sex so rarely involved both of us (communication)

[maddog]

Since the beginning, my husband has been weird with sex. At the beginning I felt sorry for him and thought it would change. I am having horrible flashbacks of him pushing at me with his penis. No foreplay, no warning. Just that. He thought it was a way to turn me on. He would poke around in my vagina with his fingers then sometimes start poking around with his penis.
He told me he’d like to watch me masterbate. I never did in front of him. When he asked me what I liked, I was stumped. I wanted to feel wanted, I wanted to feel turned on. I did not like having sex done at me, feeling like a limbless, headless sex toy, feeling like an unpaid prostitute. Feeling the total lack of intimacy and any form of communication.

We had years and months of no sex. We had terrible rows about it, and of course I was the one in the wrong. He once told me how c**p I was in bed.

I have laid in bed next to him while he has finished himself off, really not knowing what the hell to do, feeling trapped. Were I to get up and leave, say anything, I feared he would take it as rejection and become angry.

[KIP.]

I doubt communication was the problem. I too had rows with my ex. He would call me frigid because I didn’t want to have sex with a man who raped me. I communicated clearly I wasn’t in the mood but it didn’t stop him from keeping me up for hours on end depriving me of sleep until I relented. Then he couldn’t even perform. I just look at the sex side as just another form of abuse. Like cheating or stealing money or hurting my dog. Don’t try to figure them out. They just don’t think or act like decent human beings.

[maddog]

I don’t know if he raped me. He never pinned me down or anything. Consent was a problem. He felt entitled and used to boast about how wonderful he was. I felt so often in an impossible situation. I remember being pregnant with my second child and it dawned on me that not all children are born through love for one another. He treated me like an object. A thing. That feeling of his penis prodding around my vagina makes me seize up at the thought. I don’t think the police can help as I am getting divorced and don’t want to come across like a twisted old woman hoping to exact her revenge.

[maddog]

There have been so many times when I have thought, something here is really not right. He used to wake up with an erection, think he was really clever and start poking me around with it to wake me up. No words, no nothing apart from his penis. He told me it was his way of showing affection and although I hated it, I wanted to believe him. I loved him and thought he loved me, and this was just one of his little quirks. I told him years ago not to poke me around when I was asleep. Needless to say nothing changed. In the end, I pretended he was someone I liked.

The final time he did this, I told him I didn’t like being groped and he was furious. He knows no other way.

When we first met, he said he preferred me to sleep naked, so I obliged. I had never before and have never since slept without nightclothes. I guess I didn’t dare wear pyjamas or he’d wonder why.

What fool am I?

[Clueless]

I am still confused with this part of my marriage, I have now seen all the abusive behaviours but the sex issues still bother me. I cannot make sense if what and how he treated me during sex is right. He never wanted to give me pleasure. Tended to opt for a masturbation over sex or just together times. But during this and sex when we had it, the names he called me were just vile like my dirty naughty wife. I hated it but never spoke out but my mind was screaming out loud. He always used sex talk about me having a three some. He signed us up to swinging sites, he wanted to find a guy to have sex with me either whilst he was watching or on my own then for me to come back and tell him all about it. He wrote messages to guys and couples on my behalf to get communication going. Stupidly I kinda just went along with it. Keeping him happy. Why I never spoke out is beyond me I wish I did because we started to meet up with a couple and the final straw was when he left me with the male and he went to a hotel room to have sex with the female. He left me vulnerable in a state of going out of my mind what he was doing with her. I threw up. So angry, hurt and betrayed. This was never talked about. Him having sex with another female and certainly not to leave me on my own. He completely got off on it. Even when I was being sick and upset. He wanted to carry on with vile talk about it. I’m feeling physically sick as I write this. The worse thing is he didn’t want to talk about it my feelings in all this. He ‘treated ‘ me to a spa day to say sorry.
I never went ahead with meeting up with guys but I had contact with someone that he wanted me to but as soon as he wasn’t in the mood or didn’t suit him I was given the silent treatment for even messaging someone. ( that he told me to do ) this happened (Detail removed by Moderator) and it was certainly the point where I started to question what on earth is going on here. I became ill stressed and my mind was going crazy! I’m still here now but have my plan in the back ground of getting out. I’ve needed and still am having therapy because on top of this with the emotional, financial and psychological abuse I was/am suffering but I’m determined to get out and become me again.
Sorry such a long rant but I really felt I needed to let it out.
X*x

[maddog]

That sounds gruesome, Clueless. I hope you are getting specialist counselling to help you through this. Rape Crisis is brilliant.

It is such a betrayal. My ex is passive aggressive with bells on.

I absolutely recognise the Silent Treatment. The sulks, the grumpiness, the entitlement…

It takes a sea change to get out. I’m still not there, but at least hopefully on the way.

[Author]

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