Sex in an abusive relationship (maybe tmi)

[Popilol]

So I was asked if there was sexual abuse from my recent ex. I jumped and said no! Now… thinking about it, I’m starting to think there was. He would have loud sex with me when we had visitors so everyone knew what we were doing. He put a lock on our bedroom door. He liked rough sex, strangling, hair pulling, pinning down. Toward the end it was always me doing foreplay, never once him. He would refuse sex also towards the end, when I initiated it, he would just say no thanks.

I wonder if I am looking too much into
It as I began to enjoy some of the rough sex even though I had never experienced it with anyone else. Does that make it right?
Very confused.

[SunshineRainflower]

I know what you mean, I initially thought there had been no sexual abuse with my ex, but then I realised that pretty much all of it was. They dupe us into a sexual relationship by pretending to be a different person (loving, kind, faithful etc) which is a type of sexual coercion in itself. There’s no way on earth I would have dated my ex and slept with him had I known he was in reality a misogynistic p********h.

My ex was also rough in bed and bruised me a lot ‘accidentally’ or so I thought. He also put his hands around my neck then angrily denied he had done it. He started off being like a Casanova and by the end I felt like a sex doll – zero affection. I felt very confused too because I also initially liked sleeping with him until he started to get really cold with me, shouting at me if I moved etc.

It definitely sounds like your ex was sexually abusive strangling you in bed etc then later withholding affection. Classic abuser behaviour.

[Popilol]

Thank you for replying. Yes! There was zero affection by the end! I would have to ‘perform’ and he would grab my hair (gag). I felt the same, like a sex doll. He didn’t care if I enjoyed it at all he just enjoyed the fact that he was controlling me.
Honestly couldn’t see this at all up until today when I was talking to my friend.

[KIP.]

Think back to the early days of the sexual side of things. For me it was always consensual, no coercion or veiled threats or sulking or threatening to go elsewhere. That’s how I know it became abuse.

[Popilol]

KIP,yes it was fun and definitely a 50/50 sexual relationship at first. Things changed so much over the years. Gradually he started calling me names during sex and telling me I loved it- I HATED it! Why would anyone like it???

[Iwantmeback]

Oh my god, he says that to me too, you love this you love me being rough, i fu..ing hate it, just because I let it happen in the beginning he says I’m no fun anymore, I’m uptight. He has always wanted to do o..l but so it makes you gag, I couldn’t and wouldnt do it, cant do o..l at all now. 💔

[EbonyRaven]

Sex was great at first, and he paid lots of attention during it. That didn’t last sadly.
I got called disgusting for suggesting that we have some fun with sex. He also said that I must have got those ideas from all those men I was having affairs with. That got thrown in my face so many times.
Goodness help me if I laughed during sex at all, ever. You know those times when you both get sweaty and ‘f**t noises’ happen, or you slip off one another etc. If I laughed then it must be at him.
Then there were the nights I’d have an early start the next day, a presentation to give, something important. Sex would be used to keep me awake. Saying no would mean he would talk on, and on, and on about how much I hated him, how he needed affection, etc. etc. He would insist that he ‘make’ me orgasm. He’d be drunk, and clumsy so I’d be dry, but that must be my fault so he’d just go on more, doing the same things.
Suggesting that he move his hand/fingers a certain way would lead to a tirade of accusations about how he wasn’t good enough for me etc.
He would want back door sex often, and would say that people who loved one another shouldn’t need lubrication (???). He’d pretend that he’d accidentally got into that position, and had ‘fallen in’ during normal strokes.
He wouldn’t stop once there, as he’d done it once when I’d got extremely drunk and, apparently, I’d joined in then so that meant I’d enjoy it again if he carried on. I don’t drink anymore.
He once bought some ‘toys’ and said he thought maybe we could use them. That was a disaster. The accusations of how I enjoyed them more than him, how I probably used them all the time when he wasn’t about etc. The massive sulk after we’d used them the one time.
I became terrified of any show of affection, because I knew exactly what it would lead to.
In public, he’d want to full on french kiss, and have his hands wandering all over me in pubs etc. I think that’s bad enough when you see youngsters do it, let alone people our age. So embarrassing. Of course saying no was a huge insult.
However, if I suggested we spice things up by doing it somewhere risky (ish) outdoors (When I tried to have a normal learning about each other sexual relationship), then I was a foul s**g. Again, it would be flung at me to humiliate me many times.

