14th April 2020 at 12:36 pm #100847ByzantiumParticipant
Hi everyone. I have posted in the past describing the way my partner has treated me in terms of being mentally and emotionally abusive. Things were really bad until very recently when he suddenly decided he wanted a baby and marriage (he previously broke off our engagement in anger). Although things have been better recently I am worried about how soon it is since things were horrible and that we can’t afford it since he quit his job last year and I’m struggling to pay for the house and all of our bills. He has debt of his own which he can’t pay. He says it’s never the right time to have a baby and we will manage. He really wants a wedding soon but I would be expected to somehow find the money. I think about how he has been with me and sometimes I feel bad for thinking it was abusive and maybe it was my fault. I sometimes think he takes advantage financially and I feel guilty afterwards for thinking it and that I should be supporting him as that’s what partners do. I worry that if I say no to a baby or wedding he will leave or things will go back to how they were which I also feel bad about because I make it sound like he’s a monster. I am worried that I will be vulnerable if I get married or pregnant and things go back to how they were or he decides to leave afterwards. I’m sorry for posting again but I’m confused as to whether he was abusive or it was me thinking it and whether I should just have a baby and get married. I get so anxious and confused- I’m sorry! Should I put what happened over the last Year behind me and have a baby and get married?
14th April 2020 at 1:25 pm #100850IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there and welcome to the forum. An abusive partner never really changes. They will hide behind secrets and promises but once they believe they have you in a stronger submissive relationship the real them will rise again. It’ll be wee innocuous statements, then when you can’t take any more it’ll be threats of how you’ll never see your baby. Please read others posts on this. Look deeply into why he’s changed, were you going to walk away from it all, after he cancelled the engagement. These men are extremely good at manipulation. He knows what you really want is him and a baby, a family of your own. Look deeply at how his family dynamics are/were, look at your own too. It’s a raw thing to do, deep searching of oneself, but better this than the horror of an abusive marriage and with a baby in the mix too. Contact women’s aid they are here fir you even in this terrible time of the coronavirus endemic. Read as much as you can on the subject, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is sn excellent book, as is living with the dominator by pat Craven. Keep posting sweetheart, dont believe anything he says. Look up the cycle of abuse, it sounds as if he’s in what’s called the honeymoon period. I know this reply sounds so cynical but its not meant in any way to be. I married my abuser, put off the wedding fir ages, but eventually ran out of reasons/excuses. That was when things got worse. I was with him fir over 2 decades, please think long and hard before doing the same. Better a broken engagement than marrying an abuser. Think of him as Jekyll and Hyde.
Good luck, deep down we know something’s off, we just don’t know what it is. You can’t talk to him about this cos then he’ll just change the goal posts. Do you keep a journal of his behaviour? Keep dates,times if anyone is around, even the most trivial of things. Lots you’ll not remember, the brain protects us from trauma. I don’t want to overload you too much, and others will reply too. I’m only grateful that this forum Is here and that the ladies on it know what I was trying to say when sometimes I didn’t even know what or how to say things.
Stay safe, find yourself again. Remember we don’t need anyone to make us whole, we already were a whole person before.
14th April 2020 at 2:14 pm #100855fizzylemParticipant
I think you already know the answer to your questions B, you have said it does not feel right, it isn’t what you want; you’ve only said you are considering it so not to upset him – not the best reason to get hitched and have a baby is it?
I used to feel like you, I earned a good salary and he quit his part time job; I used to see it as ‘our money, our situation, our family’, only I can see now he was nothing but a parasite, it was only ever me doing all the sharing! All he did was add more and more weight to my load. I burned out eventually, working and taking care of everyone and the home. It was only at this point, when I was forced into questioning why this had happened, that I was able to see this – we share the load don’t we in a relationship, ease it for one another when we can – not hearing this here, all I’m hearing is he has a free ride, is avoiding his adult responsibilities – the dull stuff we all have to take care of, by getting you to take care of this for him.
A decent man would not do this, if he needed to for a short time he would feel terrible about it, and he certainly wouldn’t want this situation for his child.
You are absolutely right in thinking that you wll be highly vulnerable once you are pregnant; this is when they know they have you tied and trapped. You need him to be there for you and the baby and to take care of you both, only he doesn’t see it this way, he only sees this as something to exploit for his gains. He uses his power here to cause more suffering. Instead of rising to his responsibilties; he isn’t caring for you now, so why do you think this would be any different? He sees this as you being there to care for his child, work, take care of the home and service all his needs doesn’t he?
You fear going back to things as they were if you don’t have a child or get married, I fear how much worse it will be if you make these committments and ties to him – much harder to get away from and he knows this!
