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Hi, I feel a bit like I shouldn’t post in this section because in the scheme of things my bad days are nothing like the bad days I used to have. But I’m struggling, sad and tired.
A situation at work has been very triggering lately. I had a plan in place to support me which has enabled me to get back to full functioning (almost), my confidence was growing and my anxiety so much less. However staff shortages have caused me to lose all that support, forced me into facing triggering situations and left me feeling exposed from having to explain to people I don’t know or trust why some parts of the job are difficult for me at the moment. I have also been subjected to some very emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviour from managers. I can see it’s happening to others too and it’s not anything about me personally, but I feel vulnerable and scared again in a way I haven’t for ages.
For instance, recently when I was at home alone a van parked outside my house and a man banged aggressively on the door. I was having a lazy day and didn’t want to answer the door to a strange man so I didn’t. He stood at the door for ages. It was really weird. I then heard him saying something angrily to another man and they finally drove away. Later that same day I saw the same van parked where I collect the children from contact. There may have been a perfectly reasonable explanation or just a coincidence but it scared me quite a lot.
My mind feels overwhelmed and I’m jumpy again. I probably just really need a break. I wish I was stronger by now.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to tell people who understand x -
Hi PP,
It’s a bumpy ride to recovery at times. It sounds like you’re mentally and emotionally exhausted and are experiencing anxiety and hyper-vigilance. When I get like that, I can’t bear loud noises and separate myself from
people for a while: the world seems too ‘peopley’ !Can you make an extra effort to engage in relaxation techniques- maybe your meditation and yoga? And take things at a 50% slower pace? Sometimes, lots of things happen at once, and we can feel overwhelmed. Lowering the speed at which we do things can help to restore some equilibrium.
It’s dreadful to have to work with bullies. I’ve been there. Visualisation techniques, like the protective bubble around me, have helped. And not swallowing your thoughts, but being assertive, asserting your boundaries x
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Hi PP,
Could you perhaps do a little bit of Yoga. It sounds like you have been triggered at work and that has activated other memories. Maybe light a nice candle and do some deep tummy breathing.
I am on tenter hooks at the moment also. Triggered by a No Caller ID. I feel like he could jump out on me at any minute. It affects my sleeping, I get stomach cramps and my breathing gets really shallow. Getting over these abusers is a long process but if you just take extra care of yourself at the moment then you can self soothe.
Sending positive thoughts xx -
Sorry to hear you are anxious Peaceful Pig. I can relate to the anxiety and hypervigilance. I am always checking to see if there any strange cars parked on the road, I’m really jumpy and distrustful around men and keep worrying about what he might do knowing how sick and manipulative he is. I’m even checking under the bed and in cupboards because sometimes I feel his presence everywhere and want to be sure he is not in the house, it is a horrible feeling. It has helped me to think ‘if he tries anything, then I will deal with it at the time, but right now I am safe, I am here and I am focusing on working towards my goals and building up my strength.’
Your work situation sounds disappointing, I have had the same thing happen to me in a previous job when lots of people went off sick and suddenly you’re bullied into taking on much more than you should. Would finding a new job be a possibility? Or getting a drs note and speaking to HR to re establish your hours and responsbilities? I did this at the end of one job and it helped me manage it until I could leave. Also remember about your boundaries and saying no even if it feels uncomfortable, we have to protect ourselves from these bullying types.
I agree with the others that self care and meditiation/yoga are really helpful. I am trying to do that myself today.
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Thank you all for your support. I am still managing a little yoga but I’m too exhausted to concentrate on meditation at the moment. I just keep wanting to curl up in a blanket, drink gallons of tea and sleep! I’ve been having a nap on the sofa after work because I’d never make it through all the evening jobs otherwise. It’s very frustrating that work is having such an impact when I was attempting to allow life to be quiet and not take too much on. I feel destined to be exhausted forever! That’s life I suppose.
The good things are that I clearly recognised the manipulation tactics and although I wasn’t able to respond immediately in the way I’d have liked I am being assertive about my needs the fact I won’t tolerate being treated this way. I have been to the union and occupational health to try to protect myself. It was also helpful to see others experiencing the same reactions to this behaviour so I could see it was a normal response to those tactics and not just me because of my past. My career is very important to me and isn’t just a job to me, but I do sometimes wonder if the triggers are too harmful and whether I should reconsider in the light of what I now understand about what’s happened to me. I sometimes have little fantasies about teaching yoga or working in a florists! I guess time will tell.
Alice and sunshine I’m sorry that you’re also feeling so much anxiety, I remember how hard it was to always feel that way. It really does get less. If anything I’m disappointed because I was doing so well and I know I no longer have any valid reasons for my anxiety, except conditioning of course. I need to remember all my forward steps so I don’t get too hung up on a little occasional backwards one 😊
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