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Hi merlin22, thanks for coming on, don’t know your story (it would be moderated for protective reasons) but the fact you’ve read posts and realised you’ve normalised some things shows that things weren’t normal and as your starting to see things clearer (seeing through/coming out of the fog as we call it) indicates that there was in fact wrongdoing/abuse or strangeness in your relationship from your previous (and you’ve got out! and that’s massive) welcome again and well done for realising and getting out 💞🥂💞
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Not sure where it starts to be truthful and family and friends have pointed out so many time but I feel so stupid
And questioned myself and doubted that what I felt saw was true-
I think every women here can say the same about doubting themselves. It’s all a part of abuse. Use this forum to connect and understand what has happened, it has been vital for my recovery and for my understand, for feeling supported, and having somewhere to turn to.
Keep researching, have you tried your local Domestic Abuse services?
xx
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Hi Merlin22
Welcome to the forum.
September must seem like an awfully long wait when you are just starting to discover what you have been through.
The forum is a great place to share your thoughts. Try not to be too specific such as repeating things he said verbatim or giving number of years you’ve been in the relationship but generally you can discuss your experiences. Lisa will moderate anything that may be identifying so you don’t have to worry too much.
There is also the Women’s Aid chat line to help you through the waiting period. xx
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I think it all started with monetary abuse when son was born (10+ago) as I had to contribute which at that time meant nearly all my maternity pay went on contributing and I thought was total norm (fool) I was left cut off not able to afford fuel for car etc and few years later when daughter was born same again was little prepared that time had saved a little
I felt low after daughter was born as he used to remark to people about photos in our hall this is women I married and about clothing body shape size what I ate who I saw etc -
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Hi my lovely. You have every right to be cross but please be cross at him for treating you that way. You don’t deserve your own anger.
It sounds like you weren’t really aware that his behaviour was abusive. That is really common because abuse is so insidious. The best analogy I’ve seen on the forum is the boiling frog. Drop a frog into a pan of boiling water and it’ll jump straight out. Put it in a pan of cold water and let it heat up slowly and the frog will stay in the pan until it boils to death.
I was in my relationship for around 3 decades before I finally understood it was abusive.
We stay in abusive relationships for all sorts of reasons – all of those reasons are engineered by the abuser; a multitude of fears and hopes, all deliberately planted to ensure we stay in the relationship.
There are two excellent books. “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft gives you an insight into abuser mind sets and tactics. “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven talks about different types of abuse. If you read it, you might realise that the abuse had already started long before you had your first baby.
Lundy Bancroft can help you to understand that you really can’t blame yourself or be cross with yourself. Abuse is like an elaborate hoax. It’s really hard to spot it as it creeps in.
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Your not a fool merlin22 your human and someone’s been playing a game with you you didn’t know the rules of (till now) 🤗💗🤗
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As time passed found easy to spend money on things £30/40 t shirt I would walk around shoe boots clothes that had passed there best comments on my hair so would , one memorable occasion found really funny to (detail removed by Moderator) my family were not amused he said was joke .
He said I was a burden to be put on mortgage and that if I put me down as earning a wage through his company I was more viable (used my tax code )
Sucker I am said ok and never saw a penny all went into pay bills on house still asked for more so I put (detail removed by Moderator) a week into our account
Then unfortunately I found out (detail removed by Moderator) and have never felt the same about sex he made me feel like I wasn’t preforming if I said no he would huff and puff and sulk.
This is now roughly (detail removed by Moderator) this year he said if he didn’t get anymore attention then he would have to look else where ( went to bed and cried my self to sleep )
My husband had me feel …
Had a feeling he had cheated asked him and no was the answer ,
I left with our two children (detail removed by Moderator) since then I haw found out he had cheated on me and am now dealing with (detail removed by Moderator) relationship collapse
On leaving he knew I was going and I has come to told he said I have abused him and kids
What do say than this is bit of story and I appreciate all help and support x -
Hey Merlin, do you have support in place? Have you been in touch with your local Womans Aid? Also have you had any free 30 min consultations with a solicitor? If you are on UCredit you may be eligible for legal aid. Get as much help and support in place as you can, i emailed Citizens Advice Bureau and they were helpful re money matters and DA support. your husband is doing what a lot of abusive partners do by calling you the abuser, this is a common tactic, start getting as much support in place as you can.
As Eyesopening said, most of us on here feel stupid once we recognise the abuse, I had a good job, social life, confidence… fast forward 20+ years with an abusive husband (now many months out and zero contact with me or kids.. I found out the hard way that you cannot co parent with an abuser as of course they will continue via kids even in small measure.
He will continue to lie and cheat but he will also blame you for everything and keep up his entitled demands of what he wants, do not believe a word he says to you sweetie. You had a feeling he cheated, you asked, he lied to you, keep trusting your gut instinct not his words. He will use his place as a ‘Father’ to see the kids, he will tell people you know lies about you and how it wasn’t his fault, it is what these men do. He believes he is above you and he will want to ‘win’, this is not about love for him, he wants everything his way.You are not stupid, you are a survivor, you fell for his lies and now you and your kids are out. You owe him nothing and you owe yourselves everything ✨️ 💛
Keep safe ❤
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You didn’t abuse him or the children, he’s trying to gaslight you and project what he’s done because he doesn’t want to take responsibility, he (like all abusers) has an abnormal version of how a relationship should be and its one where he takes,is entitled to say and do as he pleases and blames you for it and that’s not ok, when it happens regularly it becomes brainwashing and we start to believe and internalise it as being our fault and harming our self esteem please understand the fault lies with you ex partner and his abnormal relationship veiws entitlements and extreme selfish attitude, also please don’t allow him to reconnect a relationship with you (they are so manipulative and will use all sorts of mind games to get an outcome of their choosing) he could try and guilt you, beg you, intimidate you remind you of good times and even say it wasn’t that bad but as his tactics have worked (in the past) he might have hopes they will work for him again, he could also antagonise you intentionally to upset you and get you to react as a way to make it seen like you are an out of control abuser (so be weary of this attempt too) if you change it around and instead of seeing it as a relationship collapse try and see it as a freedom and a fresh start to get your self esteem back (he was toxifying and harming you so he was collapsing the relationship himself) I hope September brings the start of new things new people and more support 💗☘️💗
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