1st June 2016 at 1:40 pm #18425
I should start by saying Hi. I’m (detail removed by Moderator). I have a (detail removed by Moderator) year old daughter (detail removed by Moderator) with my ex (lets call him (detail removed by Moderator)). This might be TLDR, but I guess I should say that my ex has the ability to make me feel gut wrenching guilt the whole time. No matter what I do, its never enough. He is always the victim. And although I didn’t used to think he was like this, looking back I should have spotted the signs at the beginning really but I was so excited to love him and blinded by him. Now we have a daughter and we’re tied together forever.
My ex and I split up a year ago. We have one daughter and when he left I was pregnant again (but we lost it). When he left he started a relationship a (detail removed by Moderator) later. However, in fairness our relationship was dead in the water before this point and we were making each other unhappy. He introduced our daughter to his new GF and it all went quite well, however, that relationship didn’t last. Since then he’s had a few more girlfriends but never introduced our girl to them. He often phones to tell me about his relationships and ask advice, I do not do the same. I do not feel that he has the right to know what is going on in my life all the time, even if he wants to tell me who he’s sleeping with.
We don’t always get on. He can be a slight Jekyll and Hyde character – kind, funny, caring one minute and stalkery, abusive and aggressive the next, its hard to know who will appear. When he loses his temper, he is obsessive and terrifying. He is quick to call me names (I’m a vile w***e, a c**t, a sl*g, a bad mum, a horrible disgusting person) One thing we did agree on was our daughter. I know that she is the apple of his eye and she in turn loves him very much. She is the only one of his children that he still sees and he has past behaviour for acting unreasonably after a split and I’ve had to call police a couple of times but I thought we’d got past that – its actually been smooth sailing for a bit and the relief was immense. Currently ex sees daughter (detail removed by Moderator) night to (detail removed by Moderator) night one week and (detail removed by Moderator) to (detail removed by Moderator) night the next. I have her (detail removed by Moderator) and alternate weekends and she is at nursery the rest of the time.
A year later, and I’ve met someone. He has two daughters of his own but neither him nor them have ever met or even seen our daughter yet and nor will they for a few months yet. I’ve been seeing him about (detail removed by Moderator) months but only told Ex when I thought it was actually going somewhere. However, he has been in the house a couple of times in the evening when she’s asleep in her room
The reaction has been extreme.
I’d told him about the new guy but also emphasised that Ex will always be her dad, that I wasn’t trying to replace him, that I wanted us to carry on as usual, alternate weekends etc. subsequently I had (detail removed by Moderator) picture messages of him and our daughter, one photo of his angry crying face, (detail removed by Moderator) abusive, sobbing, shouting voice messages and several text messages saying this was the last I’d ever see of him and if he killed himself that was something I’d have to carry on my shoulders for ever. He wailed constantly about me ‘taking our daughter away’, me ‘destroying her and his life’ etc etc. Then he went AWOL for a few days, leaving me not knowing if he was seeing her on (detail removed by Moderator) or not.
He phoned at the weekend and asked me if my new boyfriend had ever met our daughter. I said no, but told him the truth, that he had visited a couple of times.. He went MENTAL when he heard he had been here.
I’ve had to block him – he spent all night calling me a dirty c*t who has put c*** before my daughter, that new guy could be a filthy (detail removed by Moderator) whos waiting to abuse her, that he clearly is only going out with someone like me because I’ve got a child, that I’m a sl*g, that he wants new guys name and surname to ‘check him out’ with the police, that my care for our daughter is now to be questioned, that he is clearly the only person who has any interest in keeping her safe. He’s basically disgusted with me. He says new guy should have met him before he ever visited at mine. He texted my mum and dad on holiday to say that I had replaced him with a new dad (!!). I cannot emphasise this enough. I haven’t.
Its been going on for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) weeks now, I’m exhausted and anxious. He has a history of obsessive behaviour but I have never seen it this badly before. He says that I am using my daughter to hurt him. He says he is not going to fight for her or see her again, but is now continuing with abusive texts and I’ve turned up this morning to work to find angry emails from him too.
I know that children and separation are emotive issues. I just do not believe this is normal. Have any of you reached such extreme points and still managed to get past it? If I phone the police again they have said they will charge him with harassment regardless of whether I want them to or not. I don’t want to get him in trouble but also when he texts to insult me, I usually try and defend myself rather than ignoring him. I suggested going to a solicitor and getting access written in stone – but he says if I see a solicitor he will not see her any more, and has now changed and says yes, he wants it in writing and I need to pay for it. I have no money, everything I have from my job goes on my mortgage, bills, nursery fees and school.
He has no money and gives me no money but I don’t care about that as our daughter loves him and I’d rather he spent time with her. However, I feel like I’m fast approaching an impasse. What I want is for us to be two parents to our daughter. We don’t need to talk unless its about her. We shouldn’t be fighting or angry, we should just be dropping her off and picking her up and enjoying our respective time together. Is there anything I can do, based on the above, that will achieve this?
Sorry, probably too long to read. I just need some help. My female friends are horrified but then they haven’t been through this. I thought some of you might have a clearer perspective. Its just never ending. I can’t seem to stop feeling anxious.
Just as an example, I got this email
(detail removed by Moderator)
followed by this text (detail removed by Moderator)
(detail removed by Moderator)
1st June 2016 at 2:09 pm #18428
Mine says he only talks highly of me too and defends me. But it is a front to make others think he is the victim and that I take advantage or am crazy It’s actually the other way round.
Insist on no contact where possible. Read Kim Seead how to do no contact like a boss. There are sections. On modified contact where child contact required. He won’t like it tho so be ready to stick to your guns
1st June 2016 at 2:15 pm #18429
I advise very strongly you Get advice before you introduce your new partner to protect you against false accusations in the future but to make sure your daughter is protected too from abuse of any kind. Nspcc can advise
1st June 2016 at 2:18 pm #18430
Sorry nspcc advice for protecting daughter especially when people know you are going to expect and reject accusations from ex. you may need other specialist advice on protecting you and your friends/family.
1st June 2016 at 2:22 pm #18433
I definitely think he’s got a personality disorder so I will read that, thank you.
I need practical advice. I haven’t got money – I’d rather set access in stone, so he stops panicking about me taking her away and also because then its done and we don’t need to talk. I can’t afford solicitors or court, is there anything I can do myself?
1st June 2016 at 2:23 pm #18434
Hi, thanks – I have no intention of introducing anyone to her just yet. There is no need to hurry. My ex is obsessed with paedophiles 🙁 and I am well versed on the dangers, plus I work for (detail removed by Moderator), so I will take every precaution I possibly can.
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