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Hello,
I’m having a bad day. I am no longer in contact with my abusive ex, but at night I feel so low I will self harm. I feel worthless. The pandemic is not helping at all and I feel guilty for saying I’m struggling when people have lost family friends etc. I’m already undertaking counselling and I am on antidepressants. I am struggling to sleep at night as I reply everything about the day over and over in my head. I will think about my relationships with others and convince myself that they don’t like me or I annoy them. I just want to feel normal again. I cannot see any worth in myself. I look in the mirror and I still see a horrible person that he portrayed me as. Idk how to fix my self image. Have any of you gone through similar feelings? Like hating yourself so much and how can I work on getting back to normal
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Hi, yes I can relate.
Without the pandemic, this would have been a challenging time for you but with it, it has made it even more challenging. There have been restrictions on contact and getting out, usual face to face and group support has been suspended. Many people not recovering from your experiences are struggling and finding it challenging and so it is understandable to feel this way.I found this info on the Mind website which you might find useful.
https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/
It is great that you are trying out counselling and it might be worthwhile speaking with them about your reflections about your friends and replaying things.
If you are not already regularly reviewing your medication and progress with your GP, it may be worthwhile doing that too.It is a time though where you will reflect and reevaluate things, you may find that you will decide that not all friends will continue with you on your journey. You may decide that there are certain friends that you can share some things with and that you feel more comfortable with at certain times. In the end, I decided that I needed some distance between the experiences I had had and my friends. They were absolutely amazing when I was in crisis at the beginning but on-going, I realised that I needed professionals to be able to talk to about things. I can still talk to my friends anytime about anything but I prefer to spend time with my friends having fun and a distraction-at least I try to. I’ve no idea if any of that will mean anything to you at all as you could be reflecting on your friendships for different reasons. I do remember being extremely sensitive in the early days to what people said and did – that does ring true with me. We’ve been trained to constantly doubt ourselves and to I guess trust only in one person in a strange kind of way, as in what he thinks is what we think/or should do. Therefore, it is inevitable that it’s going to be really strange adapting when we leave and trusting out instincts, having faith in ourselves etc.
It is a shame that group support is not available at the moment. In the early days, once some of the shock had receded, I found accessing group support really helpful as it was good to meet other survivors, or other people also experiencing mental health issues. It was hard to go into these groups but I felt safe in them because most of them already knew some of the experiences/feelings without me having to explain everything. For now I guess there is forum, you can share all sorts here, how you are feeling, questions you have, ideas you have, whatever really- it is a safe space for you to share. There are other forums out there too- I noticed that Mind also has a forum- I haven’t checked it out but it may offer ideas from people around what helps them etc.
It may be worthwhile checking out the ‘booklist’ on here if you haven’t done any reading around domestic abuse and how it can affect you. There is also a ‘motivational…’ topic posted by Braelynn that can give you ideas of how to lift your mood, distract etc. It may be worthwhile writing a journal, getting it all out if you don’t already. You can then reflect on this and see if there are any patterns, or anything you notice. There is also the Sisterhood Sanctuary on here by Braelynn- that might be worth a look for you to feel part of something, to relax, unwind etc.
Keep talking to us, it can be hard if people don’t understand what you’ve experienced and when you yourself are trying to understand it all too. You will get to a place where you know who and where to look to for certain types of support and if your friends are true and worth the effort, you will laugh again with them and share good times- or else you will make new friends as you will learn what it is that you want and need from relationships and what you are willing and prepared to give.
Take care
Soulsearcher
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I turn to my faith when I’m feeling so low I can’t cope. Last night was one of them nights I just couldn’t cope with the intrusive thoughts and was praying hard. Although God might not be someone you believe in, there’s tons of resources on (detail removed by moderator) that you might get comfort from. On the homepage right now there is an article about living with suicidal thoughts. There’s a wealth of things on there, use the search box if there’s something specific you think would help. There’s music, that’s what I did last night. Listened to the music until I fell asleep. I got through the night, and I’m ready to fight another day. Things will get better sweetheart, I promise you. X*x
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