Should I go?????

[mixed-up mum]

I received a letter on behalf of my ex requesting I set up mediation regarding maintenance payments.
He unbeknown to me (until I saw my bank statement) stopped paying maintenance for our son in (removed by moderator). He’d done the same thing to me earlier in the year when he stopped paying for our daughter, again with no explanation and no warning or what he was about to do.

He was and is still meant to be paying as our son is still in education. We were on reasonable civil speaking terms until he stopped payments with no warning – I was so upset that he could do that to me and to our son – we were struggling financially anyway, and with no maintenance that made things even harder. I couldn’t understand why he would do this to me (and indeed to our son through me) he sees his son every week and they are on good terms, so why be nasty to me and stop payments when he knows I NEED the money, giving me no money it was affecting our life, and my mood through so much stress and worry,

So I decided to distance myself from him for the sake of my mental health ad to try and help me move on.

I know all the ladies on here STRONGLY advocate NO CONTACT as a means of recovery and of healing and moving on with your life. So in (removed by moderator) I stopped talking to him and stopped answering the phone when he called. So for the first time in (removed by moderator) years I have now gone (removed by moderator) with no contact.

So I really don’t think I can be in the same room as him and sit beside him in order to do mediation and set up maintenance again. I would not feel comfortable talking to him and being that close to him again – I have come this far and I think it would set me back to be talking with him again. I just don’t want him to get to me again and control me again.

PLUS the fact if I have to do it thorough mediation it will most likely be months before I can get an appointment and get payments set up again – I feel I need to get something sorted as soon as possible, as I have now had to go (removed by moderator) with no money from him, and I NEED to get it set up again, and backdated for all the payments he missed.

He left a message on my phone for me to ring him or go up to his house, and I do not feel able to do this anymore – so I was considering writing him an note myself in order to get payments moving again – but I then received this letter in the post, and I don’t know what to do for the best – I just need money as soon as possible…………………

[Ayanna]

Speak to Rights of Women. They usually have good answers and even solutions to such problems.

[Serenity]

Mediation will be a waste of time. He will
manipulate, lie and stall.

Call the Child Maintenance Service ASAP. From the day you call them, he is liable in paying. It needs to be done formally- abusers aren’t fair people. Let them deal with him- they will do it for you, there is that option.

Don’t let him get away with it. As child maintenance said to me, we need to inform on them. If we don’t, we are teaching men that they can get away with it.

Xx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Why do mediation , let csa do all the chasing, i told csa i refuse to speak and we are not on good communciation terms so they do all the communciating for us , no need to have the contact, if he wants to pay he would just pay

[Serenity]

I did the same, Confused.

They asked me if I felt I could deal with him directly over it. I said no, he was obstructive and abusive. Since then, they have done everything for me x

[PlainJane]

Hi hun, mediation isnt and cannot be recommended in cases of domestic abuse, as the other lady said he will just use it as a way of further manipulation and control. He wants you to come to him or you to call him, hmmm all on his terms eh? Sounds like he is throwing his toys out of the pram because you have gone no contact and he feels the need to get that control back.
I would definitely maintain no contact and do it all through the csa, otherwise he will continue to use this as a tool everytime he feels the need to exert control over you xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi all and thanks for the replies.

Call me weak, call me pathetic, but I just can’t set the CSA on to him……I don’t want to make him mad at me, I don’t want to upset him, I don’t want to rock the boat…… I don’t want trouble…..

I just need to keep things calm and peaceable – if I call on the CSA it’s like me instigating war on him……and I can’t cope with that, I can’t cope with fighting and rows…..

He has offered to resume payments, and all he needs are my bank details – so I feel I have 4 choices –

(1) ring him/go to his house and talk – NO – NOT an option I’m comfortable with…….I can’t go back to that…….

(2) go to mediation and with their help sort it out – a possibility – IF they will keep us in separate rooms.

(3) write him a note with the details he has requested and pass it on via my son – a possibility

(4) do it through CSA – not an option I’m comfortable with – will only cause friction and make things worse between us, and scare and worry me.

I know by me doing options 1 or 2 then he wins, hes getting my attention, he’s seeing me again and I’m talking to him again.

My problem with involing the CSA is that he’s not refusing to make payments, he is willing to cooperate and pay up (albeit on HIS terms – ie he wants to talk) so I feel by me going to them I’m antagonising the situation.

He wanted me to phone him – I didn’t – he wanted me to go to his house – I didn’t – so I am getting stronger – I am standing my ground more than I’ve ever done before …….but for me speaking up and finding a voice is really hard – this is what comes of years of having no voice, and not being able to have an opinion…….

So actually me NOT ringing him, and me NOT going there IS me being tough on him…….

[Author]

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