Selfcare or selfish?

[Hesnotthesunyouare]

I’m in a relationship with a new partner, after managing to leave my abusive ex. We’ve been together (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m still struggling with my past trauma.
We don’t live together and recently I went out with some friends but didn’t send him a picture of what I looked like before I went (this is something I would usually do to show off my outfit and makes him feel closer to me). However (detail removed by Moderator) previous I had sent a picture and then was really triggered by his response on how I was more dressed up then I said I was going to be and how everyone that I was with that evening must be really enjoying the way I looked. In my past abusive relationship the way I looked was a big thing, I had to be perceived as the trophy wife and anything under standard was not acceptable so this was a big trigger for me.
I decided on that night to not send a picture to my new partner as I wanted to protect the way i felt. I didn’t want to ruin my night by feeling triggered. Now my new partner is saying that I’ve really hurt him by purposely not doing something that really means something to him. I’ve tried to explain that I was trying to put myself and my feelings first but this is coming across as an excuse and that I don’t care about his feelings and about putting him first. And the fact I didn’t discuss that I was triggered makes him feel like I’m keeping things from him.

Is that right, have I done the wrong thing? Should I have put his needs over my triggers? Will I constantly be letting my triggers affect my future life? How do I decide when to put my needs first and when that’s unacceptable?

[Anonymous]

Hesnothesunyouare I don’t like the sound of it all, it’s just based on a weird feeling i get , I think you need to maybe Heal more, I’m in no way telling you what to do ,no one has that right( unless it’s work and even there’s ways of asking politely) but I just think you need to heal more and be around people that you know care about you very much 💗💗💗

[Anonymous]

If something makes you uncomfortable you don’t have to do it , these are your rights , I know you would tell us the same thing if we askEd, we’re always gonna have triggers and time goes by they get easier to deal with, but if someone tries to make you feel guilty for not doing something you don’t want to do it will be emotion blackmail, you could tell him the reason why you don’t want to any more, and if it’s anything other than understanding without coercion or guilt trips you’ll know your with a keeper take care , and self care needs to be a normal part of our lives now cos it’s long overdue💜💛💜

[Watersprite]

Hello – I just think trust your gut and the reason you are posting is that it is whispering or maybe even shouting to you. Re triggers I find this difficult – sometimes they are wisdom and that little wise voice other times they are fragments of the damage from the past and so unreliable. I didn’t trust my gut with my ex I override my instinct and sadly me and my kids will pay for that forever. Believe in you – we are vulnerable to repeat abuse sadly and if your gut is telling you something – believe in you once more x

[Anonymous]

I’m totally with watersprite on this Take note of how your feeling your body knows, it’s never wrong it’s just other factors make us override our unusual feelings

[VaaVaaVoom]

I would say step away from this new partner. x

[ISOPeace]

Hi there,

Your post made me think a lot about boundaries in relationships and respect so this is a long one I’m afraid.

Obviously I don’t know how he said the thing about everyone else enjoying how you look, but it does sound possessive. It would be a red flag to me.

It’s ALWAYS ok to protect your own wellbeing. It is not selfish, it’s self respect. There will be times where that appears to be at the expense of another but that is life. You don’t ever have to sacrifice your wellbeing for someone else and anyone who expects you to do that is not respecting you as a separate person. I know this is a confusing area for those of us who have been manipulated into thinking our abuser’s needs were more important than ours and so it can feel wrong. Also in a healthy relationship there will be times when you compromise, but I don’t think you should compromise in an area that affects your mental/emotional wellbeing in a healthy relationship.

Imagine the photo issue was about something that isn’t a trigger for you e.g. taking a photo of your food, or your drink, or say you always make him coffee in the morning. How would it seem to you if you didn’t feel like doing it one time. Would it be ok for your partner to make you feel bad for not doing it? Or put it another way, is it ok to expect you to always do it, without fail, however your feel? At the very least, it would be weird if he insisted on it. But in your case it is something that bothers you. In a healthy relationship, both people’s feelings should be important to both people. Of course there will be times when in the moment people struggle to take into account the other’s feelings, but if they still feel that way when they’ve had a chance to calm down, it is a red flag. You are a separate person with the right to choose what you do. Anyone who tries to guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do is trying to manipulate you. I’m not saying it’s definitely abuse, but it is a red flag.

