Self sabotage

[iwillbeok]

So I’m free, I’m safe and my time and life is mine to organise. Why, oh why then, can’t I seem to get out of my own way?!

I have a meeting today, have had all weekend to prepare, when did I decide to look at it? This morning! So now it’ll be a mad rush when I get to work.

Everything I do is last possible moment – bills, meetings, washing and drying uniforms etc the list goes on.

Is chronic procrastination an effect of years of abuse? Or is this just me making excuses? I think maybe its a result of the perfectionism – both my own (I often felt growing up that if I couldn’t do it perfectly, why bother) and then never being able to live up to his standards (mostly because I was expected to do everything and also because the goal posts kept moving)

I keep saying I’ll get organised – but have been saying that most of my life!! I did however used to be organised. I also find critical thinking and memory very difficult – I did my degree but now feel I am just working and no longer developing. I love my job, I love my field. I just feel so left behind and there are younger, hungrier candidates snapping at my heels.

I want to live a fulfilled life but I just can’t seem to stop the “I’ll do it later” talk. So much wasted time, time with him was wasted and now I’m wasting time not getting on with things.

Any ideas lovely ladies?

I try not to beat myself up, but when is this grief and trauma and when does this, for me, become self indulgence?

Iwillbeok x

[KIP.]

A quote on here was that you can recover from a break up in a matter of months but the effects of abuse last a lifetime. I like lists. I often write down what needs done. I need to limit myself because when I get over stretched then the anxieties return. Try breaking down the things you have to do to three per day. That’s how I managed in the beginning. And most importantly, be very kind to yourself, be sympathetic. Think what advice you would give someone in your position. Take time to stop and smell the 🌺 🌺 flowers. You have come a long way and achieved much more that you know. The abuse kept us on edge and always working hard to prevent the next abusive episode. You don’t need to think that way anymore x

[iwillbeok]

Thank you KIP, ever the voice of calm and reason. I did read your reply earlier and it helped a lot.

Growing up, I always wanted to run before I could walk. I just want to be done with it all. Ive healed so much I get frustrated when I slip back into old ways of thinking.

I also get angry thinking “Where would I be? Who would I be if not for his decades of subtle manipulations, undermining my self confidence etc? If my brain can’t work on higher level stuff due to trauma (video I watched about emotiinal literacy which made a lot of sense) – how much more could I have achieved given I’m doing okay in a pretty demanding job!

Thanks for being there when I needed a wise and friendly voice. Between you and Sia (Flames) – I put one foot in front of the other, and made it through the day.

Iwillbeok x

[ballet]

I’ve always struggled to organise myself (I have cognitive disabilities affecting short-term memory) but after the abuse it became much worse.

The things that have helped me are radical self-acceptance, gentle thinking towards myself, and the ‘just one thing’ principle. If I am frozen and unable to get started on anything, I will say to myself, “Make yourself a nice cup of tea and drink it as you dry the dishes. That’s enough for today.” There might only be three things to dry, but once that’s done I congratulate myself on doing something. More often than not, once I’ve done one thing (however small!), I have come ‘unstuck’ and can then tackle other things.

I’m always careful to turn any self-criticism into praise and reassurance when I catch myself thinking harshly about how much time has passed and how few things have been done. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t power through a to-do list, and learning compassion for yourself is just as important as all those things you feel bad about not doing earlier.

[iwillbeok]

Thanks ballet,

Your comment about becoming ‘unstuck’ strikes a cord with me. I’ve noticed I tend to put something (usually stressful) off as long as I possibly can, have a big panic as crunch time approaches, get it done by the skin of my teeth and then I’m okay pottering along til the next big thing.

One of the tasks I really struggle with is finances. I can hardly bare to check my balance. This is because most of our big rows (along with enough “see? Its not so bad talking about finances” and enough back-handed compliments at how organised I used to be) were over finances. He would rattle numbers and sums and totals so fast I didnt know which way was up by the end. All I could do was focus on the final number at rhe end – that’s what should be in the bank at the end of the month. Of course, it never was and so would ensue the next row, me justifying the total and him begrudgingly accepting it.

I tried Googling financial counselling but that doesn’t seem to be a ‘thing’ in UK. Can go to various places for help with budgetting and credit etc. I know what to do, I have a major aversion to doing it. This ends up costing me in late fees and my credit score is probably shot.

I wondered even if hypnotherapy might be a way tp go?

Iwillbeok x

[Nomorenonsense]

There’s a personal finances course my church runs which is national https://capuk.org/i-want-help/courses/cap-money-course/introduction
May be a fab idea for you, social, approachable and helpful too x

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