Sexual abuse

[sunshineLollypops]

Having a bad weekend – I’ve been triggered (detail removed by Moderator) by attending a gender reveal get together that reminded me of the baby I couldn’t have.
I’m about (detail removed by Moderator) months out of my relationship but still only really dealing with things now.
I don’t know if anyone experienced this –
Sex was only ever for his pleasure, he wouldn’t go down on me or attempt to satisfy me.
Any suggestion to try something new he call me a s**g or laugh at me. The only position was missionary he wouldn’t do anything else.
He found a toy I had hidden as I wasn’t feeling fulfilled! He showed it to our children to humiliate me , I said at the time it wasn’t appropriate to show them he just laughed and said he was bigger and better than it.
As he was being so mean about me and my body , he called me fat and said my stretch marks (from carrying his baby) was disgusting. I stopped wanting to have sex with him and he would say I must be a lesbian, Then I would say no and he would climb on top of me anyway (while our children slept next me so I couldn’t put up a fight – I didn’t want to wake them) he was very violent outside of the bedroom so I think there was always fear of more violence for not submitting.
I would turn my head and not kiss him and a few thrusts later it would all be over.
No kissing, cuddling or affection.
I ended up pregnant after one occasion and knew I couldn’t bring another child into this severely toxic environment and terminated – something that will torture me forever I think. I often think of that baby and how old it would be now. I think a part of me died with that baby that day.
I just wonder if this was all part of the control?

[sunshineLollypops]

Of course it wasn’t like that to begin with – But I’ve always been far too embarrassed to voice my needs so initially It wasn’t a dealbreaker.

[Scarecrow]

Hi Sunshinelollypops,

I am genuinely so sorry that you have had to endure this kind of behaviour.

You are right that it is sexual and emotional abuse and something that no one should have to put up with.

I am so pleased that you are free of the physical relationship, although i know from experience that the mental side of things takes a long time to be free of.

Have you had any support for all of this? I am sure that your local refuge or domestic violence charity would be able to help you – perhaps with the Freedom Programme? Or perhaps your GP could point you in the direction of some counselling?

Never doubt your strength, you did the hard part by getting away from him – now you should work on you. I am (detail removed by Moderator) years clear and i still have flashbacks and bad days so please dont think that this is a flaw in your personally, sadly it is very common.

Please keep posting, we are all here for you,

Scarecrow x

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