I wouldn’t call it any type of normal sexual relationship, that’s for certain.

[maddog]

For me there was always something odd right from the very beginning. He only ever used me as a sex toy. I thought it would improve. I absolutely didn’t get it as I wanted to believe what he was telling me. How stupid was I. Sex was only ever on his terms, only ever ‘his way of showing affection’. It was not a shared experience. It caused so many problems and of course I was the one at fault. My ex took everything.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Maddog, I get that too, felt used in the beginning of our relationship, it was pretty rough, legs pushed apart while hes going full pelt, maybe it was excitement on his part, but something felt not quite right. But i put it down to meeting someone who loved sex as much as me, he totally pushed my boundaries though, but i loved him didn’t i, so i allowed him free reign so to speak. I did things with him because he’d say it showed how much I loved him, and like a love sick teenager I did. What a bl..dy fool was I 😔
He even said I’d love being raped, yet he knew a close relation had sexually abused me as a child. He even said I’d love to s..g him, how messed up is that?
I’m glad we only have sex so few and far between now. I’m getting better at pretending, for a while there it was causing panic attacks the thought of doing it. Got that under control now.
Take care of yourself, it’s been a while since I saw your name on here. Hope all’s well with you💜
IWMB 💕💕

[Popilol]

All Of the above brings back memories!
He would also say his manhood was small (it wasn’t, it was average) so that I would have to tell him that it was normal and not small… to make him feel better about himself.
He would do things during sex and constantly tell me I loved it. If it hurt he would do it more. It aroused him, that he was hurting me. He got off in the power of sex I am sure. Honestly, he was rubbish in bed as the relationship progressed because it was all about him. He didn’t even try to arouse me, so I would often be dry. Then he would say that He didn’t turn me on anymore so there must be something wrong with me.

[Popilol]

Something just jogged my memory! We had lots of sex toys. He stopped using them because he said I preferred them to him! He would say they were bigger than him And that’s why I liked them. He was never bothered if I was satisfied in bed at all.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi all, what a truly enlightening post, thank you @Popilol for having the courage to start it. My oh introduced me to rough sex too, I’d never experienced it before.confused me because i liked the rush it gave me but felt dirty afterwards. He also refers to his pe..s as if it’s a person, he loves that, or he’ll say his name as if it’s someone else, e.g. (name) loves when you do that, not I love when you do that, I’ve always found that so very odd and quite freaky to be honest.
He had such stamina in the beginning but I ALWAYS felt used, though it did get gentler as we’ve aged, but the name calling during it is still there. I think that’s part of the reason I dont let it happen as often now. I won’t dress up for him now either, it makes me feel cheap, yet I loved wearing sexy underwear for me not just him. He too pushed fir back door as someone put it. I’d never done it before him, so I did because I loved him and because he was my first since he wasn’t my first the other way. I think that was his way of feeling good( not the word I’m looking fir but can’t think of one appropriate just now.) Pleased with himself, I think that’s what I mean.
Sunshinerainflower, I bruise easily, I think it appealed to my oh to see me marked like that, esp with marks around my throat when he introduced strangling.it Terrified me, he liked me doing it to him to, the tighter the better, but it is such a dangerous game to play they are crazy!! I was never comfortable with tying up either, would do it to him rather than him do it to me. He liked to bite my neck too esp if I was going out, just in case I had any ideas like.should have just branded me and be done with it. Yet i got a tattoo of his name and he went crazy, i ended up covering it up??
Since menopause I’ve never had an orgasm, don’t know why, he takes it as a challenge to make me come also, I wonder if when I leave, it’ll ever happen again. I dont even do self love any more😌 doesn’t interest me one bit either. From being very sexual ive gone to the flaming moon, in that it’s so out of reach.
Ebony Raven , we to got toys, he to said I preferred then to him unless we used one and him at the same time, it just felt so foolish and embarrassing.
This thread is fascinating yet macabre at the same time.
IWMB 💕💕

[Popilol]

My ex loved ‘back door’ sex. Yet he said I loved it, not him. I am sure it was the power as he would pin me down, it hurt me, and the fact that it made me feel dirty and cheap.
He used to say it was the only way to make me come, every time.

