29th June 2020 at 5:45 pm #108140
I really do not know how to keep on going knowing that one of my parents stuck their hand inside me…front/back/my throat. I’ve been trying to process it but I’m getting sensations in my body like I’m climaxing. It’s really f*****g me up. I’ve got no memories that I can recall, over the past month it’s been getting worse and I can’t do anything because my brain is misfiring on all cylinders and I’ve got no retention. I don’t know what to do 🤯 my youngest hasn’t been here since (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m panicking now because I can’t show any emotion and pretending to be happy is going to be a real f****n stretch!! I don’t know what to do
29th June 2020 at 5:54 pm #108141KIP.Participant
Call the NHS 24 or your doctor and ask for help or ring Rape crisis helpline and ask for advice. If yourE worried about your youngest just tell them you’re feeling ill and need to stay in bed. Isolate yourself as much as possible until your brain adjusts. I used to repeat the day date and time, so that my mind knew it was the present day and not years ago. I had a mantra and would keep repeating it. Do you have any medication? Something might get you over this hurdle. Can you talk to a counsellor? What can you do to distract yourself. Mindfulness. Alphabet backwards. Yoga. Colouring in. Try to distract your brain. Look left and pick an object and colour. Look right and pick another object and colour and keep repeating.
29th June 2020 at 8:18 pm #108148
Thank you. I’m ringing the dr tomorrow. I have nothing in my head. Thanks for those strategies x
29th June 2020 at 9:57 pm #108163
My therapist is ringing me in the morning. I have so many bad thoughts are coming to me. I’m being flooded with all kinds of traumatic things from all ages. It’s come at a really bad time. There’s a celebration directed at me and and I’ve been excited but now this has hit me like a brick and… I have no feelings, they’re all gone
1st July 2020 at 8:59 pm #108419BraelynnParticipant
This tide that comes – just comes when it does. We don’t get a warning, a scheduled appointed time when it might happen……..I know how it is, has happened to me as well. But sweetheart, it has to come out. There’s only so much room inside you for all of this. You’ve done the very best you could to keep it all down, to not let anyone see, to act normal, to not cry out when you were in horrific pain……but that can’t keep going on. You’re not built for that. No one is. The explosion goes off in us internally and shatters us when we keep it in. And if we don’t then we start having cracks and things spill out anyways and that’s what is happening now with you.
These people who did this to you are monsters. The damage they have caused is of a high magnitude and you need alot of TLC, guidance, counseling and you being willing to say – all this was not my fault. It wasn’t. We didn’t ask for it. One thing that rape or incest survivors don’t understand sometimes is your body reacts to stimulation all on it’s own. We might not give permission but it does what it does. Doesn’t mean we are bad, doesn’t mean we are guilty and absolutely doesn’t mean we need to hate our bodies.
Perpetrators count on us blaming ourselves for this, blaming ourselves for what they did, etc. All this is old school to them and they educate each other on this as well. Alot of these creeps talk to each other and compare notes.
But we have to break free of all that and just walk out of the dark forest in a straight line. No more going round and round circles. You need to be heard, you need affirmation, education, tools and a safe place to heal.
Our memories happen when they do and it’s usually because something either triggered them to come out or it means that your rational logical side of your brain is now ready to handle the memories. This is all quite normal for sexual abuse victims. It really is. There’s no real way to totally prepare for it when it happens. I have sat beside many of them and walked them through it but it’s powerful when it all comes tumbling out. I smile because – I’m glad the pimple finally popped. They look at me like I seriously want to hurt you right now! Why are you smiling?? I’m like – well……more room out than in and you’ve had a very bad infection for a long, long time so might as well just get this done now so we can start moving forward to your healing.
I have found that listening to classical music does help and I’ll tell you why. Classical is constantly original – meaning that – it doesn’t repeat itself for the most part. Our modern music does and it bores me to tears sometimes because the same bars are repeated over and over again and I’m like borrriinngg, if I wanted a chant I’d look one up! But classical is constantly changing so it works your brain. In a very good way. Especially when you are thinking negatively or repeating the same things over and over again. Classical music puts a stick in the wheel and says, oh no you don’t because now that I’m playing here your mind can’t do that one! Mozart and Beethoven are wonderful. Vilvaldi and Haydn as well.
I hope your therapist is trained in sexual abuse/incest because you need a therapist that is. I suggest an exercise. With your functional hand that you write with – write to your little girl, tell her whatever you want, need to ask, etc. Then with your other hand use crayons and a pen or a pencil and ask that part of you to write you back. It’s amazing what happens. I didn’t believe it could be true until I did it at an inner child workshop and I was shocked to my core. My little girl had alot to say!
At any rate, you do whatever calms you and in the morning you can talk to your therapist and go from there. It will get better, it will but you have to go through this because you can’t keep all this inside forever. It doesn’t feel good but neither does hiding it all this time. I understand. If you want to PM me, feel free. I am here for you. My incest was very bad and went on for many years. I am well aware of where you are right now. It feel like you are going insane when actually you are very much on the road to sanity and don’t realize it. BIG HUGS TO YOU!
1st July 2020 at 9:05 pm #108421BraelynnParticipant
Also know that you are experiencing body memories which are just as real as picture memories. And children can’t verbalize very well when they are little, especially when they are very young. That’s why so many therapists will have you do art therapy, even as an adult because when accessing that little part of you – this may be the more appropriate language for a small child. They use this when dealing with children who have been sexually abused as well.
Body memories are very very real and it’s a language that you are using in order to say – this happened to me. Much like a little girl might draw out a picture and push it over to you saying – this happened to me, by what she drew..
2nd July 2020 at 7:55 am #108455
Thank you so much. My therapist does specialise in abuse and trauma so I’m really fortunate for that. I have had these feelings in my pelvis for ever but I can’t do anything now. I’m going to have a block of sessions to shift it. I just can’t cope as well as I have been, at the moment. It’s thrown me quite a bit. Thank you all so much for the support you give me x
2nd July 2020 at 8:15 am #108458EggshellsParticipant
This is so horrible for your freedomfries. Its such a difficult process to go through. Please hold on to hope. It won’t always be this bad, your future could be wonderful. You just need get though this. Some great strategies from KIP and Braelyn to help you hold on to yourself in the here and now.
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