, the wall, if someone doesn’t give you the worst then that is a positive, expecting the unexpected.
So sad that they have reduced us to this awful mind track.

You sound like a wonderful Mum and a very good friend, keep that beautiful head held high 🙂 xx

[Author]

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