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I wondered if others find as a result of abuse there are long term effects re sensitivity from other people?
I have come home upset and humiliated after enjoying a short singing lesson which helps me to forget my life for a while.Then I popped into my local for light lunch and coffee having been a regular for years.It is background company as I live alone and no longer work.A new waitress half my age spoke to me with disrespect saying” I told you already to go through” meaning the food.Taken aback, I just replied -ok.
Then when the bill had to be paid I informed her co worker what I had eaten.The rude waitress overheard gave me a dirty look and said -“Didnt you have a large one?”While I corrected her trying to be assertive two regular males enjoyed the spectacle and laughed at my humiliation and the suggestion of my alleged dishonesty.Two digs from the waitress so far then one of the sniggering men asked me where the boyfriend is etc etc to complete the group effort to bring me down.Despite my efforts to defend myself I feel like a hunted animal by other people who dont know me or my horrible life.It feels as if I bring out the bully in others and this is both degrading and upsetting as a survivor.It is hard to understand when you are caring and kind-hearted.When these little attacks take place it feels like abuse without end .I feel ashamed to be treated like that. -
Hi Jupiter.
Past history of abuse or not that whole episode sounds unpleasant and it sounds as if the waitress was rude. They may be stressed with Christmas crouds and tipsy males but that’s no excuse.
You say youre a regular? Do you know the “boss” well enough to say how it made you feel?
It may have been said in jest by any of them but that’s not the point. You didn’t join in so that’s time to back down.
Try not to dwell on it but I bet you will x*x -
Hi White Rose
Thank you for your reply.
I am a regular who goes in for coffee and snacks–I dont drink at all.The boss is not there as he works away most of the time.The two males are known to me as casual acquaintances as they go there too but I dont socialise with them.They were not drunk and the waitress was perfectly warm and friendly towards other customers especially the males.Im very perceptive and the vibes were a bit of sport and me as the prey.Not a nice position to be in and difficult because the men taking the P… are friendly with her.Next time if there is one I shall sit further away to get some peace.That episode is not the first time but it will fade in time. -
I think we are over sensitive because our confidence and self esteem have been eroded. Before my abuse in a situation like that I would have left no tip and not given it a second thought. I know how this can hurt but next time, go back there with your head held high and ask for another waitress. The world is full of rude insensitive people and I often think how c****y and awful their life must be if they project themselves like that. Not happy people at all. X
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Thank you for your advice as fellow survivors.Yes it is not easy when people are insensitive while we are in a hypervigilant state like a 24/7 human radar scanning for signs of abuse.I realise I am still low in confidence despite the work I have done on my life.Im sure many women can relate to this.Also I suppose these reactions are some of the scars left from the past.At times I feel at risk going out of my door and like the power of turning the key to lock when I return-my space! I agree that many people use projection like n*********s to push their way through their shallow lives.Well at the end of the day there is a nice duvet and a good book.
Jupiter x -
Hi Jupiter,
I think we do find it harder to shake off things like that when we are feeling so down, and I agree with the above, they people might be getting more short -tempered as the Christmas season is here, but use this as an experiment: to respond to such people with assertiveness!
I had a similar experience the other day. I had to take a relative’s children to a show. It was mayhem. I couldn’t get past, because there was a group of Brownies milling about, and the ticket lady snapped at me that I was holding the queue up.
The old me would have shuffled away hurt. The new me looked straight at her and said ‘No, I’m not holding the queue up. I can’t get past.’ I looked her right in the eye. She looked quite taken aback, and proceeded to be very polite!
When I was going my work training, it emphasised how rather than rely on words, an assertive look right in the offending person’s eyes is enough to warn them or make them think twice about carrying on!
I’m practising my firm look nowadays!
