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Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I posted. Things were going ok and I foolishly thought things were getting better. He has recently reverted to calling me names, mostly around me being stupid, I should use my brain etc. When he gets angry he will say things like he is t sure about me and the relationship and has started saying I am annoying again which he hasn’t said for a while. Threatening to end the relationship or devaluing it when he gets mad makes me feel less secure in the relationship and makes me question myself and what is wrong with me. I have difficulty with my fertility which causes issues as he wants to be a dad. I don’t always want sex when I’m tired (I work long hours in a stressful job) and he gets angry because I should want to and if I loved him I would make an effort. I kind of get that I should make more of an effort to conceive. I do try several times a week. He has started keeping score of how many times per day or week I say I love you but he never says it unless I do. Yesterday he woke up in a mood because I had t woken up to initiate sex with him. He put his hand on my chest and pushed me backwards because I was in the way of the cupboard and said he hated me often. I was a bit taken aback. He didn’t push me to hurt me exactly but because I was in the way of something but I still felt uncomfortable with this. Am I overreacting? We are engaged but I’m nervous about marriage now.
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No, you’re not overreacting. Please get out of this relationship whilst you can.
On one hand he’s saying that he hates you and wants out of the relationship (so why does he want to marry you?) On the other hand he wants you to have his baby. Even if these were the only two red flags, I’d be telling you he is abusive. But trying to guilt trip you into having sex, that is abuse. That is how it starts and I’m pretty certain that if you stay with this man you’ll face a lifetime of sexual coercion and rape ahead of you.
Once you have had his baby you’ll be locked into a lifetime of contact with him, whether you like it or not.
You have been very astute to spot this abuse so early. If you are nervous about the wedding then please trust you gut instinct. I wish I had trusted my gut all those years ago. xx
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He go to bed and will sulk after he has lost his temper and will swear at me if I go to see him. I get nervous and don’t always know what to say to make things better and he gets mad at me because I don’t know how to make up properly and make things right. He says I’m not normal and shouldn’t be with a human being as I clearly do t know how to communicate properly. He always tells me he has to repress his feelings and anger all the time to be in a relationship with me. I feel like there is something wrong with me to my core. Like there is something faulty in my DNA that makes me incapable of being normal in a relationship and making him happy. He gets upset that I don’t think of things for us to do because he is bored and makes me feel guilty about him being alone when I am working although I work from home. I don’t give him the attention he needs. I think some of what he says is true. I can’t do anything right anymore. I wish I could be a good fiancee to him.
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There’s nothing wrong with you apart from the fact you’re being abused. He will never change and nothing you do will ever be enough. Abusers simply move the goal posts to continue the abuse. He enjoys abusing you. He enjoys watching you suffer. He enjoys gaslighting you. He won’t change but you can x
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Just because you’re not with a human being at the moment doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be. If you stay in this relationship you’ll be living with a monster – he’s already proved that. Only a monster would say those things to the woman he wants to marry.
Your only problem is the man you live with. Don’t let him make you believe there is something wrong with you, other than the fact that you are being abused.
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I read something recently that really resonated.
“Addiction is giving up EVERYTHING to keep ONE THING. Recovery is giving up ONE THING to get back EVERYTHING”
Your fiancé is very dangerous and troubled. You cannot fix him and the relationship is already heading towards physical violence. To keep this man, you may have to give up everything including your humanity and your safety. Please reach out for support through WA, your GP, counselor, or support group. Hearing from people with a healthy perspective will help you see things more clearly.
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Hi Byzantium
I just wanted to show you some support. Eggshells, KIP and Empoweredhealing have given amazing advice to you.
Your partner is emotionally and sexually abusive to you, it’s not ok to pressure you into sex, this is not consent. He has also been physically abusive and it’s very concerning that he could do this again and that things will escalate. You are not over reacting, and you are not to blame for his behaviour. A supportive partner would never call you names or treat you this way.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat
service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/Take care and please keep posting
Lisa
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Hi Byzantium, I’m sorry to hear about how your partner is treating you. You are most definitely not overreacting. These are not the words or actions of a loving partner in a respectful and healthy relationship. Abuse isn’t just disrespectful, it’s intended to crush you into submission. An abuser isn’t somebody who just loses their temper or reacts in exasperation from their partners actions. An abuser’s words/actions are to control and manipulate their partner. He is not abusive because you make him angry, he’s angry because he believes he has the right to force you to fit his unrealistic expectations of another human being. There is nothing wrong with you. Abuse is all about the abuser. Part of the control is making you feel you are to blame. That keeps him in control and makes you feel like you have to keep trying to meet his expectations and that you can’t leave.
I’ve noticed that when I describe an isolated incident it may not sound abusive to somebody who hasn’t experienced abuse. For example, him wanting you to make an effort to conceive could be seen as a reasonable request, depending on how much detail you describe (him telling you that you would do it if you loved him is emotional blackmail and not ok). However, when you put in the context of the rest of his behaviour (all the criticism, keeping score of things, telling you how angry you supposedly make him, getting angry, saying you’re not normal – this is all very cruel and manipulative) it is abuse. So try not to analyse individual incidents to decide if they’re reasonable. The bigger picture is that he is abusive. I would highly recommend you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft, it was a real eye opener for me.
I’m sad to say that abuse usually escalates when you become more vulnerable. So getting married (making it more complicated to leave) and getting pregnant is very likely to make things worse. I know it sounds crazy. I couldn’t understand how my husband could be so vile while I was pregnant, but having read about abuse it makes sense.
Please know that the way he treats you is not your fault. However much you try to do what he wants will not stop the abuse. If you managed to do what he says he wants, he would just change what he wants you to do/be. Abuse is all about the abuser and he will always blame somebody else for his behaviour. Please do read up on abuse and keep reading and posting here. The support here is incredible. Sending lots of love xxxx
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I can relate to the isolated incident thing, I think that’s maybe a reason why people outside don’t get it. The behaviour is subtle, contextual, behind closed doors (we see the person others don’t see) and part of a bigger pattern. With each isolated incident our instincts within the situation kick in, something others often do not grasp when we try to explain that no, it wasn’t about the money, or the fact that it was raining – it was abuse. Abusers don’t think the way we do and it’s hard for those who’ve never experienced it to understand that.
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Your post just reminded me of the time he shut the lounge door as he entered, knowing I was right behind him. He had just been trying to put the frighteners on me over something in the household that I had no control over, and we were leaving that room to go into the lounge. He essentially shut the door in my face. This happened very early on in living with him, and it was a warning sign. I knew it at the time but it’s so subtle yet so obvious isn’t it. It didn’t get better. Much love to you.
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