Sense check

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hi all

Another question from me, trying to reach clarity from different perspectives.

I’m having a super tough time trying to reconcile issues in my relationship and my own shortcomings.

I highly suspect abuse by my husband and I’m trying to work out if there’s any justification in his behaviour in light of his frustrations of me. He’s asked me for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years to return to work to contribute financially but I still very much identify as a SAHM even though the kids are in school. I have had a load of doubt when it comes to returning to work and had admittedly not been proactive. However I now have an action plan once I’m not with the kids full time for the holidays.
My husband feels vindicated by his recent threats of separation and destroying me emotionally because it put the fire up me and led me to coming up with this action plan

Partly as a result of the feelings I had coming away from that conversation (and a suspicion that there had been sexual coercion in the marriage) I took sex off the table while I worked though things on an emotional level.

This is a boundary that hasn’t been respected and things have escalated (where he now thinks I don’t desire him and am calling him a r*pist). Now divorce is on the table because not only am I not (yet) contributing financially, I’m also denying him sexual satisfaction and have hurt and betrayed him.

So my question is: is there any way that his behaviour is justified? I’m not asking for people to side with him or me and I’m trying to give as factual representation as I can and genuinely want to find clarity in whether his ongoing frustrations with me are a reason to respond to me in the ways that he has, given it has moved me forward, and because I’ve been unfair putting all the financial pressure on him.

I intend to speak to a professional but I’m trying to gather as much insight as I can in the meantime.

Thanks so much.

[minimeerkat]

i suppose you have to ask yourself an honest question – was it ok until your husband decided he wanted you to do this or that.  was the relationship ok if everything was going your husbands way & are there now problems because you are not doing things your husband wants you to do.  is the relationship all on his terms

is there any middle ground, compromise, support, understanding & genuine concern re anything he wants you to actually do

the bedroom thing hasnt been done as punishment at all – but it certainly looks as if he is now punishing you for implementing this boundary (the accusations & victim mode)

when you hold a mirror up to someone they dont always like what they see x

 

 

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hmm. Good point. He has said himself that he wouldn’t ask anything of me if I met his sexual needs.

[Indeepindance]

Firstly I noticed ‘threats of separation’ which to me says rather than making a firm, constructive decision that the relationship isn’t right for him anymore, and leaving, instead he issued an ultimatum as a way to control the outcome.

Secondly, he is accusing you of withholding sex when you have clearly communicated a boundary for your own body, however it seems he is the one weaponising it by threatening divorce.  Yes he can feel as upset or rejected as he likes about it but if he can’t reflect or speak to you to find out why it’s come to this, and instead manipulate you through fear, then he is exceptionally self-absorbed and controlling.

And he was doing just that before you took sex off the table, asking you for things that you didn’t feel ready for! What planet is he on? Of course he will still ask you for other stuff, they always do, it’s never enough. They’re constantly looking for the problem within you and the scratch will never be itched.

Xxxxx

[minimeerkat]

you know i held back a lot but you really went for it & have written such a honest & helpful response – i can only hope with all my heart that what youve written especially towards the end also helps you to see a truth regarding your own abusive relationship x

[Indeepindance]

You’ve picked up on something I’ve been late to notice, that I am starting to recognise things weren’t acceptable in my own relationship, whether it was toxic, abusive or just not working for me.

It is coming, slowly. Reading these posts has helped, its so clear to see when hearing someone else’s situation, it’s turning the advice back round to yourself that takes time doesn’t it.

You’ve helped massively with that!

Xxxxx

 

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