The future Jupiter can be assertive and protect her rights! It’s all in the eyes! 😉
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Hi Jupiter, I experienced this recently too. It’s disappointing when we’re making such progress but there are going to be times we get caught out. I was seeking health advice so was feeling a bit vulnerable and didn’t really explain myself very clearly. When the practitioner was impatient and misunderstood me I found it upset and triggered me. I felt dismissed and belittled, so no wonder I felt triggered, but that was her problem not mine. I was the patient, I’m entitled to be however I am and it was her job to be kind and patient. Sometimes I find I slip back into passivity when there’s any power imbalance. It’s a habit I’m working on resolving. We need to extremely kind and patient with ourselves while we do this xx
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Thank you to you all for your excellent advice–I only found it now not realising the wise words were here!!
Agree it is hard when triggered and often we dont tell ourselves that we are as we are too busy trying to survive the bad moment. Also it is so common for survivors to feel as if we are transparent-as if the world can look at us and see our abuse history.I am so happy to have found this wonderful forum.It is like having a family who wont reject us.
Jupiter x x -
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Hi Cuppa
Well done for dealing with the guy on the bus! In sure he wont try this one again after the “look”.
Im sure you are feeling better after regaining your power which we often lose as survivors.Yes will give this a go in future.
I realise myself how often bullies etc can trigger old feelings of low self esteem and it is not a nice place to be in especially when adults treat other adults this way.
It is mind boggling to receive unreasonable behaviour from others when you think you are a caring person leading a decent life.However some people see this as a green light to see how far they can go.I find this so hard to understand.
Recently I was leaving a cafe and I heard one guy say to his pal: “I wonder if he’s ….ing her yet” !!? The guy was the chef for the place.Makes you wonder about other peoples mentality! Felt I couldnt reply as the chat was not my business and was overheard.Perhaps the “look” could have been applied there and next time it will be on its virgin trial run!
Jupiter x x -
Hey ladies…(detail removed by moderator),it’s a tough one, and I’m doing all I can to distract myself, and keep busy, I know it will soon be over, this morning was worst…not that I care about him, I just remember past times, bad & good.
But at the end of the day, I was always in a state by the end of the day, full of fear, trying hard to please incase anyone or anything upset him
Eating food of his choice, watching what he wanted, buying or not buying shopping, with his approval, you know what I mean…being micro managed.Not any morethough, yes I am sensitive after being in a abusive relationship and it sucks that it had to happen at all…like not one of us wanted that messed up life.
But next year is another chapter, and I will make it my business to get as much amazing new experiences into my life, I have lots of catching up to do!
..instead of making all that effort for him, I’ll do it for me and my friends & family… the ones I like & love! The ones who treat me with the respect I deserve, I’m not anyone’s dumping ground anymore, other people will have to work on their own problems, I’m not trying to ‘fix’ everyone’s mess out any more! Boundaries and self love must happen if we are to heal ladies! 😉
Group Hugs!!
Cx
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I am trying to get back my xmas spirit as I feel my ex hurts me from a distance through the grand kids and I feel really angry now and hurt after a lifetime of abuse.
He is so crafty. When my sons baby was born it was agreed my title would be nana .ex has second wife who has no kids and I was always worked up about ex manipulating situation to torment me.Was told she would be her own name to my grandchild. Recently I was shocked that new wife calls herself nana too and I know this is exs plan to torment me.I have to share this with an unrelated woman. He is nasty and clever because the torment is lifelong.my grandchild has just spoken on phone talking of “nana” and now I feel Im crying inside.It is more intense as I have lost my family all my life and what little I have ex takes away.He knows what he is doing.This is longterm and no man exists to steal his roles in the family.He is not a survivor.He is a lifelong abuser.
Jupiter -
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I have teenage daughters and sometimes their teenage attitudes trigger me. They tease me for being uncool mum and sometimes are rather dismissive.
Mostly they are hugely supportive and given that they have also suffered abuse from their Dad I think that they are going pretty well.
Thus is something I am working on. Will get there I am sure but when something triggers me, I feel as small and useless and unloved as I ever have.
I think we are all vulnerable until we find a way to increase our self esteem and clean our minds of all those hateful words.
I know what you keen about feeling transparent.