[JessicaJones]

So basically what all our ex’s/partners share is they all have massive, blatant feelings of sexual inadequacy. I don’t even think mine enjoyed the feelings of rough sex that much, at least not in the sexual sense. He just felt that rougher meant better. The rougher and more abusive, the more of a man he was. And it got absolutely ridiculous in the end. I’m not even going to share. Does anyone else suspect their guy had homosexual and/or bisexual feelings that they couldn’t acknowledge or accept? I know mine did and I think that’s what was much of the cause of his anger in that area. It made him feel less of a man for not being fully heterosexual and that caused him to feel ridiculously sexually inadequate. I think this is the case for many men who behave this way. Although not all.

[Eve1]

Yes, I definitely did suspect that my ex abuser was interested in men sexually. Once on holiday am older man kind of took him to one side and paid him a lot attention for ages and it just seemed odd to me. I know it doesn’t sound like anything but I just had a weird feeling about it, And o once I had his phone and had to check, he was always flirty with women at work and I was suspicious and I found images of mens p…..s. It was a second hand phone and he said they were already there when he bought it. ??

Like some of you ladies, I didn’t really think there was sexual abuse until I thought about it after I left. At first it was all fine, enjoyable, fun but gradually it changed. He thought it was my duty, even after he’d been really horrible.

Thanks to you brave ladies for sharing.

X

[Popilol]

I wondered the same with my ex. He told me stories of being in gay clubs. He reckoned he was sexually abused by a man. I doubted this then and I still do now. It did make me ask the same question as you though.

[Popilol]

Sex was never loving, he stopped kissing me completely. It was always rough or really quick sex, so that he was satisfied. He wouldnt even kiss me goodbye or anything when he left for work.
All these little things I’m starting to remember. It helps to write them down, and it helps that other people had the same experiences.

[Iwantmeback]

I think a lot of their behaviour comes from watching porn, lots of it. He tried to get me to watch it with him, but it just doesn’t interest me, it’s awful. I see a lot of what he does as if it’s straight out of a porn movie,previously, (when i was more able)he’d change positions numerous times, then expect a bj in between, to which I obliged because I thought that was normal, now I don’t. I’ve always been aware of germs and cross contamination, going from one hole to another is just gross, yet he loved me, told me I loved it and if I tried to disagree he’d laugh and say your body says otherwise. I feel as if I’ve become such a prude compared to my younger self, yet I’ve always been uncomfortable with people kissing in public, I mean really kissing.
You can’t even have a cuddle and they think it means you want sex. EVERY day, and I mean EVERY day, no matter what I say he manages to insinuate something sexual through it. It is utterly relentless. I just silently hmph and a hopeless smile appears, which I think he takes as I find it funny when it’s the furthest emotion from my mind. It’s more “for f..k’s sake” give it a rest.
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

Try not to get too overwhelmed by it. I look it as simply just another form of abuse. Financial, emotional, mental,physical and sexual. Why wouldn’t they abuse the sexual side when they abuse every other side. It’s just in their nature. Mine kept touching me where I didn’t want touched. Even though I’d tell him each and every time. He just wanted me to have to ask him to stop. Giving him back the power. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Popilol]

Iwmb yes mine was the same with the whole bj thing. He loved controlling what I was doing, holding my head and hair so that I didn’t stop, gagged, couldn’t breathe. It started out that I wanted to Pleasure him, if he liked it then I wanted to give him gratification. It began to be normal during and before sex. It ended up being so normal that he wouldn’t get aroused without it. It was expected off me every single time. Watching porn was one of his favourite things before we got together. He told me he used to watch it with his friends whilst having a wxxk. Not entirely sure that’s true, but he would have perceived it as the truth anyway. The porn he watched baffled me. I couldn’t see anything sexy about any of it. It certainly never got me aroused. Always men just lying there while the women done all the work. That’s exactly what he expected in the end. So yes, I agree a lot of his sexual behaviour came from the porn he watched, absolutely.

