Sex after rape

[Tiredone]

I know this is a touchy subject as a lot of us have been victims of sexual violence but I can’t talk to my friends about it because they don’t understand.

I was raped multiple times by my ex and now feel really weird about sex. I flit between wanting sex and not wanting to be touched. I am realising what I thought was passion was actually dominance and he actually did a lot of things that I didn’t like. I hated it at first but went along with it because it made him happy and I wanted to please him. Eventually it became normal and I stopped saying no. It took a long time to accept that I was in an abusive relationship let alone raped but now that I have I really struggle with sex and intimacy.

I have a new(ish) boyfriend, who is kind, loving and gentle, I am very attracted to him but I don’t feel that “raw passionate intense” feeling that I had with my ex and I’m struggling to have sex. Before we were a couple it was better because there was no feelings involved but I would still feel s**t about sex.

Between my ex and my current boyfriend I went on a bit of a rampage because I didn’t care about myself at all. I wanted to die at times. I had been repeatedly told that I was disgusting, worthless and unattractive so I sort validation from other men. As you can imagine it made me feel even worse.

My boyfriend is the first man that wasn’t just interested in me for the sex. He wanted to get to know me and form a friendship. He is extremely patient with me but he can’t win. If he doesn’t want to have sex then I shut down, if he does want sex then I shut down. Sometimes I think about sex and being touched and I am repulsed and other times I’m really into it. I get flashbacks during and after sex, I have nightmares about being raped but also want to have sex.

I’m so confused and I don’t think I’m making much sense. I hope some of you can understand and help. Waiting for therapy so welcome any advice you all might have.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this, it sounds very difficult.
I think you are so right when you say that a lot of us have challenges with intimacy – and some ladies on here would probably talk about traumatic bonding, you know that ‘rush’ that you get when that sort of bonding is going on…

As for me, right now I am steering clear of sex, even though I have the possibility. It is kind of like I am so confused about it I would like to get to know myself and my own feelings before I walk in to that territory again. Also there were things in my last relationship (red flags) that definitely made me feel unsafe. I had actually finished a relationship with someone and they persisted in issuing what I thought were over the top sexual innuendos, when I simply wanted friendship and companionship and cooperative help with day to day living.

You know as far as being ‘confused’ is concerned…I would just say again be kind to yourself, it is okay not to have all the answers right away …I dont’ think many people do, although a lot of us go around pretending that we do, especially as far as relationships are concerned.

Well done you for taking the time to post on this board. Like you, there are many things that I am not able to say to other people which the ladies on here understand.

all best
ftc
x

[Tiffany]

I just took sex off the table with my lovely loving caring new partner until I was ready. I thought I was ready, we had sex a couple of times. I realised I wasn’t ready and took it off the table again. I also asked him to avoid specific acts, which I found triggering. I also found it useful to pick positions where I was in charge of pace, until I knew I could trust him completely. I have stopped sex halfway through because I am feeling triggered. Basically you have to give yourself permission to do what it right for you. Stop thinking about pleasing your new partner and focus on your needs. For me, my sex drive returned fairly quickly once I felt truly safe. It is better now than it has ever been, even if there are a few things I still avoid because of my history of sexual abuse. Honestly I think it is partly because I kept such strong boundaries intitually. I know the guy I am with will always put my comfort over his pleasure. Hope this helps.

[Tiredone]

I knew I would get good on advice on here. Heirs forum is truly a lifesaver.

We had a talk about our sex life and both agreed that things needed to change. He also reassured me he’s not going to break up with me or cheat because we haven’t cracked the sex thing yet. That was very reassuring to hear. I always tell him to be with someone easier but he doesn’t want to leave. He is a wonderful man.

I am worried that I am making him feel bad about his body because I have had really negative reactions to sex in the past.

Trauma bonding makes a lot of sense. I did feel like all of my other relationships with friends and family were light and fluffy and not intense enough. I can see now that this also translates to my opinion on sex. I don’t know how to stop thinking that the only to have sex is to be hurt or violated in some way.

Right now we can do 2 positions and it’s very vanilla and it doesn’t last long and I’m left frustrated or freaked out. I blame my current partner for things that go wrong during sex (if he doesn’t want sex or it is over too quickly or doesn’t reciprocate something) when it’s actually my ex’s behaviour that I’m reacting to. As I said earlier my bf can’t win. Whatever he does will be wrong. he walks on a lot of eggshells and I’m worried that he will reach his limit and leave me.

I’m so annoyed that my ex still has such a huge affect on my life even though we haven’t spoken for (detail removed by moderator).

