Self referral forms for refuge space

[Thesoundofrain]

Hello

I need some help here – I’m thinking I’m making things up on the stuff I’m reading about how you get in a refuge and what you do to get in a refuge and my position is I’m not in imminent physical danger ( at the moment as I’ve no idea what he’s thinking or planning ) the 3 I’ve contacted one said no straight away as I’m out of area , another didn’t have a toilet in the room ( I’d read a lot do especially if you health issues ) it didn’t have to be an ensuite !! .. so they gave me another number who want me to self ref using a form that I don’t think I can fill in how they want – it’s like I’ve got to prove my abuse – what he did and when – all other agencies involved – have to also list the worse abuse abs the last abuse – plus a multitude of other questions- I was ‘told ‘ that you are not judged or quizzed – you are definitely being judged to get a place .. my abuse has been a slow burn a like a it’s like a psychological game to him can he break me – can he make my life so poor quality I’ll kill my self – the answer is yes he’s close – he’s a narc… I was only made aware of that title through me having secret therapy to stop me tipping into a void mentally – he controls everything, I am a nobody , he has no interest in my well being and speaks to me quietly and menacingly when my daughters aren’t in ear shot – I don’t work – I have some health issues and this has been going on for years … I was advised and directed to refuge by a solicitor after listening to my story – I cannot see how if I fill that form in I’ll come across in need – anyone else filled in these forms when the abuse has been psychological financial? Think I’m caught between a rock and hard place .

[Lisa]

Hi Thesoundofrain,

Thank you for posting. Do you have support from your local domestic abuse support service? They can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support so may be able to help with the form filling. You can find your local support service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Thesoundofrain

I am sorry to hear how long and how horrible your experiences have been.

What you have written in your post is all anyone would need to hear about the very real abuse and awful impact its having on you, and tbh, I couldn’t have filled in a form, especially not abuot the abuse, I woul dhave found it impossible, mad as that might sound.

I hope your worker will be able to complete it or support you to. You have done so well to get to some secret therapy for yourself, and to come here and post. I hope you can keep posting and speaking about whats been happening to you. Sending strength for you.

Warmest wishes

ts

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Twisted Sister

Thanks for replying – I felt a blow when I read the form – it felt like a check box of let’s see if she deserves it a d I’ll be honest compared to others stories I feel a fraud – it’s like if I can’t prove it how can I get help – (detail removed by moderator)- so it’s not first come first helped – they are looking at who in their experience is worse off – that’s how it reads – not sure if all refuges are the same – I feel like I’ll have to put an axe through his head to stop this – and believe me I’d be happy if he died – the weight that would be lifted would feel like I’d grown wings – I feel so oppressed depressed – I’m trying to keep going for my youngest daughter who is at an important time in her life but is completely oblivious to my decline … my life is s**t – I live in my bedroom- I see no future at all right now – I’m tired of thinking I’ll get the answers I need – I don’t they’re all the same – I just don’t know what I have to do … I don’t have a worker who helps me – when I spoke to one put me off – firing loads of questions- does he do this does he do that do you have tools he can use to cause harm on and on – I was like stop !!!!! – I want a conversation not an interrogation- ticking boxes – I can’t stand it – he is like that he’d fire questions and try and trip me up get my words mixed up and make out I was lying or simple … just – feeling that feeling – we all get .. ‘what’s the point ‘… wish we could some how meet up locally – I sound like a nut bag on here – I’m not- I’m just hurting all the time

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Thesoundofrain

you certainly don’t sound like a ‘nutbag’ to me. Not in any way. Far from it, you sound ground down, very ground down, exhausted, losing will. There is only so much anyone can take, whether thats physical or mental load, but to have physical or mental blows continually raining down on you becomes intolerable, unbearable, and it depends how far along that spectrum you are as to how desperate your need for help.

I also wouldn’t have dealt well with that bombardment of questions, because, yes, it is exactly like the inquisitions of abusers, and it makes your brain shut down after you’ve suffered enough of it. I am super surprised you were spoken at like that.

I know others on here have asked for an alternative worker if the first one hasn’t worked out for them, is this something you could do? Its so important to feel supported, it can give such strength to know someone is walking alongside you in this battle. You need that, we all do. Its area dependent isn’t it, how good the domestic abuse service providers are, and how good the police domestic abuse team are. Have you liaised with your GP about this? Would that be a place to go? Is there a freedom programme runs near you that you cuold access as the women there would have lots of options locally and be able to refer you, or give support themselves?

Do keep talking on here and working through this. Everyone is working hard to find their way through these situations and having somewhere to express these challenges is vital to thinking through steps to putting an end to the abuse.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lisa]

Hi Thesoundofrain,

I can understand why you’re finding this process difficult, I know that navigating through the different systems has it’s real challenges. To clarify a little for you and others reading, all refuges do operate independently and will have their own procedure for refuge referrals. Whilst I acknowledge that answering lots of questions is potentially stressful and triggering, it is a necessary step when finding a suitable refuge space. A refuge needs to know the individual needs of a woman so that the correct space can be allocated. But of course this ideally should be carried out sensitively and at your pace. With regards to availability, unfortunately I cannot deny there is a problem with not enough spaces in some areas, which is something Women’s Aid are constantly campaigning to improve. However, refuge spaces change daily, so with the right support it is definitely possible to find a suitable setting.

If you haven’t already you could talk to a Women’s Aid support worker about refuge via our Live Chat service. We always aim to follow a women’s lead, we know how important it is that you feel in control of what’s happening, so you could just ask for some support through the referral process. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Please also remember the information I have sent to you directly.

Take care of yourself, doing all this is exhausting on top of everything else, so sometimes it’s helpful to take a break, have some days without any tasks, and come back to it when you feel more up to it.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Lisa

I’ve tried live chat a few times never got through – I realise it can take time but it makes me anxious- I have emailed women’s aid a couple of times and well it feels like they are not answering ( not able ) what I need answering – when you’ve been gas lit repeatedly you become aware of certain things – and I feel like the emails are t hitting Mark – the other website you mentioned – I haven’t contacted them yet I feel they are the last gasp at placing me somewhere – I really need some element of control here I need some input – so that’s why I’m trying more local – when I say local I mean my part of the country … I will get there – I need to – just need the right person at the right moment to listen … even though I’m really really screwed up I have the nature of never wanting to mess anyone around , never wanting to jump a queue – that’s probably part of the reason he’s treated me like dog s***e for so long – I’ll keep going – I want to succeed – I want to help others eventually…

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