Self hate,self harming, abuse, don\’t want to live

[Spacedout]

Hi I’m new to this and talking to anybody about what I’m going through I just don’t know what to do or how to start.

I don’t know how to help myself I’ve never been in a abusive relationship before, I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly (removed by moderator) years now, it’s the usual story was really good for about a year but he’s always had anger issues would fly off the handle at tiny things that to anybody else wouldn’t matter, I thought this was odd but because I love him I just delta with the smashing of glasses or a punch hole in the door I just thought it was anger issues and he needed to see someone about it, but he’d always brush it off as ‘I’m just a guy who gets p****d off sometimes’.. Little did I know that this was all (removed by moderator) , it was fine at first but I moved in as I had some issues with family and now we don’t even speak at all due to all those family issues.

First time he hit me I was shocked really shocked, I just didn’t even know how to act plus this wasn’t just a shove or a push, we was arguing over something petty and he threatened to *punch my face in* I thought nothing of it but bending down to pick up my bag he come and kicked me in my chest really (removed by moderator)  hard that I fell back hit my head off the floor, then he looked at me like *that’s what you get* kind of look, then the apologies came the I love you I’d never hurt you again but all the while saying these things but somehow blaming me to like * you never shut up you do this and that*, writing this down now just makes me think why am I here, that’s not the worst of it, after that come the emotional abuse that has lead me to self harm, I hate myself, he calls me fat asks why I wear certain clothes apparently im a (removed by moderator)  sleeping with these guys I’ve never even heard of even though I don’t even leave the house!!!!! I put make up on sometimes and he asks why? Who am I trying to impress!! My mental state is so low I have no confidence no self esteem left, I look at myself and hate myself. I took time off work due to him bullying me, I couldn’t face anyone I still can’t as I’m still in this situation, I’ve had black eyes a busted lip a broken thumb but what really messes with me is the stuff he says, 1 minute he loves me the next I’m hated I’m the worst person on the earth. I have no friends anymore no family and nowhere else to stay and he plays off of it, tells me to get out of his house then tells me to say that I don’t want to go so I can stay, I look at him when he is like this and hate him he disgusts me, but then he switches and turns into this nice guy, I don’t know how to leave him, I’m a broken person and I have nothing and no one, I’m scared of him he comes near me and I flinch then he can say to me don’t flinch, how can you say that when I don’t know weather your giving me a (removed by moderator)  hug or a slap in the face

I don’t think I’m supposed to be living on this earth anymore, I don’t think I want to I hate everything

Iknow I need help but I don’t even know where to start I’m not even the person I was before

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Spacedout, i’m sorry you are having to put up with this bulls**t from this despicable monster. Some books really helped me to identity certain abusive behaviours, this forum has saved me from contacting and begging my ex to take me back, please do keep posting on the forum, let it all out and the women will give you such brilliant advice. The books are immediately available & free to read on Amazon, the first book goes into the tactic of nice, loving behaviour being thrown in occasionally with abusive behaviour happening at the same time, normally more than the nice. Its called Intermittent Reinforcement.

You will be able to deal with this, its tactical and takes time and normally involves heartbreak & mental healing. My ex was mentally abusive, i’m (removed by moderator) months out and with No Contact on either side though I still feel tied to him, a strong bond, i cannot get him out of my mind, yet I do not want to be with him. I think this is a symptom of being with an abuser, they are calculated. I feel that I am being controlled from a distance and my life is not my own. There is light at the end of the tunnel though and I am focussing on getting myself better again.

The books that I love are : 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships & all books by H G Tudor. Please take care. X*X

[Spacedout]

…. (removed by moderator) he pretended to attempt suicide because he broke the door threw it on me and I smashed my head on a radiator and I told him I needed space he flipped took a bunch of pills in the kitchen and pretended to take them so I wouldn’t leave he tells me he can’t live without me and would kill himself if I left but why would you want me here when all u do is beat me and accuse me, treat me like a slave and bully me, say all these nasty things to me then when I want space you’d kill yourself I’m so confused in life, I cut myself this morning just for a release it’s crazy How seeing blood trickle from your arm calms me down I want to stop cutting as I’m getting closer to cutting really deep butility I don’t know how to stop I don’t know how to live anymore

[Spacedout]

Hi, thank you so much for your kind words it means a lot I have no one whatsoever ever to talk to so I’m going to take your advice and start putting thing that’s I need out on here, I will hopefully 1 daye be away from him because he is so bad for me I hate being here it’s horrible there is no escape, I will try to have a look at these books as that is 1 thing I like doing is to read so thank you for sharing that with me you are amazing and strong for getting out I envy you