[Tiffany]

I would definitely recommend agreeing a period of time in which you have a sex ban in your relationship, which both of you agree to enforce. It will take the pressure off you to sort how you feel right now and give you a bit of space. My experience has also been that it increases my desire – everything is more appealing when it isn’t allowed – making sex more appealing when you finally get round to it. Especially if he is the good guy you say he is and will stand firm on not doing anything until the agreed time period is up. Although there is obviously no pressure to have sex at the end of the ban period! It’s all about giving yourself space, not creating stressful deadlines, after all.

[Sunshine]

Hi,
Just want to say hello and i hope things get better for you. No one will understand a abused girlfriend (really) Am with a totally different man and I have no idea why at times he stays with me. I at times give him no affection because i feel emotionally dead. It’s a hard hard thing to explain, even our own heads can’t get round it so how can anyone else? I 99% of the time don’t want cuddled or kissed. Nothing. Not because i don’t like him its because i don’t want it.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re really brave getting into a relationship again. Its nice that your new partner is being careful with you, but you need to be more loving towards yourself.
Being intimate after rape is a really hard thing to do.
I think you have to accept that things are not going to resolve themselves overnight. Please stop getting angry at yourself about this.
I know that I can never recover from what was done to me to let another person near me again, but we all heal differently.

[maddog]

I was raped a long long time ago. It was still hot on the card when I met my ex and I told him about it (stupid thing to do). The bar was low. My ex didn’t know the meaning of consent and took everything. He never held me at knife point or obviously threatened me. He used me as a sex toy. He took what he wanted when he wanted. I was not part of that.

I am now with someone else and it feels wonderful that my body is still able to respond. It is wonderful to feel as though it is a mutual agreement, that we are doing something together.

Rape Crisis has been fantastic. I had a bit of an outpouring recently with new boyfriend. I know that so much that has happened really isn’t suitable for relationships. It’s too much to bare.

Whatever next, please remember that you have witnessed terrible things. You didn’t make them happen. It is not your fault.

[Confused123]

hi lovely

u seem to have really nice patient boyfriend , i would continue to take slowly and as the other lady mentioned tell him u want to start slowly with sex and if u feel at some point u not ready to stop , i think he will understand.

[Tiredone]

Hello ladies. Thank you for all your advise. I have experienced a lot of what you have gone through so in a morbid way it is comforting to know that you know what I’m talking about and how I feel.

An update: I have finally started trauma therapy and that has been a massive help. At the moment my sex life is a lot better than it was. It was non existent before Christmas (I always really struggle at Christmas time anyway) and my boyfriend was very, very patient and understanding. I’m not repulsed by watching other people on TV being intimate (even a kiss on the cheek would make me shudder) at the moment and we’re being a tiny bit more adventurous. I like being kissed and hugged again which is great because my boyfriend is super affectionate.

I haven’t started talking about the abuse and rape in my therapy yet so I don’t know how that will affect our relationship but I am really hoping that after it’s finished, the memories of the rape won’t be so debilitating. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

[maddog]

Well done! I started trauma therapy when my ex was still in the house. We stopped because it was like holding back the tide. Now it is a real eye opener. I am still seeing my friend. Not exactly hot dates… but for now I find much to be enjoyed although my life is still in the air.

[Tiredone]

I can’t imagine having to go home to the person who caused me so much pain after a trauma therapy session. You are incredible for being able to do it at all, even if it was only for a short time. I haven’t even touched on the abusive relationship yet and it is really hard to keep going back each week.

I hope things work out with your friend and that they are supporting you. The dust will settle eventually. It has to, right? Things can’t stay this way forever. That’s what I would tell myself when things were really awful with my ex.

[maddog]

When I was offered the counselling they said it coukd be hard. It was like being offered the opportunity to dance instead of limping about. I don’t have long left although already the grounds are shifting. I dudn’t start with the abusuve relationship either. That is more like the icing on the cake!

[Tiredone]

I made a big mistake today. Got too cocky and bought myself a toy and it freaked me out. I had used similar ones in the past with no problem but this one felt extremely invasive and alien and reminded me of being raped.

Will be talking about my abusive relationship this week. Maybe that’s why I freaked out. It reminded me of him and it made me feel violated. Back to square one.

[maddog]

I know what you mean about that one. I couldn’t let it near me without being reminded. It is difficult when we have had everything taken including our bodies. Luckily it’s not a game of snakes and ladders. Instead it is baby steps. On reflectiin I was never safe with my ex. There was no love. His way of showing affection was with his pen is. It makes me shudder.

