Sexual abuse

[BettyBoo333]

I can get over the gaslighting, and emotional abuse. I can process that and will move on, but the sexual abuse. He never physically held me down, but he bullied and coerced me, and punished me if I said no. I would lay there like a dead shell whilst he continued. I constantly felt repulsed.

After a while, he wouldn’t accept that and he wanted me to ‘love him’ and ‘enjoy it’, I had to have the lights off all the time and pretend he was someone else to get through it.

I’m struggling to come to terms with it especially as when it was happening I knew on some level it was wrong as my body was telling me it was wrong but my brainwashed head was telling me it was ok. NOw I’m coming out of this all and receiving professional help, it’s becoming so clear it was all wrong and I feel so violated and disgusted and sad.

How do I get past this? How will I ever be able to be loved again?

[fizzylem]

The female mind is a wonderful thing and very powerful. When this sort of thing happens we can take the mind to a different place in order to survive – transport. I think the way to recover is to be open and honest with yourself as you are, feel how you do, work out why this is and what needs to happen next to resolve how you feel about it – which usually comes in the form of what lessons have I learnt here. To continue to kid the self, avoid reality, runaway or not engage with how you feel doesn’t help, it kind of trips a person up. Even when the emotions are painful and uncomfortable we need to acknowledge these as this is what it is to ‘accept the self’, only when we do this can we then respond to the self, give the self what it is I need.

Self awareness, self understanding and self forgiveness is needed as these get you to the other side. Learning to ‘simply be’ however this feels at any one time is so very important because if we dont we’re in denial, delusional, not present, not able to respond to the self. Once you respond to the self and know you will always do this now you have a good chunk of the resiliance you need for life, and there’s no going back – only onwards x

[Newbeginnings1234]

I feel exactly the same way, the thought of sleeping with anyone else makes me feel sick. My Husband would also constantly ask me if I was enjoying it and if I said no he’d tell me to stop lying. Like you, it’s only now that I’ve left that I’ve realised how much it affected me. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice to offer, but I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone x

[purplepenguin]

My ex-partner was the same in some ways and towards the end of our relationship any sexual contact between us made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. He used to demand sex up to 5 times a day and if he didn’t get it, he would try his best to persuade me or rub himself up against me in bed. He had a manual job and used to smell too and not brush his teeth before bed. If I complained he tell me to “shut the f*** up” and get on top of me or shove my hand down his underwear.I hate myself for going along with it but it saved arguments.
I’m a single mum now and have been for about (detail removed by moderator) months
and my disability worsened a lot while I was with him.I
I just wonder if there’s something wrong with me because I feel like I don’t ever want sex again but i’d like to meet someone else eventually.
What does anyone think? Am I being reasonable?

[Author]

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