Settled in a rut

[Catjam]

I am stuck in a limbo that has become comfortable. We aren’t intimate although he is desperate for us to be. I do everything still for him, we don’t talk about anything important. It’s like we are 2 ostriches with our heads in the sand. We are existing.
I know he is building for one of his “we need to have sex” talks. He will claim he is less angry, trying really hard to make me happy and so on. Part of me so wants things to go back to how they were and part of me wonders if I start being intimate again with him maybe this time we can be better.
I can’t explain what he does anymore. I think I automatically avoid situations that might set him off because I have been programmed to for decades.
There is no physical violence, he doesn’t need to anymore.
It was pointed out to me by a friend that things haven’t changed at all, that maybe I should tell him I need to go somewhere with a male colleague and see his reaction or out for a drink with people he doesn’t know. See what happens then.
I know he hasn’t changed but I have and is that enough to make it work or is that just me looking for the easy, less painful option?
I had a plan, a date I intended to start leaving. I have the money to leave or the ability to get him removed and that now makes me feel ill.
I was so sure it’s what I wanted but now I am confused.
I have been with him for decades, it’s all I know. My sister says I will just know when it’s time, that something will just happen.
I guess this is the easy option at the moment.

[KIP.]

It only feels like the easy option but you’re not allowed to be you. He’s sucking the life from you. I know exactly how you feel. Better the devil you know but it’s not true. It’s your brain not wanting to face the consequences of leaving. Not great advice to provoke a reaction from an abuser. My ex used the ‘I’m only angry because I don’t get enough sex’ excuse. Pathetic. No amount of sex will change him. It’s because you’re using the ‘no’ word that he’s angry. Imagine yourself an old lady looking back on your life. What would you tell your younger self now? Do you have support from women’s aid? Have you read Living with the Dominator?

[Catjam]

I have read the book but not had contact with anyone else in months. I know there are a lot more people in dire need so dont want to push for help. That sounds like I am down playing my life but i know in my current situation I am in no danger unlike a lot of people.
I cant explain what goes on or what I want. I rarely talk about anything important to me anymore. I dont discuss work or my (detail removed by Moderator) I am taking. I have received some money from (detail removed by Moderator), not much but he doesn’t know I have it yet as he has already started dropping suggestions about things we need or rather he needs or wants. Plus he has been made redundant so keeps complaining about how he cant afford the bills or to live. He hasn’t even started looking for work yet. I think he already has a new job lined up but wants my money to go before he announces it.

[KIP.]

My ex did the same. They want to leave us with no money because that means it’s very much harder to leave and means we are even more reliant on them. Nasty devious people. He will spend all your money, then get the job and be back on top. They remove every little piece of independence. You need help to get out of this relationship. Depression leaves us unable to act but women’s aid can help. You are just as much in need of help and entitled to help as anyone else x maybe more because you’re frozen x

[gettingtired]

Hi Catjam, I’m the same as you feeling stuck in a rut, just existing. I feel like covid makes it worse because of the restrictions on so many things too.
Just because you’re not in immediate danger doesn’t mean your situation isn’t worthy xx

[Catjam]

I have started having mild panic attacks. Overwhelming sense of anxiety, unable to catch my breath. I had one in front of him, I said I was struggling to cope with a bereavement, worrying about our kids who all have jobs that deal with the public daily. Bit like everyone this year just caught up with me, I am exhausted from not having any time off at all this year.
I also realised that my coping mechanism has always been imagining getting my house done. It’s never been finished. It’s not been decorated in years, I could never afford to do it, he says it’s fine as it is.
But when I have struggled to sleep, I start at the top and go through each room getting it done. I now have the money to do it but know as soon as I start spending it he will need it.
I am still young enough to buy him out but I doubt he will leave as he knows how emotionally attached to the house I am.
That all sounds so lame written down.

[KIP.]

I was trauma bonded to my house in a way that it was mY safe place when out and had a panic attack. That’s where I ran to. In my head I felt safe there but in reality there was nothing safe about that home. A house is just bricks and mortar. A home is a safe warm comfortable relaxing space to nourish a family. That wasn’t my house. That’s where counselling really helps to challenge our warped thought process. You’re very lucky to be in position to buy him out. Talk to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice. If he won’t go then a court can make him x please also report his behaviour to your gp. He’s making you ill and logging this can help the legal process

[Catjam]

I have spoken to my gp, she’s the one who referred me to my local support group but I have been waiting for help since March, I have tried contacting them again but still waiting. I’m lucky my house is in such a state it’s not worth as much as it should.

He has just asked when we can have sex!! I guess he assumes because we are still as we were just without it then we must be ok. I can see his point in a way but clearly he can’t or won’t understand why I don’t want to. He thinks I will be admitting defeat if I back down and we have sex. Told him it’s not about winning or losing.
I am trying hard not to explain or justify my reasons.

[KIP.]

It’s about winning and losing in his mind that’s why he thinks you’re thinking the same. It’s because you’re saying no. He’s not in control and he can’t stand that. Why would you want to have sex with someone who harms you. Disrespects you. Ignores your wishes and boundaries.

[Catjam]

I had an event (detail removed by moderator). Only important to me and it needed my full attention. As I was leaving he came upto me, hugged me and started crying. I then ignored him and carried on outside and he came and stood on the street, crying, (detail removed by moderator). I was so angry initially then I calmed down as I drove to where I needed to be.
Got home and he was clearly expecting some response about it, I gave him nothing. He then got annoyed because I wouldn’t listen to his point about something trivial.
He is like a toddler having a tantrum.

[KIP.]

Yep. Trying to sabotage an important event. So very typical. You will see the real nasty him when he doesn’t get your sympathy and attention. That’s the time when you may be able to act. Before he starts the pity trip.

[KIP.]

My ex used to do this. Instead of saying good luck for today, I’m proud of you. They deliberately try to stunt our growth and hold us back in life x their aim is to keep us down.

[Catjam]

He has been encouraging me to progress in some training because he says I will be able to earn decent money and work from home. Told him I don’t want to leave my job as I enjoy it and the people I meet, the training is just to get my brain working and a chance to help my confidence and meet new people. It’s taken several years to finally pluck up the courage to do it.

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