It’s ok to choose how much you want to tell him about yourself. You don’t have to tell him anything you feel uncomfortable about. In fact, Women’s Aid even advise you don’t share an abusive past until you’re absolutely sure your new partner is not abusive and won’t use it against you. As I said before, it’s ALWAYS ok to protect your own wellbeing. If he can’t respect that you’re not ready to share things about yourself yet, he is not respecting your rights as a separate person. If it is really an issue for him then he either doesn’t have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship or he has unhealthy ideas about personal boundaries. There’s a big difference between ‘keeping something from him’ that relates to your current relationship e.g. cheating on him and ‘keeping something from him’ that relates to your past. Needing to know everything about your past is a red flag in that it doesn’t respect your boundaries and is a kind of possessiveness.

Another red flag to me is saying you ‘purposely didn’t do it’ and you don’t care about his feelings. Was he saying that’s how it felt to him, or stating as if it’s a fact that you purposely didn’t do it and don’t care about his feelings? It’s healthy to tell your partner how their actions made you feel as part of honest communication. But that’s not the same as telling somebody they did something as if it’s a fact, when it is actually his interpretation of events. Telling you his interpretation as though it’s fact is invalidating your feelings and experience and is showing no empathy for you. It’s him putting himself first and expecting you to do the same. It isn’t necessarily abusive. It could be that he is insensitive rather than abusive. But an insensitive partner is not a great match for anybody with a traumatic past.

Ultimately it’s for you to decide when you put your needs first and when you compromise. That probably sounds difficult to work out, but what I’m saying is that there is no right or wrong answer. It is your right as a human being to choose your boundaries. You don’t need anyone else’s permission or approval to do that. Different people have different boundaries and that’s ok. In my opinion, anything that relates to your triggers is definitely a boundary to protect for your wellbeing and is not an area to compromise on. As your trauma heals, you may find it’s not so much of an issue any more, but right now it sounds like it is affecting your wellbeing. The right partner for you will respect your boundaries. Having lived with abuse, I know that this will sound like a very foreign idea. We’re so used to trying to ‘get it right’ in someone else’s eyes that it can seem unthinkable that we could make that sort of decision and it be ok. You may be worried that your boundaries will be unreasonable for anyone to accept, but from you asking for advice and how you are asking it, I think it’s highly unlikely that they will be. I would recommend reading Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch. It includes an exercise to come up with your boundaries so that when something like this happens, you already have an idea of what you will do.

While the thought of protecting your boundaries can be very scary, in my experience, it actually makes you feel a lot stronger and can deepen relationships with others. Protecting your boundaries requires you to be honest and authentic rather than trying to be the person you think the other person wants you to be. It shows others that you respect yourself, which will either promote more respect from other people or highlight the ones who are not ok with you respecting yourself. Above all, you deserve the respect of yourself and others and you deserve to be happy. Sending love xxxx

[givemepeace]

I think it sounds like an egosentric possesive guy with no respect for you. Behave!! (that was to him).

Second I just want to share something I read about in a book in order to achieve courage, and it is so true:

You do not live to satisfy the expectations of other people!!!

Good luck!!

(perhaps this is a good practice to say to him that you are just not interested in that kind of behaviour anymore)

[ISOPeace]

I read somewhere (can’t remember where, which is annoying) that spending your life trying to meet other people’s expectations actually backfires because:

1) You can’t possibly second guess what their expectations are all the time, so you’re bound to fail at some point. With an abuser, you will be punished for failing and their expectations will keep changing anyway.

2) You’re actually hiding who you really are, which gets in the way of building close relationships (with non-abusive people) – you can’t have a close relationship with who somebody is pretending to be someone else. With an abuser, who you really are is irrelevant, because they only care about who they want you to be. xxxx

[Author]

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