4th May 2016 at 8:56 pm #16359
I know I’ve been in a DV relationship but what I’m confused about is the sexual side of it.
There were a number of times when he went on and on at me to have sex with him until I finally gave in because if I didn’t he would have got really angry.
Then more recently he smacked me round the face (his style is usually more mental than physical so this was a big deal) and less than (detail removed by moderator)weeks later it was our anniversary, it was clear he expected sex and I was just trying to get on and keep my head down so I didn’t even try and say no just agreed to it. I hated every second of it, it was awful.
But what I don’t know is if he did anything wrong? I consented and the law says it’s only assault if I didn’t consent or he couldn’t have reasonably believed I did. I feel maybe in the first instances where he’d been on and on at me that he could have known that I didn’t freely consent. So would that be rape? But on our anniversary he wasn’t to know, or was he? I don’t know, so was that one just all my fault?
And the police are coming to take statements about a couple of assaults and his coercive control. Do I mention this? I can’t clearly remember any of the times when he pressured me in to sex, they all seem to blur in to one and I couldn’t give a date or example of what he even said but I know it happened.
My ex is trying to portray me as crazy to the courts so I feel like if mentioning any of this could end up with his solicitor saying ‘she tried to report him for rape but they told her there was no evidence’ etc that it would/could work against me.
4th May 2016 at 9:55 pm #16372deepblueeyesParticipant
I think you have to be very strong and able to answer a lot of questions if your going to tell the police about possible sexual abuse. I’m thinking it very difficult to prove as you were in a relationship with him. It is very wrong for these men to do these things to us, they see it as nothing or their ‘rights’. I went through the same thing with my ex, e every time I stood up to him or left him he always sexually assaulted me. But I could never gain the strength to report it.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t but think carefully what it would mean for you. Think about yourself.
4th May 2016 at 10:04 pm #16375
I’ve had to report a sexual assault and attempted rape before (different person) and went through it all, court etc. So I know what to expect in that respect, its just I don’t even know if my ex did anything wrong? That’s what I can’t get clear in my head
5th May 2016 at 1:17 pm #16409AyannaParticipant
This comes under coercion. Many of has had similar experiences. The abuser shouts and nags until we give in. But actually we do not want to do it. Coercion is a crime now.
You should tell the police. It helps to build the picture about him. If you stick to what you say nobody will say that you are crazy. Let him talk… My ex abuser said that I had paranoia.
5th May 2016 at 5:01 pm #16424KIP.Participant
Hi there, I read somewhere that in rape cases in future the perp has to say how consent was freely given. In your case it was not. Imagine it was the first time having sex with a new partner? How would you feel about it? It’s upto you but I would definitely mention it. It’s very very common for abusers to extend their abuse to the bedroom. The police will not be surprised in the least. My abuse was sexual, financial, mental, physical. Once they get away with it there’s no holding them back.
7th May 2016 at 1:59 am #16587StarmoonParticipant
I echo what the other lovely ladies have said and agree with Ayanna that its coercion. I didn’t believe for a second that I was being sexually abused but after reading up about it- I was. Coercive abuse is definitely what this is. Just read up as much as you can on everything and summon up as much self beliefe as you can possible find. If you can believe in what you’re saying then that’s nearly all of the battle won. My ex again is saying I’m mentally unstable… He uses the fact that I involved a solicitor as grounds that I’m unstable. They can say all sorts… But you were abused and I think you should tell the police, even if you can’t confidently say it’s rape (though I believe it effectively is)- you still felt intimidated and scared of his reaction if you didn’t comply with him. Xxxx
7th May 2016 at 3:22 pm #16632
Thanks all, spent ages on the phone to the police last night going through it all. He also used to do this thing where he would rub himself sexually on me and I would always tell him to stop or that I hated it and he would just laugh at me and tell me I liked it really. This would happen frequently and I really hated it. So that, the times I felt I couldn’t say no, when he hit me and (removed by moderator) years of coercive control got told and PO are coming to get a full statement.
The police I’ve dealt with have been so supportive, really helpful and encouraging of me going for the coercive control thing as they think it’s a great bit of legislation etc etc. Overall really positive.
13th May 2016 at 4:31 pm #17196HerindoorsParticipant
Hi Courage. So glad the police are being supportive.
I agree – coercive control. My ex did it to me. If i refused sex I knew it meant that he would keep me up all night shouting at me until at least 4-5am. Then I would have to got to work (of course he didn’t work so no problem for him) So I often had sex with him when I didn’t want to. Not only that but I made the right noises, because not doing that would have the same consequences. I hated the fact that I made the right noises almost more than the actual sex 🙁
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