24th January 2019 at 11:06 pm #71269PrincessCrownParticipant
Hi girls. So (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago I had surgery (detail removed by moderator) so, as you can imagine, I’m not really feeling up to much and in particular I’m not up for sex. My partner knows how difficult having the surgery has been. We haven’t seen each other for the last (detail removed by moderator) weeks while I’ve been recovering. (detail removed by moderator) and as soon as we got settled in bed he brought up sex. Now, I’m not really someone who cares about sex or craves sex because of some disturbing past experiences, and my partner knows this. I told him that the surgeons had advised I don’t have sex because it could be painful etc. So he then turned the attention to just him, suggesting I do sexual things for him. He said (detail removed by moderator) I’m struggling to remember his exact words but it was along the lines of (detail removed by moderator) And I was so shocked and was struggling to see if he was joking or not, I also have autism which makes that even more difficult. I made it clear I wasn’t interested and things went quiet after that. I feel guilty for not being interested in sex or wanting it…is this right? He said it has been almost a month and when he said that I felt like it was time I gave him it. Is this abusive behaviour? Or am I actually in the wrong?
25th January 2019 at 9:47 am #71285maddogParticipant
No you are NOT wrong. It is your body and yours to share when you want to. Sex, like conversation is mutually agreeable. It takes time to recover from surgery. It’s a hard core assault on our bodies even with the best will in the world. It is not your duty to serve your partner. I know there are plenty of men who think it is. When they take what they think they are entitled to it’s rape.
My ex suggested I did things for him that made my skin crawl. He did things at me that make me shudder. In reality I was never safe with him.
Please don’t allow him to bully you. He may be behaving in other ways that make the idea of intimate contact uncomfortable. Have you seen the Cup Of Tea consent video?
Please don’t blame yourself for the behaviour of another. The burden is too much.
25th January 2019 at 9:54 am #71287freedomtochooseBlocked
Maddog is absolutely right, I feel, and I would say I’m afraid I think this is abusive behaviour as well as being just plain horrible.
Surgery is a big deal, you will be feeling fragile physically and emotionally and this person, sadly is not caring for you. This is a very harsh reality. Some men sadly don’t care – about another human being and he sounds like one of them.
Can you care for yourself? Try to find the things that you need right now…simple if you don’t have much energy – glasses of water, allow yourself to rest? takeaway when you don’t feel like cooking…phone a friend…journaling…anything that speaks to you…
25th January 2019 at 10:49 am #71297IwantmebackParticipant
I just want to add my feeling on this subject too. my oh can be very supportive regarding the chronic pain I live with every day. He knows sex isn’t on the table so much, but he’s like your partner in that he’ll ask fir a hand job(there’s nothing wrong with your hands) or a b..wjob(there’s nothing wrong with your mouth). This has nothing to do with being autistic,I promise you. It’s pushing your boundaries, my OH has had sex with me while I’ve had flu, I mean proper flu said it would help sweat it out of me, or if I’ve a sore throat, he’ll ‘suggest’ i give him a bj as it’ll help soothe my throat. they don’t care about us, just their needs.
I hope you’re able to care for yourself, there’s nothing like being cared for but when it comes with stipulations, that’s not love.
4th February 2019 at 9:13 pm #71885ConfusedaboutitParticipant
I’m with you here. I’m not someone who is particularly bothered about sex, but for my partner it’s a different story. He often guilt trips me and says things like “it’s been a month” or “never mind I knew you wouldn’t be up for it” which makes me feel like i have to do it. You are not in the wrong at all. It’s manipulative behaviour from him.
4th February 2019 at 10:35 pm #71891EscapedbuthauntedParticipant
I totally get you, I’ve had countless ops and have long term female health issues which affect my sex drive and cause pain during and after it. My x knew this and was very coercive to get what he wanted to start and then just didn’t care if I agreed or not it was all about him.
I’d say that what you are experiencing with him right now if he hasn’t forced u is definitely red flags and is behaviour that could escalate.
He made me feel guilty then and I still feel guilty and like was my fault on a certain level tho I know logically that it wasn’t and he had no right.
Be kind to yourself and take all the time u need to heal from the surgery remind him it’s only been a short time and if he truly cares it shouldn’t matter as there is more to a relationship than what goes on in the bedroom. Take care of u
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