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

My ex used to watch open every chance he could get even whilst sitting on the toilet doing a number 2. So I asked nicely as to why he would do that and his response was “it’s just like you watching your soaps but I watch porn”. I once checked his history and it was girls in their teens very skinny figures being dominated, yet he told me he loved bigger woman. All so very strange now I look back.
Also in the beginning it was about pleasuring each other then towards the end he wouldn’t even touch me down there at all. I had to do oral on him then straight into sex with no arousing on my part. He would c*m then go to sleep. I also had to be shaved down there otherwise he would say I don’t take care of myself etc and if I shaved more he would do more oral on me. Did he f**k. Just more control and bullying. Ewwwww feel sick thinking about it all now lol

[Popilol]

It happens so slowly over time. It goes from making love to him gratifying himself, leaving me feeling unloved and dirty. I was a very sexual person. Open to try new things and always willing to please my partner. I enjoyed giving oral sex. I now hate doing it. I worry what I will be like if I ever get close enough to someone again. I feel like my sexual identity was taken away from me. I stopped wearing nice clothing. I had always worn low cut tops to parties for example, not nasty ones, but nice ones. The last party we attended I wore a onesie! Wouldn’t have been seen in one before I met him! My friends all questioned what I was wearing, but I knew deep down it was because it would stop him causing a scene saying I was looking sexy for someone else at the party.
Even then, that party ended in disaster as he got aggressive with a really good male friend of mine and my friend left as he felt so uncomfortable. My ex told me the next day that I had asked for a threesome with them and I had kept pushing it and asking. Saying I wanted sex with my friend. Now I have known this guy 20+ years and I have never felt like that about him. I had been drunk and my ex convinced me that I had a black out and didn’t remember doing it. My friend said I hadn’t once said anything to him and I hadn’t flirted with him at all. They are so good at planting false memories in our heads!!!

[SunshineRainflower]

I’ve just read through this thread and it’s so helpful, I can relate to so much of it. Thank you Popilol for creating this discussion.

I also think my ex had homosexual/bisexual tendencies which he vehemently denied. I hadn’t thought about his abuse being connected to that but maybe it was. I know that certain Cluster B personalities (which I think my ex was) use sex as a weapon and don’t have a regular sexuality because they don’t bond emotionally with people, so they use sex to manipulate both genders in order to get what they want.

My ex used to have these odd stories he’d tell me about some mysterious ‘male friends’ who I never met. He told me at least 2-3 times that apparently these ‘friends’ had been sexual with eachother in some semi-public place and my ex smirked because he said they were both ‘straight’ and in relationships and their girlfriends didn’t know about these secret sexual liaisons. He would look at my face intently when he said to it gauge my reaction. I wasn’t bothered by it, I just thought it was odd so I think he told me several times hoping for a more horrified reaction from me or something. I am now almost certain it was him with one of these ‘friends’ and the smirk was duper’s delight, knowing he was being sexual with other men behind my back and I didn’t realise. I might be crazy but it’s a hunch. And I’ve never thought this about any of the other men I’ve dated, just this one, because of all these weird stories and odd behaviour.

He also had some seemingly mundane story about how some guy recommended a product to my ex but for a man to recommend a certain product it always struck me how the two men must have been naked together. I assumed it was after playing a sport in a changing room but now I think it was some kind of sexual meet up.

My ex also used to make ‘jokes’ about ‘dogging’ a few times. Did any of yours do that? I have no proof he did this but I fear he did. There was also a prostitute that stood not far from his road who I pointed out once because it was weird seeing a prostitute in this area but he got kind of mad with me and denied ever seeing her like she didn’t exist. Now I am sure he was ‘using her services’ because otherwise why would he be so mad about me pointing her out?!

