Shocked and confused

[Discombobulated2022]

I split from my husband (detail removed by Moderator). Was so focused on divorcing etc. he remained angry and abusive until I met someone else, then the remorse came, the promises.
I split from my bf (not related to him) and we’ve kind of fallen into “seeing each other”. I’m shocked to say I’m considering going back. He is being so complimentary and touching me all the time. I so wanted that when we were together but now it just feels weird! I just don’t know if I’m feeling it.
Also, although he hasn’t spoken to me “like that” for months and we’ve been able to talk about incidences calmly and without conflict or abuse, he has spoken to my daughter like it recently. It was nasty. It upset her. I don’t know if I’m minimising it , whether it’s a real red flag, or whether I’m reading too much into all his actions? And that I need to give him a chance. He’s said a lot of what I’ve read on here, like it’s not fair that I won’t listen to him or give him a chance.

I think the fact I’m accessing this group asking these sorts of things tells me a lot.

But I can’t help but wish that I everything will be ok.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Discombobulated2022

It sounds a lot like he’s trying to love-bomb you, it also sounds like he didn’t start doing this until he realised he’d crossed lines sufficiently to lose you to someone else. As you say, it all started when you met someone else, right?

Its easier for him to be much more detached and less controlling when you are no with him, the problem is being an intimate partner isn’t it, as then you can’t escape and the abuse gets worse, rapidly.

As you say, he’s still treating your daughter this way, and he can’t stop himself.

The choice is ultimately yours about what you do, noone can tell you to try again, or to steer clear having escaped already, you have to go with what your gut instincts tell you. There is however, enough in your post to tell me about how unsure and wary you are about going back to him, you are questionning yourself about minimisation. This is something you have been taught by him, to lessen the impacts of his abuse on you/others, that you are making more out of something than it is and should just forget it, he doesn’t want to talk about it, etc.

The experiences of many women on here tell us that it gets worse going back after leaving, so that might be something to bear in mind also, but having said that, whatever you decide, we’re here to continue supporting you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Discombobulated2022]

Thank you so much.
I really appreciate the time you’ve spent to comment.
You speak a lot of sense.
I raised how he spoke to her and he agreed, said sorry and would talk to her.
I’ve asked him if he’s love bombing me (and yes it did start when I met someone else- prior to that he was still vile) and he says no.
My counsellor tells me I give him too many clues. I tell him what he needs to do inadvertently.

My mind has been so clear, and now feels a little confused.

I have a lot of doubts.
And yes, I’ve been following a few threads. Most of which end badly when women go back to them.

He’s in therapy tho, I wouldn’t want to think people can’t change if they try hard enough

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