Should I feel bad about this?

[Eclipsed]

Hi ladies,

So, after joining the forum, reading many posts and identifying so much of the behaviour in my own marriage, I found the clarity I needed to start making plans to get out. Although currently all small steps, I’ve been able to start putting some funds aside in an account that he has no knowledge of.

My problem is feeling like a hypocrite. One of my many issues is his lies about money, discovering he has been stashing money away secretly. He doesn’t contribute much to the household finances and there has been no explanation as to what he’s putting all this money aside for. The next day, the hidden cash had been moved -it was (detail removed by moderator) – I have no idea where to.

I was so upset about this at the time but now I am doing the exact same thing. I guess I’m wondering if my actions are justifiable given the reason for needing to do it secretly because of the potential ramifications if it were discovered? Is it wrong that I don’t feel bad about it? In fact, it feels like a positive step.

I hope everyone is as well as can be expected xx

[Lisa]

Hello Eclipsed,

Thank you for your post and for sharing what is going on for you at the moment.

You are absolutely right in that your actions are justifiable due to the fact that you are developing a security net and are safety planning as a result of his abusive behaviour. Another way to see this is that he has not earned your loyalty or honesty. We do not owe someone who does not treat us with decency and respect anything.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Watersprite]

It is part of your exit plan and future security. The most important thing right now is your safety and stepping into a future free from abuse. Take care keep moving forwards you can do this x

[Hereforhelp]

Hey lovely, you are definitely not doing the same. My husband hid a very large sum of money, when I saw it he raged at me! I was so confused but I see now he had sensed that I was starting to see him and challenge him so he started to take whatever he could (he did it until i left).

It is a positive step, you are independently building a security net as you do not know what’s to come, you also do not trust him, trust yourself Eclipsed❤.

Keep building and moving on ❤

[gettingtired]

Your reasons are justified, he is being sneaky and dishonest. I read something in a book called ‘Out of the fog’ by Dana Morningstar that said something along the lines of what you think you know about what toxic and manipulative people are up to is probably just the tip of the iceberg. They can’t be trusted. Trust your gut instinct. You’re having to do this behind his back because you’re frightened of what will happen if he finds out. It’s a huge red flag and something I’ve slowly realised my ‘relationship’ functions on. I feel terrible for potentially planning to leave behind his back but they leave us with no other choice do they? Xx

[Eclipsed]

Thanks so much for your replies, ladies. All advice and understanding is greatly appreciated xx

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