I also agree I think it’s partly because they watch porn which is basically sexual abuse on camera. It normalises violent, misogynistic sex.

My ex used to say it was ‘my job’ if I wanted to have an orgasm, he wasn’t bothered about that at all and even boasted how he’d made all these other women orgasm before me presumably because he was so amazing in bed. Yuck. By the end it was almost as if all he wanted was genital to genital contact for his own gratification, after which he’d immediately jump up and suggest we get food. It was the opposite of affectionate. I felt so confused at such coldness after he’d been so seductive when we first met. He also went from saying how pretty and perfect I was to scrunching his nose up at me when I was naked and implying I looked better with clothes on, which has left me with such a complex about my body. When a man asked me out after I left my ex I felt confused because my ex had made me feel so fat, old and ugly!

One of the worst things I went through was having to go to the hospital and have every test under the sun because I realised he may well have been going dogging, sleeping with prostitutes and with men behind my back. What a total nightmare. Luckily all my tests were clean. What a huge relief. If any of you haven’t been tested yet I definitely recommend it because certain diseases if caught early are very treatable but cause problems if left untreated.

Gosh every day I am so thankful to have got this monster out of my life!!! 😀

[EbonyRaven]

Jessica, that’s something that has occurred to me so many times. My oh is one of those that protests too much, you know, is so incredibly homophobic that it just causes you to suspect there are thoughts of it in there he won’t deal with.
In contrast to many he is mostly against porn. Says it is disgusting and does nothing for him, and that he can’t understand it at all. I wonder now, if that is anything to do with repressed homosexual feeling, that if porn featuring women doesn’t do anything for him, that threatens his inner thoughts of himself as a VERY straight man.

Yet, I did find evidence that he’d been watching porn when he had a PC. At which point he said it was because I wouldn’t have sex with him, so he had to. (Not true btw). I think he may have engineered that, as he hasn’t watched any since.

I’m of the opinion that he worried I’d compare him to what happened in the porn, and find him wanting.

When I first met him, he seemed to be quite open and liberated, however once I’d committed, the real person stepped out of the shadows. All the hate and vitriol spilled over. Any mention of bi-sexuality, homosexuality etc. would get a full angry tirade. He generalises a lot: All ‘gay’ people are stupid and such.

The fact that I’d experimented with my sexual identity in my youth alternately was also something to beat me up with (figuratively), or was fascinating.

I agree, very interesting discussion.

[Popilol]

My ex joked about dogging, quite often actually. He was quite sexually useless and couldn’t even get it up when he’d been drinking (which was pretty much daily by the end). I don’t think he was sexually active with anyone else as he was pretty anxious about sex other than with me.
He told me a story about how a male friend had raped him once. I can’t think of any of his friends that would do that. I know he has 2 good friends that left to study in different towns. I thought it odd that he spoke about them so highly and said how great their friendship was, yet he hadn’t spoken to them in years. He said they’d moved on and their friendship is in the past. I have lots of old school friends that I keep in touch with, decades later. If it was one of them that raped him, why did he speak so highly of them? It never made sense. He has zero friends. Not one! He had nothing to do with his family and made no effort to see them. Now we’ve split they are his lifeline and support him with his lies.

[Popilol]

Ebony raven, I consider myself bisexual and his mum is now gay. He was disgusted by it all.
All of my female friends that I had close relationships with, were sl*gs and his mum was a dirty lesbian. He would never say that to her face and he would absolutely deny saying it, but he would say it regularly.

[Confused-and-alone]

This seems really common with these men – my husband definitely uses sex to control me. After the birth of our first child he started demanding sex and if I said no he would physically push me out of bed and make me sleep on the sofa – I soon learnt it was quicker and easier to give in than to have the fight. He has also been aggressive at times holding my wrists when I try to push him off or pushing my head down etc. Withholding affection is also something he does – he won’t speak to me over an argument but will then start trying it on and then afterwards generally just flops down on the bed and goes straight to sleep without even looking at me – leaves me feeling used and like others have said like a sex doll. He seems to think this is totally normal behaviour but every time it happens I feel like I’ve lost a little more of myself.