You must have heard that a baby does not fix a relationship right? Will push you close to the edge; read some of the posts on here – there are plenty of mothers suffering. Child custody and arrangements battles are a truly dreadful place to find yourself in with an abusive man.
Do you really want someone like this to father your child? How do you imagine his behaviour would be for a little to one to experience? A child has no power at all in a parental relationship – is completely vulnerable.
Sounds like you fear being alone and thus are making decisions out of this fear and the fear you feel of upsetting him, rather than listening to self and what it is you really need here. You’re only trying to keep him and the relationship going aren’t you, and trying to avoid conflict.
It would be really good if you could attend to this in therapy, so you get to a point where you listen and respond to yourself and do not fear being alone – only then will make sound decsions for yourself and your furture, because all you’re doing atm is constantly trying to get to a place of safety isn’t it – problem is, this relationship is not safe, you do not feel safe do you? How can you make any life decsions this way? It’s fingers crossed only isn’t but history has shown you how it could and will likely be.
These decsions need to feel right for you; meaning you are in a loving, caring, respectful relationship, that you are pretty sure it would be ok, that you want to parent with this man because you can see he will make a great long term partner and parent – you don’t though do you, it fills you with angst and concern – understandably so – maybe write a list of what are your concerns here?
He will only have more power over you here and control you through your child, make you suffer like you’ve never felt before, meaning your child will also suffer. Sorry, I know this is not what you long to hear, you’re longing for a brighter day hey, the happy ending. The happy ending will only come without him though flower. You’re living in hope everyday aren’t you, when what would serve you better is reality.
Well done for reaching out and questioning where you are and what this all means – we present ourselves with the opportunity for change and making better choices when we do x
14th April 2020 at 3:42 pm #100864ByzantiumParticipant
Thank you both for replying! It’s so strange but this afternoon he was going through some of his belongings and commented that I need to get some drawers and extra shelving for it. He was sorting out a big box of gifts he has which is full of gifts which he thinks are rubbish. The box is full of the gifts I and my family gave him. He was asking me again why I bought them and he couldn’t understand the way I think. He says that lately. That he can’t understand why I do things or my logic. Then he was nice to me asking for a massage later then he ignored me. He said I should stay in the spare room last week because I didn’t do as I was told but later changed his mind when he had calmed down. Maybe I’m holding on to how it used to be or how I think things could be in the future.
14th April 2020 at 4:11 pm #100865KIP.Participant
He’s shown you your future. It’s the same or worse than your past. We all hope our relationship would last forever but it takes two to make a relationship work. He sound truly abusive and uncaring. And if that’s how he is now, it will be so much worse when you’re vulnerable. Do you want your child to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal. If he thinks you’re withdrawing he will become nice again to regain his control. Don’t ruin your life with this man. You deserve better. I wasted decades scared to leave the home eventually mentally broken. Unable to work and be the best mum, daughter and friend I should have been because of him. My advice is to run for the hills, run fast and never look back x
14th April 2020 at 7:12 pm #100873fizzylemParticipant
Who does this? Has a dig at someone for a gift?! I was always taught to receive a gift and to express my appreciation, whether I need it or not. It feels lovely to give doesn’t it, and yet he’s trying to rob you from feeling this.
This concerns me, this is part of the ‘crazy making’, he’s trying to get you to question yourself, lead you into thinking you get things wrong don’t you, get you doubting yourself, he’s slowly chipping away here at your self esteem – messing with your mind.
Is he also saying buying gifts is wrong – setting it up so you don’t expect him to go out shopping for you?
If I were you I wouldnt buy him anything ever again now and I’d tell all my family to do the same, tell them what he’s said and where his gifts end up – then watch what happens – this will be wrong as well! You really won’t be able to get it right whatever it is; and he will always move the goal posts.
We all go through this for a time B, we hold on to what it was like in the early days, the days before we had seen his other sides, he was careful to keep these parts hidden back then. You get this part of him sometimes, but this also means you get his nastiness and controlling behaviour as well. You’re not ready to let go of the hope for things to get better are you yet, you feel you’ve invested too much into this relationship. Listen to your gut here, it won’t let you down, the rest is fantasy x
15th April 2020 at 1:15 am #100891IwantmebackParticipant
My oh constantly complained about the gifts he was given from my family and me. Ended up throwing much of them out or trashing them. Thinking of them spending money on him, taking the time to choose a gift and then not being appreciated makes my blood boil now. Near the end I told them to stop buying us gifts, was only way I could think of so as not to hurt his feelings!!!! Didn’t believe they didn’t get me, so it really doesn’t matter if they buy or don’t buy, he’ll always find an excuse to complain or put them down. I stayed longer than I should have because I too felt I’d invested too much into the relationship, didn’t see what I’d given up to have the relationship, my children, visiting my parents ad hoc. They are like Jekyll and Hyde, supposedly not wanting to be mr Mr nasty, but can’t help themselves. Rubbish. It’s all about control and being right (all the time) of not taking any responsibility for their actions (which he probably will when you leave, promising to change, get help, whatever it takes to win you back,,) that whatever it takes means just that.its not about making you happy, it’s about getting you back, saving face. Sorry I’ve digressed, though being forewarned about what’s in store when you leave isn’t such a bad thing.