[Healthyarchive]

As you spend time on this forum sharing your life, the women will respond, you will find many women in the identical position as you and you will gain strength to deal with this bully. Please do have a look at the books as they give you different viewpoints. The mental attachment is so strong and nigh on impossible to break but can you put that aside and focus on going into a womens refuge? Another good website is http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/

[Standing tall]

Also. Make an appointment with your doctor and tell him how you’re feeling. He will be able to put you in touch with a councellor. Just talking about your problems really helps.
I used to have tattoos when I felt really bad. The pain was like releasing all of the pent up feelings. I got to the stage when I couldn’t cry anymore. Tattoos helped alot.
One day you will realise that you can’t take anymore. You will also realise that he doesn’t love or care for you. Then, and only then, will you have the strength to get away from him.
You are worth more than what you are living through and your life Will be better without him. You Can live on your own. It’s so much better than existing, which is what you are doing. If you don’t believe me try reading Life’s challenges by Dawn Garland. She also has a fb page. She is a poet and ‘survivor of abuse ‘. I hope you find the strength to leave soon.

[Ayanna]

Hi hun, I am so sorry you suffer like this. Big hugs!
You need to call the National Domestic Violence Helpline, this is a 24 hour helpline, whenever he is out of the house. You need to ring until you get through to someone: 0808 2000 247
Think whether you would like to go into a refuge. It is a safe place where he cannot find you.
If he attacks you again you need to call the police and report him.
You need to ring the NCDV: 0800 970 2070 and they will then help you to get a non molestation and occupational order against him.
As you can see, there is help available.
Get in touch with your local Women’s Aid and speak to them. They can arrange to meet with you and discuss everything through so that you can see through the jungle and make a safety plan and get an idea how you can escape.
Always be aware that you do not have to suffer like this. You are entitled to a life free from any form of abuse.
Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It is a three months course held by Women’s Aid. There you will learn how to recognize abuse. It will make you stronger.
Make sure that he does not notice that you look for help. Stay safe!
Keep posting! x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Spacedout,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m very sorry to read what you’re going through, you are explaining serious physical and psychological abuse and control. Many abusers threaten suicide, it is an extremely manipulative tactic to try to make you feel trapped in the relationship.

You say that you’re not the person you were before you met him, and that is completely because of him and his abusive behaviour. Your self-esteem and confidence problems are as a result of his abuse and it’s also very common to turn to self-harming as a coping mechanism. You deserve to live a much happier life than this, and although it can feel overwhelming to know where to start with making changes, it is possible, you do have options and there’s lots of support available. I’m pleased to see you’ve already received some great advice.

Unfortunately we know that the cycle of abuse always continues and usually gets worse, and it sounds like your partner has escalated the abuse. I encourage you to prioritise your safety; if you sense that a situation is escalating try to get out of the house or to a safe room and call 999.

As suggested please consider calling the helpline or contacting your local domestic abuse service. A support worker will not tell you what to do, but can talk through your options and help you do some safety planning.

Also, have a look at the following website; http://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/ and they have a women’s self-injury helpline too on 0808 800 8088.

Keep posting, we’re all here for you,

Lisa

[shine bright 2]

hi spacedout,
I’m not sure I can give as much good advise as some of the others here, but I been in the she aition. I left my husband cos he beat me enough to leave permanent scars and a disability that cannot be fixed. until recently I also cut to ease th pain I felt and I still struggle with that. He is now on bail and our lives are transformed. It was hard for me to split demo Jim because of kids and other things….but life is better….not easy but better. He won’t stop. I finally made the break because he was hitting me in front of the kids…nothing stops them. He punished me for leaving, but withe help of the police I’m starting to feel safe. I thought I loved too….but it’s not love it’s dependence…feeling u need them even when they do this kinda of stuff. Just like your fella he could be nice, but those brief moments are not worth it. Hope u get courage to tell someone. Always here to listen.

[Confused123]

hi sweetie

i didnt realize there were so many monsters out there,i thought just my ex ws like that, this is no life to live as u know, please call the help line they are so supportive n*d really understand how hard we find it to leave, they will put u in touch with correct agencies and get u the support u need. its easy for me to say dont take the physical abuse, i know how hard it is i took for (detail removed by moderator) years, they play so many mind games with our head and break our self esteem, ,what u said about your partner my ex used to do same, accuse me of sleeping around, call me s***,w****, get help and get out your life willbe so much better and u get so much support of here

[Author]

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