Self hatred

[Serenity]

Sorry if this post is a bit down.

I felt destroyed when he left- not really because he’d left ( though when he left he tried to be as destructive as he could), but because of the damage he’d done to me long-term.

I felt so empowered soon after. Because of his abuse, I was catapulted into all kinds of help. Pattern Changing course, Support Group; the DV outreach accompanied me to things, and I felt empowered speaking out and naming it what it was – abuse.

It took me (detail removed by moderator) to get through the divorce and to fight his lies. I managed to salvage my home, but it truly was a real struggle to fight for my and the kids’ rights. I had counselling all the way through, which helped.

When he left, I bought the kids a few important things that he would never ‘allow’ them. I was brimming with excitement about the opportunities the kids and I would have.

But I’ve reached a horrible plateau. I’m worried that my relationship with my kids will suffer, because the abuse has made me feel
so worthless that I have begun to hate myself. It’s been slowly creeping up on me for the last few months. I can’t enjoy time with my kids and be open and relaxed, because I’ve begun to imagine that they hate me underneath it all and I ask myself why they would want to spend time with anyone like me.

Part of it is probably because I’ve had to deal with the fall-out of years of abuse. My own PTSD, the kids’ emotional health. My kids have both shown signs of depression at times.

Maybe it’s exacerbated by the fact that the abuse is continuing- but it’s covert, so I don’t get much support as most people don’t see it. He has the stamina of a robotic terminator: I don’t think he will ever tire of trying to destroy me. It’s hell, because he often operates below the radar. I can’t give examples because they would be too identifying, but suffice to say he’s always trying to get a rise out of me. I imagine the lies he’s telling the kids and – because he’s so good at manipulating people- I can’t bear the thought of them believing his lies and being turned against me. Neither of them have. But kids don’t say everything they think or feel.

I didn’t deserve his abuse. He’s taking some inner rage out on me- I am just the focus. But I am exhausted thinking that I might have to fight his evil influence for decades to come.

The other day, I had a horrible thought that if I was diagnosed with something terminal, I wouldn’t care, because life just seems too hard and I have no good regard toward myself.

Sorry to sound depressing, but I really needed some support. How can you have a good relationship with your kids if you’ve begun to hate yourself? I find myself facilitating their activities away from me, because I imagine that they hate being with me.

[Serenity]

PS: My state may also have been exacerbated by unkind treatment by a family member a few months ago. This person was aggressive in their manner to a number of people, but it was still very triggering.

[Missssy]

Serenity – I’m sorry I don’t have much in the way of advice for you but I want to show you some support.

You are so strong, I’ve seen your posts on here empowering others and being a real rock to other ladies when they are down. You have done an amazing job to get yourself and your children to where you are today, you mother them to the best of your ability and you should be proud of yourself. Your children do not hate you – they know you are a brilliant mother and I’m sure you would see signs of strange behaviour from them if they were turning. They of course have been affected by all this poisonous behaviour and it will take all of you time to heal and get over it all. As much as you think that he has the power, I’m sure he is actually greatly intimidated by your strength and courage, hence why he is trying to be underhanded and covertly continue abusing you, trying to break you down again into his ideal version of you that he can control. He will not win, you have so much knowledge and you have honestly done so well (I really don’t mean to sound patronising.)
Please know you are not worthless. Even if you find it hard to see it for yourself, remember how important you are to your children. If they didn’t have you they would be stuck living with this toxic individual and wouldn’t really have any genuine quality of life, which YOU have given them by escaping.

Sorry to ramble on, I hope I made some sense. Lots of love x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Serenity,

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time, I’ve missed your wise posts on here and was wondering how your were doing.

It sounds like you are suffering from depression, with the semi-suicidal thoughts and self hatred. Are you getting any support at the moment, like counselling? Have you told your gp or a therapist about how you are feeling? I’m not surprised you feel this way, after what you have been through, it must have been and continues to be exhausting. It may well also be a side effect of the way he is still managing to be abusive towards you from a distance. Abusers love to make us feel bad about ourselves and hate ourselves, so I woudln’t be surprised if he is somehow using the children to subtly try to lower your self esteem and inflict self-hatred by telling them things that they then tell you. I totally understand what you mean about covert abuse, my ex was also very clever, subtle and covert with his abuse a lot of the time that if I try to explain it to people I can tell they think I’m overthinking it.

You are such a wise, strong and kind person, I’m sure your children love you very much and are proud to have you as their mother. It sounds like depressive thinking (and no doubt your ex) has convinced you otherwise.

What about fun things, like social life, hobbies, self care and pampering? I imagine that you work very hard to look after your children and don’t leave as much time to care for yourself, so maybe you could look at this as well as getting support for depression, as it might help you to regain some of your strength which has been worn down from years of dealing with your abusive ex.

I think you have a lot to be proud of – recognising and escaping abuse, going your own way, raising your children and supporting all of us on here. Please also remember to be kind to yourself (I know how hard it is) and don’t give yourself such a hard time. I really hope that you feel better soon.

Sunshine xx

[Ayanna]

Serenity, you still suffer from the effects of his abuse. And it does not help that you have this forced indirect contact with him via the kids.
What he did to you still works in your brain and it surfaces with each trigger.
That’s why abuse is so damaging long term.
Unless you work through it to the last detail it will always surface.
You need a long therapy for this.
But … do not let this discourage you.
When you feel like this you recognize it, which is great.
As a next step tell yourself that this is probably not the reality, but the way you think because you were abused.
When kids are involved the influence of the abuser unfortunately lasts for many more years, unless you manage to estrange them from him.
If I had kids I would estrange them from the abuser. Yes, this is how evil I would be and I would have no regrets.

[Serenity]

Thank you so much, all you beautiful souls.

It shows how important this forum is. There are always people here who 100% understand and empathise and who offer kind support.

I think I may return to counselling. I do feel a bit better today. Just letting it out and reaching out for help is healing.

I think we are bound to hit a trough once in a while.

It’s so important for us to help each other.

Thank you again. ❤️

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