One day at a time is all I tell myself. -
Hi and a more peaceful new year to all survivors–important word!!
Thanks Cuppa re the nasty digs I get in my local when I go in for coffee or lunch.Yes being assertive is difficult for abused people and although I try to fight back these people are in a clique and seem to sense I am fragile.Its a horrible feeling.I live alone so need to leave the home for a while.It is a form of company even if no conversation.However I have had more cheeky or nasty comments -all uncalled for.I did put a complaint as cuppa suggested onto Tripadvisor but I cant see it! The owners of the place are friendly with the staff so that a complaint would probably be dismissed.
I am always polite and pleasant wherever I have lived but these people seem to target me!A therapist told me once that bullies’ actions or words are often not at a conscious level-I find that hard to believe and it sounds as if they are not responsible for the bad behaviour!Abusive situations by family members or virtual strangers are still painful and damaging.I have to find a way out of this even if it means silence or “the look” which needs some practice.2017 is excellent place to start.
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Hi Really Free,
I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable, unloved and knocked in our self-esteem. Potentially too, there are all kinds of triggers.
I realised a few months ago that my ex had succeeded in dismantling a large part of my identity so cleverly and gradually over the years ( so I did not always recognise it abuse or blamed myself) and that recovering my self-esteem would involve returning to those things that made me feel animated and alive before I met him.
It’s no accident that these abusers ridicule and put down our interests, values and talents. They don’t want us to be strong and independent. Us having an independent streak frightens them: they don’t know what we will
do with it, or where we will take it.But these abusers should never have been so controlling and lacking in boundaries to have tried to wreck our identities and monopolise us. So recovering ourselves I think involves trying to remember who we were before we met our abusers and being that authentic self- celebrating who we are- and not worrying about what others think, or whether we ‘fit in.’ For much of my life I worried too much about pleasing others. I think all of us as survivors deserve to spend the rest of our lives exulting in our individuality and being true to ourselves, and never letting anyone lead us away from our gut or steer us off course! X
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Jupiter,
I hope 2017 will be the year when all
of us begin to truly believe in our innermost strength and power- like the good witch told Dorothy in the Wiz of Oz, she had power all along: she just had to believe!Our abusers made us doubt our own strength and power. But they lied to us. They were the weak and cowardly ones- not us. They tried to make us believe we were powerless because they were scared by our potential and our goodness!
I watched a very interesting clip on You tube where someone famous was interviewed and she said something very wise. She said that some people were against her because they feared the fact she was strong. They feared what she would do with that strength, how she would use it and where it would take her- so they tried to disable her and limit her, and eventually turned against her when they realised that she refused not to let them stop her from being her authentic self. They were scared by how real she was.
I hope they 2017 is the year that we will all realise that it was our strength that scared our abusers, and that we still possess that strength: strength of character, of conscience, strength of values and stamina.
All the things our selfish, cowardly, shallow and immature abusers lacked.
Yes, practice ‘the look!’ It really works! An assertive look is far more powerful than any words! Here’s to a year of powerful looks!
X
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Hi Serenity-blown away by your wise insights.What a great prescription !!
You are so ritht about abusers and their mentality and their relentless quest( sick one though) to control us like mindless puppets.Did you ever see the film Stepford Wives? That is a male fantasy for sure where the women exist only as slaves to the males behaving in an anti feminist culture.You have described abusers exactly in a nutshell.Yes we have spent enough time as people-pleasers and staying unchanged is like them living rent-free in our heads.it could almost pass as a form of psychological slavery so intense is the control. I agree that they fear female strength because it is a reality.I believe male abuse is really collective envy but minus the intelligence or soul.Abuse has no soul but we are strong because endurance gives us this and increases our power.
Jupiter x x -
Ladies! Excellent insights & well said!
definitely the abusers are threatened …even though it seems not at the time,they are weak and ineffectual, hiding behind us …the real strength.
It seemed to me he was trying to re invent himself through me.