[Popilol]

I don’t think my ex knows what love is, or how to love. He was loving when we first met, but I am sure that was just an act, to reel me in. The last year or so of the relationship he never showed me any love at all really. No kissing or cuddling, stopped saying I love you and just no affection of any kind. It was like he felt that he didn’t need to anymore as he already ‘had’ me. Stupidly, I made up for this by constantly telling him I loved him and what he meant to me. I was always aware of his feelings and never wanted him to feel c****y about himself. He never cared about me feeling c****y, in fact he wanted me to feel low about myself I’m sure.
Wow! I was going to marry this guy! What a wake up call!!!

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Yep dogging was always brought up. Ok I do have a high sex drive and it turnt me a little bit I don’t think I would ever go through with it. I like sex to be passionate and loving. When he used to do drugs he would seriously talk about it but I always said no. Later after we broke I found out he was meeting escorts and paying for sex. Again a clear sign of sexual abuse. It’s not about the sex with these men it’s about the control and obviously the release of their sexual needs but mainly control. It got to point where I was faking my orgasms just to please him. I even confused my own sexuality because I was watching girl on girl porn myself and they were so passionate with each other and I was more turned on by them then him. Since we have split I have not watched porn once

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

But yes popilol I have always answered no to sexual abuse but in reality I have experienced it. When people say sexual abuse u imagine the most extreme but it’s on such a bigger scale. I’m teaching my children from a young age about abuse and red flags because it needs to be taught.

[Popilol]

That’s the thing… I have a high sex drive, I love sex, well I did anyway. That’s what makes us think that it wasn’t abuse, when it was. I actually enjoyed some of the controlling behaviour. I hated the strangling but he thought I liked it. It didn’t matter how many times I said I didn’t like it. The problem was that there was never any loving sex, it was always controlling sex after the usual honeymoon period.
It made me question if it was abuse because I liked some of it, plus he kept telling me I liked it. If my mind hated it, my body said otherwise.
It’s only now that I am out of it that I can see it for what it was.

[itwillbeokay]

I’ve never thought there was anything too strange or concerning apart from we literally didn’t have sex in the final months. I tried, because I ,issued the intimacy and felt we were becoming more and more distant but I also struggled to want to have sex with someone who was more and more frequently being abusive in lots of ways towards me. But still I brought it up and tried and he just didn’t go for it. I just put it down to him being low about being unemployed for so long. Maybe it was more withholding that I just didn’t recognise. He withheld affection, information, thoughts, feelings, emotions, whereabouts, I guess he could have been withholding sex as well. I often wondered how he was managing without it it went on so long. He wasn’t cheating so I wondered about porn. I’ll never know.

[maddog]

We bought The Joy of Sex together. I couldn’t work it out as sex with my ex was so joyless. It was never something we did together. On reflection, if I initiated anything I didn’t want to go further as I knew what would happen. He didn’t force me into it if I initiated affection. It always had to be on his terms and he always had to be doing the doing. I learned well how to pretend. I used to pretend he was someone I liked. He tried to involve my friends in the early days. Yuck.

The whole sex toy thing was a farce and not for me. It was so he could have tools for his own pleasure. Really weird.

He would place parts of me on parts of him. He thought he was showing affection by poking and prodding me where the sun don’t shine to wake me up. It’s a horrible way to wake up. He took absolutely no notice when I said I didn’t like it.

He asked me what I enjoyed sexually and I was a bit stumped. He told me that he would enjoy watching me masterbate. It never happened and I felt quite ashamed about it.

[diymum@1]

Hi all, I’m starting to feel lots of men think with their penis rather their heads! If only they realised that treating a woman with respect and just being loving is the biggest turn on there is. I’ve only had a few relationships and all of them watched porn. I honestly just thought that was a given. When you see what they’re looking at some of it looks impossible! My ex was watching triple penetration,the woman did not look like she was enjoying that one bit! When I commented and said she looked in pain he dismissed me saying don’t be boring! Yeh ok.