16th April 2020 at 1:10 pm #100989starqueenParticipant
I would say categorically do not either marry this man or have a baby with him. I think it’s fair to say that marriage and having kids with an abuser gives them more control over you, more links with you that are harder to break when you want to escape and make you much more vulnerable.
17th April 2020 at 4:11 pm #101071AnonymousInactive
Wonderful advice from all these ladies! I hope you take it. If he treats you this way, you might want to imagine how he would treat a child? You, having to meet a baby’s needs 24/7 will compete with his needs. A baby crying will probably drive him mad. Past behavior predicts future behavior. What you are hoping for with him is for the “him” he was temporarily when he lovebombed you – can come back but won’t because it was never real and was not your fault. THIS is who he really is and it will only get worse. He will suck the life out of you. He is very very abusive. You have a good brain, your intuition is shouting at you. Listen!
He wants you to support him, to control you, to attack you when he feels like it. Not okay. The confusion is all about what he is creating and you are allowing. It’s also about you thinking about going farther down this rabbit hole and right past all the warning signs. You are trying to make the square peg fit the round hole and it won’t, sweetheart. Magical thinking and denial are very destructive. Truth when accepted is very healing, calming and lifegiving. How he makes you feel when you are around him is his real self emanating outward and the vibe of it is pretty nasty. The crazymaking is very telling. He’s knocking you off balance constantly. Then wanting you to rush into marriage and having a child? Yikes! Sends shivers up my spine.
He’s not the last chance guy on the planet for you. Please don’t settle. Imagine a good, peaceful life with someone who respects you, is kind, loving, would never think of picking you apart, who pulls his own weight, who only wants to uplift you, who approaches things with you in a very loving way whether it’s a problem to sort out or future plans, who listens and is considerate of your feelings and of those you love, who never strikes chords of fear in you. Then ask yourself – isn’t this what I deserve? And is he this man? Please keep talking. Most of us have been through this and deeply understand all your thoughts and confusion. At the same time some wisdom has evolved in our lives and we are better for it and rally around you so you can feel affirmed and settle/calm in order to make decisions that are absolutely Pro-YOU. Wish my magic wand was working but it’s on the fritz. I put it in the washer last week…uh-oh. You got all the power you need however right there in you “gut”. It knows.
18th April 2020 at 7:08 am #101125NewboundariesParticipant
Some lovely advice above. I don’t know your past experience but just remember if you are questioning it then its not normal, he is being controlling and if you have a baby and get married he will have more control.
I have been suffering from emotional and controlling behaviour, little bits here and there over our long relationship and at the start I had a handful of physical too. I kept brushing it under the carpet.
I am now married to him with a little one and I wish I did it with another man, a man who doesn’t make me question myself, someone who respects me, someone who allows me to be me.
I have been mulling it over for some time before I realised what I was going through, I just thought I fell out of love with him but then I realised why, because of the way he was treating me. We were trying for another baby and I miscarried but these things happen for a reason and I realised that I couldn’t have another baby with him, no matter how strongly I wanted another and I might not get another chance, because it would trap me more and that was a really hard realisation I had to make which I still get upset about but I don’t regret. And so I got myself on the coil to prevent any accidents.
Being married and especially having a child, it is much harder to get out, I am going through it right now. I have the threat that I can’t take my little one with me so if I want to go I need to flee and I can’t afford to just find another home to rent as I have been a stay at home mum, so have no money let alone the costs I am going to have with a divorce as I know he isn’t going to make that easy either. I have wonderful support with a charity who are supporting me but leaving would be so much easier if it was just me. I would have escaped before the lockdown and be living freely somewhere else by now.
Well done for reaching out, its a good step to take, talk to one of the helplines, find a local charity, keep talking here, you can do this.
I read somewhere, I think one of the people on this forum said ‘if your friend was in this situation what would you say to her’.