[Iwantmeback]

I recently flung all ‘our’ toys out. I always felt he enjoyed using them on me more than I enjoyed them being used. Got fed up with him saying I preferred them to him and constantly needing reassured that ‘no darling I much prefer you’, when he was the one who insisted we got them in the first place.
💕💕

[Tiffany]

We all have surprising setbacks sometimes. It gets better. But it’s also good to practice our boundaries and say “ok, I’m not ready for that” or “ok, I don’t think I ever want to do that again”. The good news is this is an easy opportunity to practice this. You don’t have to tell anyone except yourself. But it is good practice for when you hit these hiccups with a partner because you can always say “not now”, or “not ever” to things you are uncomfortable with. It gets easier, but there are still days where I won’t be kissed. And days where I won’t be touched at all. And that is absolutely ok.

[Tiredone]

Thank you all for being so honest. I feel like a hussy for talking about it but I’m trying to reclaim my sexuality and trying not to be ashamed of myself or my body. I am not a w***e like he said I was (for not responding to a message!!!) and women should enjoy sex just as much as men do.

Luckily my bf was very responsive and patient so when I freaked out he stopped straight away and gave me a hug. I was worried that he might be intimidated / angry by the toy but he was happy that I felt ready to try something new. He was also worried that I might freak out so was very gentle. I think that freaked me out too because I am still used to men being forceful and not giving me a choice.

[Tiffany]

Of course you are not a w***e! Which incidentally is a stupid word used to stop women having and enjoying sex while keeping it totally acceptable for men! You are absolutely allowed to reclaim sex if you want to. And to talk about it if you want to. You are also allowed to take breaks from reclaiming it because you are not in the mood/feel triggered/would rather have a bath and read a book. It’s all about reclaiming autonomy and control over your body. It is a great thing to do, so long as you remember the primary goal initially us just to say yes or no based on whether things feel nice or not nice to you in that moment.

Also it is perfectly normal for niceness and gentleness to feel triggering at the start, but it gradually becomes the norm and stops reminding you of how different your ex was.

Basically everything gets better with time and firm consent boundaries.

[Tiredone]

Thank you for being so kind and understanding, Tiffany. I am so used to talking about myself and my body negatively now. I want to get back to a place where I’m not disgusted by my body or by the things entering it. I used to have hang ups like everyone but now they’re in overdrive and I’m hyper critical of myself. Sometimes I find myself utterly repulsive because of what my ex made me do and what he did to me.

I would never dream of s**t shaming another woman but am so cruel to myself. I can hear his voice every time I feel good about myself or the way I look. I still worry about what I’m wearing, I don’t really wear make up any more or do my nails because I keep hearing him criticising me and my body. I’m hoping that his opinion won’t mean anything to me soon.

[Tiffany]

I found it really helpful after I left to experiment with different styles that didn’t remind me of being with him. I basically gradually got rid of all my old clothes and tried a wide range of insane stuff from charity shops before I settled into a style I was happy with. For me, he didn’t let me wear makeup much while we were together, so I temporarily went nuts with that too when I got free. It felt good to do what I felt like doing, rather than to please him. And it felt very much like self care. Maybe if you associated wearing makeup with your abuser it might be nice to go without though, and focus just on looking after your skin with nice moisturizer, or face masks or something. I think it is important to look after ourselves in small ways after abuse just to remind us we deserve better. Because you deserve the best. You really do.

[maddog]

I watched Naked Dating the other day & was mortified. When the contestants are asked to speak it is only about the best and worst parts of their bodies. I don’t have a ‘best’ part. The cancer was pretty rubbish.
Like our birthdays or where we were born we don’t have much control over how our bodies are. A working body is a good one. A living body is a good one even with bits missing.

I get my hair cut morecoften these days and I colour it because it’s there.

The people who do these things to us wouldn’t get a job as compost.

I am not so good on the self care. It’s been too long standing. But it’s getting better.

I think you deserve a trophy for your brave shopping! You will belong back to you.

[Tiredone]

You’re so right, maddog, a living body is a good one and I often don’t appreciate that. You are a survivor in more ways than one.

I did the hair cutting thing. It has helped a bit but didn’t have the desired affect that I was hoping for. Also I got rid of some clothes that he liked/ruined. I didn’t have much anyway as he made me get rid of lots of my clothes and possessions. I remember getting packing to move country and everything I owned fit into th ree small boxes and his stuff fit into over a hund red!!! How did I become so small and not realise it??

I hope that I will start wearing make up and doing my nails when I care about myself a bit more. Self care is difficult for me because I still don’t think I’m worth caring about. I feel like damaged goods and not worthy of my bf’s love, kindness or affection.

I’m dreading tomorrow as it will be the first time that I have properly spoken about the rapes (sounds awful and weird in equal measure and still struggling with that word) in my trauma therapy. I have waited for so long to get this help but now it’s here I really don’t want to go. I have spent so many years avoiding anything that reminds me of him and what he did to me so to talk about it, in depth, repeatedly is making me feel sick. And very very angry that he will get away with it all. I am raging

[Author]

Posts