That sounds odd, but his lack of social graces, awareness, empathy, sympathy, respect and being a adult partner was non existent.
No suport emotionally financially or physically ( in a normal relationship way)
All this manifested itself in lack of control, on every level, all his worst personality traits,became dominant, out of control, & rendered him incapable of being a man, a partner a reasonable mature thinking adult. Instead he chose to be abusive, and deny it/The mirroring was tangible he had no sense of ‘self’.
No wonder we are sensitive! its very easy to see now, that, more than most, people are just not bothered about each other.
I hear it constantly, they talk about themselves, more than looking at others, who may need support.
I think its a case of rather them than me, maybe too painful ( and easier to dissasociate) to take a long hard look at themselves, and ask am I really a good friend, or family member? What do I actually do to call myself a decent person?…they brush serious issues aside, and focus mainly on trivia.
Is it easier to talk about a soap opera, fantasy life, than your friend who is suffering?(I noticed constantly he didnt lift a finger for anybody, practically &/or emotionally, yet he always went about about his family, it was fake in many ways…thats what brought up these thoughts..)
Trivia is fine sometimes, just not constantly living in a alternative ‘world’ its just not fine.
I think if we are to support each other we have to face these issues, and listen properly, sometimes read between the lines..I tried so many times to voice what was going on, in diferrent ways, just to be ignored!
Now most of my friends are like.. what?? like I have never mentioned anything along the way, I did , its just they weren’t listening. probably think, what can I do about it anyway…the ‘domestic’ is perpetuated as no ones business…it remains defintiely a taboo, to the detriment of women & children around the world, like us.
People, not all obviously, most, are generally insensitive to others.lots to observe and take in, & noticing more and more!
c x -
Agree about the world out there wanting to turn a blind aye re domestic abuse.In the past the police trivialised it calling incidents a ‘domestic’ with the general view of dismissal leaving the victims without any intervention.Appalling. Even some non abused women lack understanding.When I mentioned my abusive ex they would tell me I was stupid marrying him to start with.Ah but like many women there was no sign of abuse around the wedding day and did not rear its ugly head until after my first baby was born-it really took off then.Also we got together too quickly and as a survivor of my mothers abuse I jumped at the chance of some affection.Many do not know or understand this situation.Many are quick to judge or condemn.
Wow-being a survivor is so complicated.
Jupiter -
Hi Cuppa,
I agree. My ex ‘hid’ behind the normalcy / facade of a family and even used my job to try and make out that he had values himself because of it. He’d tell his customers what my job was- as if it would make them trust him more.
It’s weird: they know right from wrong,and what people value as the right thing- but they themselves don’t want to be moral. They’d rather hide behind us and pretend they are.
It’s a difficult conundrum to work out- and the closest I’ve come to a solution is to say that they are compulsively and intrinsically selfish. They gain a feeling of power from being selfish. Therefore, they don’t want to change ; being loving and giving actually makes them feel like they are giving their power away. They like being mean. They find it too hard to be any different.
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Serenity & Jupiter..interesting reading your views, yes after all as you say J, these are terminologies, which help us…or the world… comprehend or collate ‘types’ into groups, ? for stats, mental health understanding etc..
Whats obvious are the similariities of these ex’s abuse tactics, whatever you want to call it..that we ALL know…the same thread runs though.We all know what each other is talking about, we can’t be wrong and they right…theres too many of us saying the same thing, we are describing emotional physical and financial abuse.
Whatever label is put on it, or not.
We know, we were there, its not from text books for psychology courses, not just words…its evidence, real & honest from women suvivors.
hell yea I’m sensititive, I defy anybody not to face a big angry man, hellbent on destroying me not to be sensitive! jeez thats a minor issue in the whole b****y scenario, think we own sensitive.
cx -
Yes we would have to be comatosed not to be sensitive or have a heart of stone! Ok the downside is pain being like this but the positive is huge growth to love play laugh feel and celebrate the good things in life .The world is our playground despite the pain we may have. This is true wholesome survival.
Jupiter x
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