Sexual coercion in relationship

[Whatarollercoaster]

I couldn’t understand at first what was happening. I just knew something wasn’t right. We started having some problems when it came to intimacy. But looking back and seeing what is going on now I’m feeling quite confident that this is coercive what he is doing to me.
In general he is deciding how much and how often we do it, yes he will understand that I might have an off day but it will always cost me a favour. Another word I should offer something else for him loosing on sex.
He asks me to do something I feel uncomfortable with,I’m not confident and I have told him this in the past. I said (detail removed by moderator), it stopped being something I enjoy but became a thing I was dreading because of constant disappointment he would show. At first he would get angry and when I argued he would step back but its still there and instead of telling me (detail removed by moderator), I need to drop being so angry and just keep trying, I need to stop feeling like a victim, I’m hypersensitive to his criticism and these are just my feelings in my head.
Last time after hours of trying and having a discussion and constant breaks I said I can’t do it. It was (detail removed by moderator), I was exhausted.
That’s what tipped it all over the edge. We were already arguing but when I said that he said (detail removed by moderator)! So I got nice little lecture (detail removed by moderator) everything what he thought about me. Called me some horrible names. But to be honest I expected it. It happened before. When I said “no” he would make me feel guilty and tell me (detail removed by moderator).
He then followed me (detail removed by moderator) and talked some more, (detail removed by moderator)
I do admit. I became cold but this is the only way I can protect my feelings because in reality I’m screaming inside… just stop!
I still feel guilty though. Just needed to share with someone out there I suppose.

[Shocknawe]

This sounds absolutely awful. I am so sorry. You shouldn’t feel guilty at all, not for a second. He’s definitely displaying cohersive dangerous control over your mind and body. I send strength and wish you good luck. You are not alone. Keep posting x

[Whatarollercoaster]

Aww.Thank you. It’s good to know people understand. I’m so glad I joined. All the best to you too shocknawe.

[Jedi warrior]

Hi you can be confident that it’s coercive behavior to make you comply and meet his needs ..I did not understand sexually coercive behaviour until I reached out for help spent a long marriage living with constant pestering pressure ..daily sexual remarks being made to feel guilty when I said no slamming doors silent treatment ..if I was tired told that (detail removed by moderator)..it was all normal for me but I felt cold inside ..would wear me down until I said OK or I just kept silent ..taken a lot of councilling to get it in my head that it was not how a healthy relationship should be
.you have done well to see that it’s not right and these men cannot understand that their behaviour is so wrong ..they only think of their needs .

[Whatarollercoaster]

Definitely true, thank you for your reply. That is the thing, you sometimes get so tired you just say OK because either he persuades you you should or because you simply don’t want an argument about it. It’s wrong

[Jedi warrior]

Things not the

[wildandfree]

Oh Whatarollercoaster

I could have written your message! That all sounded so familiar. I didn’t understand about sexual coercion. All the time I just thought there was something wrong with me, that I was wrong for not wanting to do all the things my ex wanted, or how often, or any of the other things that would make my skin crawl. I am understanding it now.

From what you have said, it is definitely sexual coercion. Do not feel guilty!! You have nothing to feel guilty about. It is abuse and control when you are at your most vulnerable. My ex used to do the whole sleep deprivation thing too (only just learning what this is). Going on and on and on late into the night. Alternating between nice, nasty and really needy. Saying to me (detail removed by moderator). This would go on night after night. 1, 2, or 3 in the morning. I was exhausted. Then it might stop for a night or two, but was still on edge so couldn’t sleep.

If you haven’t already read ‘Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men’. By Lundy Bancroft. I wish I had read it years ago. It helped me understand about sexual coercion and so much more.

Reach out for help if you can. Wishing you much strength.

[Whatarollercoaster]

Yes. Definitely same scenario, hours and hours. If I did good job in a first place we wouldn’t be here. Or if I actually tried. Just heartless. And in the end I just can’t say anything because he has to tell me how horrible I am for letting him down.I am shut down each time I try to speak out. So what’s the point. Thank you for your message, it really helps to know that someone understands and it’s not me, my feelings are definitely right.

[Footprints]

That message you wrote is exactly how i felt for so many years. I also could have written it.
It is only since i left my (detail removed by moderator) relationship out of fear in other areas that i realised gradually that the sexual coersion was one of the most frightening and dangerous parts of my marriage. I felt constantly to blame for my inadequacies as a lover. I felt i couldnt talk about it to anyone. I felt like it was my fault that he hurt me so much when we had sex. It was a constant struggle between giving in to what he wanted and knowing that i would be in pain and discomfort afterwards or not and him being angry with me. He would tell me if i didnt have sex with him then i had to do other stuff to him instead. Or i owed him favours in other ways. I felt utterly worthless and made to feel like it was my own fault and i was not fulfilling my responsibilities as his wife. It has slowly taken time to open up and talk about this and i realise just how abusive my relationship was.

[Whatarollercoaster]

Thank you. I’m so glad you could leave this situation. I was thinking if it wasn’t for that one thing it would be quite OK. But truth is it is on my mind the minute I wake up so actually it’s every day where I stress in some way because I’m worried how it’s going to go this time. And I just pat myself on back every time it goes well but I don’t see the bigger picture. We’ll, I do but I push it back.

[Scarecrow]

I am a middle aged woman and it shocks me how much women have endured over the years. I dont mean this to start a discussion but we all deserve so much more.

How many men – and us – understand consent fully? How many times have we had sex or been intimate in other ways because it would be worse for us if we didnt? Or if we didnt know that we were justified and still good partners if we were just not in the mood!

I want to wrap my arms around all of you (if you were happy for me too)

S xx

[Whatarollercoaster]

It’s a good point but also when you live with someone who only slowly starts manipulate and control you over the years, you loose that confidence and self esteem and feel purely ashamed. You loose that bigger picture. It is sad. I think reading that one quote somewhere helped me so much
IF YOU FEEL SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT IT PROBABLY ISN’T.
Trust your gut it is your mind and body telling you this isn’t right.
Sending hugs back x thank you so much

[Whatarollercoaster]

Yes. It is awful thing perpetrators use. I did few (detail removed by moderator) in the morning and had to be up in couple of hours, but he didn’t care. In his eyes it was my own fault. I do want to end this but he refuses to listen and thinks I’m just threatening to leave.

[Author]

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