These men don’t have realistic expectations of ‘good sex’probably due to porn, their inability to feel love and also seeing women being repeatedly degraded, it becomes acceptable to them. B****y men and their Willies xx

[Popilol]

I will be ok… I could have written that! Literally my last few months with my ex! Very odd. Wish I’d seen the signs. He wouldn’t talk to me though, never told me what he felt or thought. He only wanted a deep conversation when he was drunk but he’d be slurring and I knew whatever I said would be the wrong thing and it would end up in a row.

[Popilol]

I also could never understand the fascination with porn. It’s horrid to watch. It always looks like the women are being raped as they never really look like they enjoy it. The men always look like they are having a good time though. It is so degrading to women. It’s no wonder men have twisted ideas about what women want.

[clementine]

I’ve been thinking about this lately too, now that I’m trying to leave and the answer is a massive YES!

To start with, when we got together my pill had run out and we were using condoms, except he’d constantly be telling me how much he hated them and had never had to use them. Sometimes he’d push in without a condom saying he just couldn’t get enough of me (and I was young and naive so I believed that!)

Needless to say I ended up pregnant.

Fast forward a few years and 3 kids later and I’d made the decision that I no longer wanted to take my birth control as I didn’t like the side effects. He’d agreed to have a vasectomy as we were happy with three kids. But he kept putting it off and again we were using condoms. Twice the condom split and I had two rounds of emergency contraception.

He kept getting angry at me for not wanting sex because I was so worried about falling pregnant, split condoms etc.

On (detail removed by Moderator) we’d had a massive argument and to ‘make up’ he wanted sex. I told him no so many times but he kept on giving me a massage and trying to convince me. I still said no, but he pushed inside me without a condom on anyway. I was laying ther face down in the pillow in tears.

I ended up pregnant and terminated the pregnancy. And he for the life of him couldn’t work out how it had happened.

(detail removed by Moderator) later, when I was still bleeding slightly, he was pestering for sex and I kept saying no – so he started screaming at me that I have serious sexual problems, I’m a frigid b****, etc.

He’s always been quite rough. Tells me every single time…. every single time….. how he wants to tie me up, wants to see me with another man, tells me he wants back door sex. He chokes me, spreads me, etc. There’s no respect there.

I knew how many times I could say no before he would kick off about how I’m no good as a wife because I won’t give him the one thing he enjoys, how I never give bj’s – because when we did have sex I just let him do it – I could t face doing anything to him. I’m frigid. I have serious issues with my confidence. I don’t want to get help for it.

I used to have a box of sex toys u til he started accusing me of using them without him (like I’d have time as a sahm) and he was convinced I must be using them all the time because I didn’t want him. He was so angry that I picked up the box and just threw it in the wheelie bin. He later fished it out and tried some vague apology that largely centred on blaming me for not wanting him so how was that meant to make him feel. I put them straight back in the bin and have never bought one since. So tired of being accused of them being better than him, bringing me to orgasm etc.

I have no sexual confidence now. If a man even flirts with me when I get petrol I panic. Even though it’s completely innocent.

[Iwantmeback]

How is it when we say no they just keep on and on and on. I mean how is rubbing themselves against you or grabbing you’re boobs or pushing down on your pubic area supposed to turn you on. It’s aggressive and its uncomfortable at best, b****y sore otherwise. Why did they push for the sex toys then feel so intimidated by them once you get them. They definately get an inferiority complex towards them. The amount of times I’ve told my husband no darling i much prefer the real thing. Which tbh i did, pushing and turning a bit of latex inside you is not sexy,and is quite detached. My husband calls me vivid now to, selfish, cos he’s got needs you see. He just loves being inside me, not he loves me and wants to make love. Though he’ll use those words, when the horrible ones rile me. As if after saying how much he wants to bang the a..e of me, f..k me till I’m done, is going to be allowed of he says, make love instead. 🤣🤣🤣
They really are such immature little boys, who’ve learned what sex is just not love.
IWMB 💕💕

