Sexual abuse, is it?

[Surfergirl]

So I was speaking to my local organisation who are putting me in touch with support for sexual abuse. But I was wondering if anyone has shared any similar experiences…

My husband recently has taken to moving me around to cuddle in my sleep (I say sleep I’m conscious as I’m almost asleep and it wakes me up being yanked around) then he will move my hands onto his lap area (I’m sure you can imagine where) but of course I’m asleep so don’t do anything then I can tell he gets annoyed and rolls over… then wakes me up to tell me to move to my side of the bed.

If it is sexual abuse is it worth reporting and going down that road? I’m so fed up of him making me out to be a fool and think I’m crazy when all this time he’s been indirectly manipulating me.

[browneyedmum]

I don’t think he’s “indirectly manipulating you”. Do not soften the language to describe your experience because ultimately, its all about consent.

If its not consensual… where you describe being half-awake and having your hands placed in intimate spaces on him & being yanked into doing things… you will know in your heart, if it was consensual or not. IMHO, I’d call it as being under duress where you were half asleep, not fully within your faculties for decision making, or perhaps just ‘giving in’ in order to keep the peace.

All this gets into a grey area where, if this is how you and your partner communicate sexual urges and meeting those… it is really hard to prove: that whole his word vs yours. Where others and society tend to expect women to actively object, kick out, shout, all that– nope… there are times when we simply freeze and/or fawn (fight/flight/freeze/fawn response) and not everyone understands that fully and its largely not recognised.

Based on what you described and in IMHO, you need to talk more about your reactions and internal thoughts while he’s doing all of that, to know if he’s wronged you in that way.

[Hereforhelp]

Do you feel safe to put a boundary in place…can you tell him to not move you or to put your hand on his body? I ask as abusers do not like boundaries or the word no, if you feel you cannot have a conversation and put your needs forward… if something feels wrong In your relationship, abusive or not (the fact you are on this forum I would guess more is going on).

Nobody has has a right to help themselves to your body without your permission. Nobody has a right to make you feel bad for saying no to access to your body.

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Surfergirl]

When I’m half asleep I keep still, I feel like I need to prove a point that I am asleep or that if he notices that I am aware of what he’s doing then he will get annoyed with me for not engaging in anything. He always gets annoyed and won’t even touch me if I say no, I feel like I am always trapped into saying yes and there’s only so many times I can get away with saying “not right now” before he starts to ask me if I am happy in our relationship, why I don’t find him attractive anymore. There’s been times where I did use to speak and say I just wasn’t in the mood at that time but that isn’t a good enough ‘reason’ and any time I have voiced problems in our relationship he’s shrugged it off and won’t discuss or change if it’s something he’s done (very confusing when he’s always asking what he’s done wrong) long story short you can’t win with him, he has to always be right (even about lies he’s told people about me)

[Hereforhelp]

We are trained to give excuses as to why we do not want sex when a simple no is an entire reason… I used to say I was on my period, sick or whatever I could think of… one day (I was married a very long time), after I had learned more about SA/DA I simply said no (his hands were roaming over my body from behind at this time) .. he looked so shocked that I said no and accused me of ‘not loving him’ ‘that I made him feel unattractive to me’… a lot of other emotionally manipulative tactics to try and make me feel sorry for him enough to give him what he wanted.

I agree… you cannot win with these men and putting boundaries in place is so difficult as they really do not accept boundaries.
Xx

[Surfergirl]

This is very similar to what I’ve been experiencing our whole relationship… if I say I don’t want to (cause I’m tired, ill, just not the mood etc) that’s not a good enough reason. If I say no it’s because I don’t find him attractive or I don’t love him anymore. It’s like I’m not allowed to be tired (of course if I am in general he’s 10x more tired than I am) He won’t even touch me in general if I’m on my period, not even a hug! Apparently he can’t just cuddle with me because he gets too excited so he’ll only touch me if it leads to sex. Then after that there’s no closeness. All this time I’ve just let my body be used by him

[maddog]

My ex husband used to do the same. He’s using you as a masterbatory tool. It’s horrible. Def sexual assault. You’re not in a position to consent.

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