Should I be worried?

[LizSKY]

I’ve never kept a record of anything physical or emotional, apart from things I’ve mentioned on here. I don’t even now remember anything that he’s done up until now to be that bad. It was awful at the time, but now I think that I just overreacted! I think I just assumed that I’d carry on this way forever and that I would never want to report it. Then (detail removed by moderator) when he screamed in front of the kids, that just was it for me. I tried to call up and report it but I just wasn’t able to do it. I didn’t know what to say, whether I just talk about what happened on that occasion or bring up things that I now don’t see as being relevant enough.

Anyway (detail removed by moderator),  he decided that he needed to talk because I’m emotionally abusive. He said he needed to speak to someone about it because I’ve broken him as a person and he doesn’t think he can come back from this. I don’t know if it’s just a threat, but he seems to have convinced himself that he’s being going through hell. Maybe, I am more to blame than I think. I’m not sure what he’s going to do.

[maddog]

He’s projecting his behaviour onto you. My ex did exactly the same. He used to shout”I’m the victim” again and again probably just so he could drill it into himself.His divorce petition stated unequivocally the things he’d done to me. He had to be in control.

If you engage with him he will use whatever you say against you. It took me years and years to recognise this. It is a very frightening time.

Are you in contact with WA? It is certainly worth having a bag packed with essential things including documents for yourself and any children including the marriage certificate. My ex went ballistic when he couldn’t have the marriage certificate.

It is emphatically NOT YOU being abusive. It is a tactic. It took me a long time to report my ex to the police. The first time I did it was because I was terrified of what he might do next.

[Tiffany]

Classic abuser technique – it’s called mirroring, where he accuses you of the very thing he has been doing. My abuser tried to convince me that I was emotionally abusive because I cried every time he abused me and according to him crying was emotional abuse! Weirdly after I left and was no longer being abused I stopped crying all the time. He probably senses that you are reaching the end of your tether, so this is his way of manipulating you into not leaving. If you are busy focusing on thinking about what you might have done which could be construed as abusive then that takes your focus off both his behaviour and off thinking about leaving. It’s a horrible piece of manipulation. Try not to let it get to you. I wasted far too much time analysing what I was doing and it kept me in the relationship for years longer than I should have. Try to keep your focus on what he is doing. If you have somewhere safe to keep notes then keep notes (not particularly as evidence to prove his behaviour, although they can also do that). They will help remind you what is actually going on when he is lying so convincingly to your fave that you start to question reality.

[LizSKY]

Thank you both. I really think I need to start keeping track of things, although I’ve said that before. He’s made little comments all week and then when he said I emotionally abuse him I just can’t get it out if my head. Having a bad few days and feeling really down about it all.

It’s like he locks me out because of all sorts, it could that I’ve supposedly cheated on him or hes woken in an awful mood. He said that’s ok because I’ve done it to him. I locked him out a few times, mainly by accident when he’s disappeared for days. He was off his head and I was scared of what he would do as he had come back in this state so many times before. Does that mean he is right?

I’ve told a few people bits of what he’s like and they have advised we need to spend more time together to sort it out, like go on date nights and get that spark back.

I actually can’t focus at all at the min!

[JaneEyre]

LizSky,
My husband constantly blamed me for everything. Saying I was cheating constantly and keeping me awake after a night out accusing me of all sorts.
I would never have cheated out of respect and pure fear I now realise.
When I finally left, not long ago, (detail removed by moderator) he accused me of being a cheat, liar, lesbian, controlling and went as far as to say I had planted a tracker on him.
In the days since I reported him to the police he constantly seems to know where I am at all times.
I’ve found a social media account of his which has numerous ex girlfriends on there and what appear to be porn stars as friends.
I have felt like I have been going mad for years and now I’m thinking maybe he was the one cheating the whole time?
I’ll never know as he is a compulsive liar who is unable to tell the truth about anything.
I feel so stupid now.
But everyday I have no contact I get stronger and see him for what he really is.
It IS emotional abuse as others on here have told you.
It’s only when you get away that you can finally start to see it.
Good luck and take care.
JaneEyre xxxx

[BlueGray]

Sounds like my ex, he used to wake me in the middle of the night to accuse me of cheating or messaging poeple.
I wouldn’t let on you’re leaving if you are, in hindsight I wished I’d reported more in the past no matter how irrelevant it felt at the time as it would help me now if I had.
I wrote a diary on my phone and had it pin locked and saved to the cloud. I look back on it now and then and it helps remind me of how d**n strong I was when I feel a bit defeated.

Good luck with your journey x

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