Should I be (even more) worried

[velvet-ribbon]

My husband is getting a great reputation in our community, now being involved with various groups, including in a capacity of responsibility for people’s welfare. (This I find quite sickening.) I think it is on the cards that he will want to join a particular type of exclusive group. I know he has been invited, and I am very worried about the influence these type of people can have, having heard/read about them. What I mean is, if and when I leave the relationship, could he make things even more difficult for me being a member of such a group and possibly having their protection? It all sickens me, knowing what he has done to me.

[MissLife]

Hello. I do not know who he is, but I do not think you should be worry about this. There is a police, people who are there to protect you, to protect us. I am saying , writing here like that because I have a difficult situation on my life as well, being abused. You can always make for him the order, I forgot how you say this, that he can not get near you. When you leave him.

[velvet-ribbon]

MissLife, thank you so much for your reply. I’m so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I wish you all the best and I hope things will soon improve for you.
I’m not sure the police would do anything now as my husband is very careful and hasn’t used physical violence against me in a long time.
I think you are talking about applying for an injunction, to either stop the abuser being able to make contact with you, or to stop them being allowed to live in your home.
I need to get advice on where I stand with all this. I do not have much faith in the police after my experience with them in the past. My husband was charged with assault but when I tried to report the rape it was suggested I would be ruining his life. The officer clearly did not want me to report it, so in the end I did not. My personal appearance and weight was also questioned, and I was asked direct questions which were an attempt to discredit me and my mental health.
I am mainly worried about my child and my home. I worry that I’m being paranoid but I feel like my husband is calculating everything and trying to turn my child against me. My husband is constantly networking with influential people and likes to keep me in the dark about what he is doing. He also does not want me talking to them. Maybe I am just paranoid!

[Lisa]

Hi velvet-ribbon,

You mentioned needing to get advice on injunctions. You can get free advice from DV Assist who specialise in the kinds of injunctions used in cases of domestic abuse. They have a 24 hour helpline 0800 195 8699.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[velvet-ribbon]

Thank you very much for that Lisa. I did not know about DV Assist.

[Eggshells]

Hi Velvet-ribbon

Unfortunately, these men are incredibly manipulative and they can get into very high and powerful positions. You only have to look at some of our world leaders to see that!

It is impossible to tell how his association with certain groups will impact you. I guess it depends on who else is in those groups.

I am so sorry to hear about your experience with the police. The way you were treated was wrong. I haven’t been brave enough to report yet, partly because I’ve heard so many stories like your own. However, I’ve been on the forum a while now and there are lots of stories of supportive police, even when there is very little that they can do to prosecute. From what others have said, you must insist on speaking to dedicated officers from the DV section.

I understand your fears around your husband associating with powerful people. Mine was the same. I lost so much when I left him. My home, my job and some people who I had thought were friends. I had to leave the county. Fortunately for me, I had trusted and genuine support outside of my county so when I left, I had support in the new county that I moved to.

His reach did extend beyond that area though and I when I applied for jobs, clear across the country, I found servers returning my applications because my email had been blocked by companies before I’d even applied.

I changed the sector I was applying to and found success very quickly. Despite all of his destructive power, I am re-emerging. I have my own home, I have secure work for another year and more importantly, I have me – someone I’d lost for many years. Ive changed my email and I’ll be changing my name so that when I start applying for jobs again, I won’t automatically be blocked.

So, I guess what I’m saying is yes, he can make life very difficult for you but his reach will have it’s limits. Importantly, you are aware and that will make a huge difference to you if and when you choose to leave because you can plan and prepare around it.

My recommendation is that you try to build a trusted support network well away from your local community.

A few years on and my ex knows nothing about me. That makes it harder for him to interfere with my new life. I fly below the radar. My new workplace is very supportive and they withhold my name and photo from all media that are publicly accessible. There will be ways to avoid your partners reach. Looking ahead will smooth the path for you. xx

[velvet-ribbon]

Hi Eggshells, thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful reply. I wanted to reply before but just recently I have been feeling so overwhelmed with flashbacks and its making me literally sick.
What you have said has made a lot of sense, I understand I need a support network away from my husband and our mutual friends.

I have made an appointment with my GP as I wish for it to at least be documented what impact this relationship is having on me. I cannot continue to live with him as this is making me ill, I understand that now.

I thought counselling would cure me and make me normal so I wouldn’t be bothered by him, and I was wrong. He blames me for living in the past, now I understand why. I want to have a chance to live and thrive not remain in this hell of an existence.

Thanks again, for your supportive words xx

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