Should I go back?

[AppleNinja]

Hi all,

I haven’t been on here for a very long time as things have been absolutely crazy.

I was wondering if anyone could offer their opinion.

I left my husband several (Detail removed by moderator) ago and went to a refuge. During that time I had no contact with him but I allowed him to speak to my daughter on the phone once a week, while I listened in.

I only spoke to him once, just after I left and then after that only through an occasional text message, the conversation regarding mostly our daughter, as he kept asking me when he could meet her.

After I ‘did my time’ at the refuge, we were placed in an area which is not very nice and I am now on the waiting list for the council property and I can bid. However, I don’t like the area we’re in and I don’t like the locations I am allowed to bid for. (Detail removed by moderator).
The house we are currently living in….what can I say…the street is rundown, the house looks like a squat and it isn’t safe. This is a private accommodation and the landlord doesn’t give a d**n. People who have visited me pointed out many a health & safety hazard in the house and in the flat.

Being in the refuge was no picnic, and now I’m stuck in not such a great place and who knows how long for. And my future place will be in an area I’m not keen on.

I’ve been struggling with money and with the fact that my daughter really misses her dad and she’s got lots of sadness in her.

Although I’m starting a new part-time job soon (and I will be better off financially) I am extremely anxious about leaving my girl in childcare. The anxiety is driving me crazy.

Recently, something awful happened which distressed both my daughter and I (detail removed by moderator) and I felt it right to let her dad know about it. So I contacted him and we spoke after a very long time. He said (Detail removed by moderator).  He came and spent the day with her. She was so excited that the following weekend I took her to her former home and I stayed there with her.

Despite everything, I felt like I came home, she was so happy there and I didn’t feel like leaving. My husband and I had a good talk. (Detail removed by moderator). He seemed very sad, and I heard from other people that he had been very ill after I left.

I cannot help it but I feel like my daughter needs to be with him too, she cried when were leaving the old house, trying to hide it from me.

It’s so crazy, I am so confused. The truth is I haven’t felt any relief since i left him, it’s just stress and stress and stress all the time. It seems like all three of us suffering.

I know that he’s not a man for me but I’m wondering if it might be worth going back, on certain conditions that he must accept.

The environment there is much better for my daughter and she seemed totally happy to be back there.

I’m not sure what to do because I am utterly overwhelmed by being a single mum with no family in this country.

I wonder if we could make it work somehow for our daughter.

Has anyone been through something similar?

Thank you
AppleNinja

[KIP.]

Never ever ever go backwards. You have come so far. Allowing contact with him has set you all back. Going to where he lives with your daughter is not only dangerous for you both but could result in social services taking your daughter from you for exposing her to him. You were in a refuge for a reason. Don’t expose yourself and your daughter to a lifetime of abuse. She is a child and looks to you for her protection. Don’t give him another opportunity to destroy you. He will take it. Abusers say all the right things to hook us back in. Going back is not the solution. You’re playing a very dangerous game,

[HopeLifeJoy]

No pls don’t go back.
Of course he is all sweet now. Why wasn’t he that way before. Making you leave your life because he was abusive.
You did the right thing.
You are safe now. You weren’t before with him.
It might look ugly around you right now, but it is temporary. It is just a trampoline for your future.
For inspiration J.K Rowlings (the author of Harry Potter) had to get a dodgy flat at first too.

You have got a job, this is such great step forward. Your kids in the day care will make new friends. You’ll get a better place in a better neighbourhood. Step by step. Keep your freedom.
Keep moving forward. Don’t look back.
It wasn’t as pink as you think it was. It really was abuse. That’s why you left.

You’ll get though this. Keep posting and keep safe. Wishing you strength.

[puzzledatlife]

I am not as strong as lots of others here and I do believe that people change. That said there are a few things really important in what you wrote.
First your daughter was happy to be home and spend time with her dad. Well done you!! It means you were able to preserve a sense of positivity in her. That she can still feel good and feel the love is a great thing in my opinion and credit to you for preserving the bond that is possible to have.
You can explain to her that some steps are necessary to make things right and be truthful without breaking all the goods that she feels. Really well done you.
Sexond important thing is your critical attitude towards the flat and the area. Again great. You are mindful about what you want for yourself and her and this isn’t good enough.
The third thing is that it is ok to be crying and feeling sad. It is sad. A bad truth is better than a good lie. Cry because it is sad and there’s no way round. You can help your daughter to cry without feeling she will worry you if she does cry. It is all easier if we are all truthful as possible in these situations.
It may be possible that your ex improves and that eventually things can get back to normal. However from your doubts it seems to me that at this point in time is best to keep building your.life your career and make new friends and connections. You should feel confident that you go back because this is what is good for you when the child, not because what you have now isn’t good. You should also not go back because you miss him. Missing someone isn’t a sign that that person is ok to live with. Maybe he’s ok to visit to spend time with but at the moment not ok to.build a life. I am single mom foreigner and with a disability and I know how hard it is to build over broken bricks. I would say try to rebuild for you so you can be in a stronger negotiating position. You will have to get to a stage where where you live feels home, where the girl has friends, you have friends, true connections, and then you will be in the position to decide what is good and whether goimg back is good, not whether you need it. Work in your own independence. From that position all. will become easier. You’ll be able to.choose. Sorry if I wrote things that are silly. Feel free to ignore if I have got it wrong xx

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