Sexual.abuse?

[Velveteenbun]

When we were together our relationship reached a point where i hated having sex with him. It always felt awful and wrong.
He would badger me to have sex or perform sexual acts. Constantly badger until i gave in. If i didn’t he would either get angry or sulk and go off in a mood.
He would tell me i was frigid, accuse me of doinv the things he wanted with other people, ot use the fact i had done it before either with him or with previous partners to convince me to do it again.
If he did anything nice he had to be rewarded with sex. He used to get a bottle of something to drink and some nice food on a weekend and would always make me have sex first because he said he knew i wouldn’t be in the mood afterwards.
He would even make jokes saying things like “you could at least look like you are enjoying it”.

After we split i hated sex i would do it because i felt it was obligated and that if i wanted a man to like to me or approve of me i had to have sex with him. It was expected of me and if i wanted a man to be nice to me i had to give him what he wanted.
I have been with my new boyfriend for a while now and we have very regular sex which i for the first time since before my ex i enjoy and instigate. Last week with everything going on we didn’t have sex (usually we can’t keep our hands off each other) but he didn’t even try to do anything. I said on the thursday when we parted that i would try and be a better girlfriend on the friday, i That i hadn’t been a very good one that week. What i meant was i hadn’t fufilled my obligation. He ignored the comment gave me a kiss and a cuddle. On the friday i had this panic almost building because i wasn’t in the mood and knew i needed to have sex with.
I felt awful all day worrying about it. Luckily in the afternoon i did start thinking i could do it so suggested we go get into bed. We had amazing sex and actually it left me feeling wonderful and destressed and happy for the first time that week.
The thing is my new partner isn’t my ex, he isn’t abusive he has said a million times he is more than happy to cuddle if i don’t want sex he just wants to spend time with me and to make me happy.
What the hell is wrong with me that i still feel an obligation to have sex and like i am going to lose favour if i don’t.
My ex always wanted to kiss me and i hated that more than anything. It is something i still dislike. Whilst having sex with my new partner the other week he started to kiss me, i froze in that i responded like i would have done with my ex but just going along with it. My mind was relieving being with my ex. It was honestly like i was having sex with my ex, i felt angry and confused afterwards and like i didn’t want to be with him anymore because he felt like my ex. I am glad that feeling went away but i think i was distant with him.
My new boyfriend is amazing he is so unlike my ex and he doesn’t know i don’t like kissing i haven’t told him Any of this he had no idea how kissing me made me feel.
I hate this, i hate that so much of what he did effects my life. I am only starting to realise this.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Velvet, there is a thread on this forum called ‘can anybody give any examples of sexual abuse’which you might find helpful. It might not be called exactly that but very similar. My ex withheld initiating sex (this was after hooking me into the relationship with out of this world sex). It made him feel powerful, me wanting him. He would lie back hands behind head like king of the castle and me little servant waiting for me to initiate it. He was in his element laying there like a royal king. He uses sex as a form of power & control.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

CAnt really guide u as i’m not with a partner yet, but i know a lot of inc myself had not the best sexual experience with our ex, i can only think in time we learn to change our habbits, i know when i was with ex at beginning used to love expressing myself sexualo but then when abuse increases u end up hating sex and in end i used to actually refuse to kiss him as sex was just based on his terms and satisfying his needs, sounds like u have got a really good guy this time, i ccan only suggest speak with cousnellor about the sexual aspect

[SaharaD]

Hi Velveteenbun

Yes it is sexual abuse what you ex did. I agree with Confused about speaking to a sexual abuse counsellor.

Sex is when we are at our most intimate and vulnerable. In addition to this, there is an societal pressure that sex should always be good or great and there always has to be an orgasm.

I’m not a sex expert but I think kissing is ok during intercourse. However if it represents something horrible to you, you are probably going to have to discuss it with your new partner.

I’m not in a relationship but I’ve had a few lovers since living on my own. It was terrifying to start with because I didn’t know how I would react and also if I could even remember what to do! But luckily these men have been very kind and gentle and took things slow to allow me to open up sexually again. I never had too many problems with sex, I enjoy it and I’ve had enough partners to know what to do and what they should be doing. Lol! oh dear.

I don’t compare anyone to my abuser in bed but then the sexual abuse was very subtle and he couldn’t really make me do anything I didn’t want to. I never felt awful or relieved after sex with my abuser so it didn’t have a massive negative psycho-sexual impact on me.

Apart from counselling maybe you might want to read some books on sex. The one that has been around ages is the Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort.

There is also organizations for adult sex abuse survivors. http://www.sosaa.org.uk/

Most importantly you have a right to say no to anything anyone wants done to your body. Because it’s your body. Nobody else has a right to your body and they should expect and obligation from you regarding your body.

[Hopesprings]

I was just thinking similar things tonight about my ex. I used to love sex, enjoy expressing myself sexually but the more the relationship wore me down the more I began to hate it. I used to cry after we had sex, :sometimes during. I despised the way it made me feel. In the early ish days he would withhold sex as “punishment” but then I grew to hate having sex with him so he would argue with me about it all the time and accuse me of cheating. 🙄🙄

I haven’t had sex with anyone since, and there’s a part of me that wants to and a prt of me that doesn’t.

It sounds to me like you have a great understanding guy, and that you’re beginning to enjoy your sex life again so don’t overthink and have fun with it. The good thing is you have someone who isn’t going to make you feel bad for not being in the mood or not enjoying certain things. In time you may begin to enjoy kissing again.

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