[Popilol]

I have thought about the sex/love issue a lot since the split. I honestly don’t think my ex knows how to love, or what love is. He would say he loved his parents, but he never saw them and never had anything nice to say about them. At the start of the relationship he constantly told me he loved me. Before the end he never said it. I meant nothing to him other than sex, someone to abuse and put a roof over his head.he is so wrapped up in himself and what he wants that he can’t for one minute think about someone else.
This was so apparent in sex. He never thought about me being satisfied or whether I enjoyed what he done. He wanted bj’s but wouldn’t let me enjoy giving them as my head was pushed and hair was pulled, so even something that should be gentle and sensual was turned into some sort of dirty sex game.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Popilol, I hate being forced into doing a bj, pushed down towards it, or head and hair gripped and moved fir you, that’s not loving, it’s scary. He always wanted me to gag, he’d seen videos of it and it must have turned him on cos he still goes on about it even now, but to do it right id to be lying down upside down, no thank you. He did/ does say he likes going down on me, but because he’s went on and on about how I smell now, I’m post menopausal, I won’t let him, plus it was never that enjoyable, involved biting too, why would anyone think biting is a turn on down there?? He would say he liked me to be satisfied, then next day go on about how he came and wasn’t that bothered if i didn’t, that was my fault not his responsibility(missed signals still) so one minute hes caring and loving making out he’s this amazing lover, the next hes aloof and selfish, thankfully it doesn’t bother me now, not in the way it used to, it’s just interesting. I’m becoming more and more detached, so I’m viewing life with him quite clinically at times. Unless he really hits my buttons, then I’m like a screaming banshibh(banshee)
IWMB 💕💕

[Popilol]

It’s that whole saying one thing and actions saying another. I misscarried, he was so happy I was pregnant apparently, but then came to 1 scan and missed the next 5. Didn’t come to any of the appointments but kept telling me how concerned he was and how much he cared. The worst time ever and i was on my own. Luckily I had friends to go with me by they couldn’t understand why he didn’t go. Then he just kept telling I was pushing him away and I didn’t want him to go. I had been pushing for him to come but he always had an excuse, work wouldn’t let him, although he never told them and didn’t ask. It’s so confusing, you want to believe what they are saying but they are so cold and uncaring, so inconsiderate. I am so thankful that I lost his baby now, harsh as that sounds. I was devistated at the time. Everything happens for a reason and I can’t imagine having a young baby and that tie to him now.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Popilol, first I’m so sorry you miscarried and had only friends to go through it with. I too miscarried his baby, decades ago now, but I thank God every day that I did, I see how my two children have turned out, I know they’d have been put on the back burner, made to feel less, because he had his baby with me, and we all know how baby brain works and I’d probably have not been aware of what was happening to them under my nose. I’d like to think he’d have been there fir me, I was still with me ex at the time so he couldn’t be there as such fir me, but now I’m not so sure.
He always uses work as an excuse not to take holiday’s during the year, yet other people get holidays. My sister is due over from abroad later in the year. He’ll need to take time off so I can see her, we have 3 dogs, so they can’t be locked in their hut from early doors til he comes in from work, they’d drive the neighbours crazy for a start. I’ll let him know soon where we’re meeting, it’ll involve either 1 or 2 nights stay over. It is going to be a deal breaker if he doesn’t let me go, if I’ve not already left before them. Here’s to the future🥂
IWMB 💕💕

[Popilol]

I would have been the same IWMB. I know he would have treated his baby very differently to my children. We had such different ideas of parenting. His is military style and mine is open and loving. My children hated him. My eldest moved out and he done his absolute best to push my middle child away from me. My youngest hasn’t uttered his name once since he’s been gone, after years of him playing the father role. It so much clearer now he’s gone. I’m sure I wouldn’t have seen what he was doing if I were still with him.

[Author]

Posts