18th April 2020 at 11:00 am #101142AnonymousInactive
Hi Newboundaries…..I feel your pain in what you wrote… I was you a long time ago and I did flee with my child. Even took her out of state. He didn’t fight me however. He’d rather pay the little bit of child support and have me pay the rest, do the rest. He was a very selfish man. He also befriended my father who was a really abusive monster to me, believed he was now ok to babysit our baby daughter because he had supposedly found God. Uhh…no, he just changed disguises and NO way anyone that loved me would ever in a million years suggest that. Her – overnight with him? Are you insane? And that, among other things just did it for me. Click! I asked him later sooo did you just not believe me when I told you about all of my abuse OR did you just not care about leaving her with a monster like that? Pick one. His reply – Well, we just didn’t really talk about things like that or know about such things. I said – Wow, you been living under a rock? I talked to you, told you in full living color. You deaf?
At any rate it was pointless. I moved in with my mother (detail removed by moderator), got a job and that was that. He got her during the summer. I really wanted to be a stay-at-home mom soo bad. He agreed until he told me (detail removed by moderator) before I had her that I had to go back to work because HE wanted to build HIS dream home so we needed me working. I cried my heart out. We had a great house, it was cheap, his parents old house, very well built, (detail removed by moderator) acres of land, I had a big garden, canned my food, made my clothes, etc. But nooo. He got his dreamhouse, btw, but he lost us. Got himself a new wife (detail removed by moderator) yrs. younger, LOL, who looked just like me (weird) who had a good job and they kept up with his brothers and whoever else he was trying to impress!
The second he said what he did about my father that did it for me. Trust was all gone. I even went back to him (detail removed by moderator) and tried to be a good girl, that was a hoot. Of course it didn’t work. I left again permanently. I did still love him in many ways but he was just so self centered and not the best friend i thought I married. So, I raised her on my own. My mother was useless, quite abusive herself so I didn’t have any support at all. Just me.
I landed great jobs, always had good health insurance and we made it. Thing was, I was not ready to have a baby when it happened. Wasn’t on birth control and let’s just say he decided……it was good to get me pregnant so I would stay with him. I was telling him no while it was happening. I knew the minute I got up that I was pregnant and I was…
Yes, having a baby is a big big deal. So being wise here is a really good idea!! Stay Strong!!
18th April 2020 at 11:06 am #101143WhodatParticipant
Aw jeezo all these men are EXACTLY the same, it’s cringeworthy really. The fact that you feel guilty and bad etc would suggest he has worn you down so much that you are now effectively gaslighting yourself. Would you ever do any of the things he has done to you to any other human being? Like ever seriously? He is just kidding on the has changed to get what he wants. The old carrot of a baby. My ex did the same. I’m not judging you at all, I didn’t even have the strength to leave, it’s so hard to gain clear perspective when you are in it. He ultimately discarded me, thankfully before I fell pregnant, in the most appalling way and the effects on my mental health were catastrophic. Think of healthy normal relationships you know, do those men scream shout swear criticise degrade humiliate lie cheat and god knows what else. Na they don’t coz it’s not b****y normal. You can and will do better, he can’t do though, and that’s not your fault. Don’t feel bad you are not responsible for his actions or feelings, he is a grown man who chooses to abuse women. Do you think he genuinely cares about your feelings?did he care when he broke your heart by calling the wedding off in what effectively sounds like a temper tantrum? If he was normal he would absolutely understand wanting to wait for marriage and babies given the circumstances but he doesn’t and continues to try and guilt you in to it. Not normal, not love, not going to change!!!!
18th April 2020 at 12:03 pm #101150heartbrokenwomanParticipant
Please don’t have a baby with him!
I have (detail removed by moderator) small children with my controlling partner and things have gotten much worse since having my beautiful babies. I’m not allowed to bring them anywhere on my own, can’t even visit my parents who live very close to me. I’m constantly making up excuses as to why I’m not visiting but they’ve now copped on something isn’t right. He doesn’t even like me taking them into a shop. I’m constantly criticised as a mother. I don’t do this or that right. I should listen to him more on how the kids should be raised etc now I’m having to deal with being pushed into doing up our will so if anything should happen to us our kids should go to the care of his sister which I don’t want. I’d prefer my own sister who is unable to have kids of her own was able to raise them but he’s just mentally breaking me down and I’m being forced to pick his family to raise my children because I’m told my family are unfit!
I also know if I walk away that I will have a custody case on my hands and social services as he will tell them I’m unfit etc I have all this hanging over me along with the fact that I live a life where everyday there is emotional and controlling abuse taking place. I’m at my wits end. So please take it from someone who has had kids with an abusive partner, don’t do it! it makes everything much harder. I love my kids but I wish I’d had them with a nice decent man who actually loves me and brings out the best in me. Things never improve in relationships like this esp when kids are brought into it
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