Sexual abuse

[Confused-and-alone]

I have come to realise lately that my husband is emotionally and sexually abusive. I posted on here recently about an incident where I felt forced into quite aggressive sex. This was an escalation in behaviour from him and I thought it was possibly due to him sensing that I’ve been thinking about leaving.

Well as predicted it has happened again. I have tried to avoid sex as much as possible but when he decides that he really wants it I don’t seem to be able to stop him. Although this time was not as bad as last time he still carried on with what he was doing when I said he was hurting me. It almost feels like he can only enjoy it when it’s a bit aggressive. I spent most of it with my face buried in a cushion trying not to cry and waiting for it to be over.

I am planning to leave soon but I don’t know how much more I can take – we are (detail removed by moderator) and I’m trying to get everything in order before I go. I’d also like to wait till the school holidays if I can as I think this will be an easier time for my daughter to have to move house and change school as we will be (detail removed by moderator). I just don’t know how much longer I can cope.

I don’t know how my life reached this point. I’m sat up alone in the middle of the night hurting and writing on a domestic abuse forum. How did it all go so wrong?!

[freedomtochoose]

I’m so sorry about this hon. Big hugs.
Re: the timing. Depending on how old your child is, leaving soon would mean that you would be safe and there would be time to adjust to applying for new school (I have this experience) e.t.c
Remember essential documents – and also what everyone would say on here, unfortunately it can get worse which is an argument for leaving sooner rather than later. Don’t mean to scare you, but stay safe.
all best
ftc
x

[maddog]

I have thought that I was at least reasonably safe in my marriage apart from the very serious rows. Me in the wrong needless to say. Now I am wondering if I am not married to a rapist. I can’t answer that at the moment. It’s a big word.

Can you keep some belongings somewhere safe, so should you have to leave in a hurry, they’re already out of the way? I don’t think there is a perfect time to leave. Make sure all the relevant agencies know of your plans so they can step in to help you.

[iwillbeok]

Oh hon my heart goes out to you! I too was sexually coerced and raped by my ex-husband. It is one of the most confusing, harrowing things to go through! I took a long time to be able to label it as such. At the time I made excuses – I had made mistakes, he was stressed and this would all blow over. How wrong I was – it escalated and despite him saying he drew the line at rape – he already had! I found counselling invaluable and have come so far in my healing from this toxic noxious slow-burning abuse over decades. Please reach out to rape crisis, WA and keep posting on here.

Sending you all strength,

iwillbeok

[maddog]

My husband used to become very defensive with any mention of rape. He would say of course he wouldn’t do anything like that. By then he had crossed the line so many times. I am getting counselling from Rape Crisis. It’s annoying because this was sorted out through the historic rape, not through current circumstances. Perhaps I just didn’t know what to say or how to articulate my husband’s behaviour when I was interviewed about him. I will ask about it soon and whether to go back to the police.

[Confused-and-alone]

I have tried to tell him that he’s hurt me and he just seems to think it’s all a big joke and that I like it – I can’t work out if he actually thinks this or he just doesn’t care that I’m hurt. I don’t feel able to label this as rape as I didn’t physically fight – I said no and tried to push him away but he’s bigger and stronger than I am so I couldn’t stop him and after that I didn’t fight as there didn’t seem much point. I just told him it was hurting but he didn’t seem at all bothered. I think I’m scared that if I really try and physically fight him then if he doesn’t stop it really will be rape – that and I know if I manage to stop him there will be an almighty row about why I don’t want sex and I obviously don’t love him.

I want to leave but am so scared about what will happen – mostly I think I’m scared that he will get upset and I’ll feel sorry for him and he’ll talk me round.

[maddog]

I know what you mean, Confused. I have looked up and looked up what rape, coercion, consent etc mean and I have been going, Nah, not me. It is slowly dawning on me that yes, it is me. It is a massive betrayal of trust. It really is a horrible thing to experience. It’s just awful dreading sex because you know what is going to happen and it will be no fun at all. I used to pretend my husband was someone I liked. If I didn’t use lubrication it would have hurt like hell. The things we do to prevent further damage.

When you don’t have the choice or the freedom to choose, it’s rape. If he is ignoring your requests, it’s rape.

It is so much harder to articulate when you are in a long term relationship. They think they can do whatever they like.

[Author]

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