Should I have left?

[Isthisright]

Hi All,
I am in a bit of a difficult one.
My husband has been very mentally abusive over the last while. I felt like I could never do anything right. He would say he was finished and our marriage was over.
It got so bad that he left the house for a while when I told him I couldn’t take anymore.
He arrived back unannounced and I got the biggest apology ever and if I could give him another chance. I told him what I am was unhappy about and what I wouldn’t accept again.
He did agree but also made sure to tell me I am at fault as well.
I have suggest couple counselling where I am getting a variety of answers – no, maybe, yes.
We have been sleeping apart the last while, I don’t think I could sleep in the same bed as him.
This weekend he has been nice making breakfasts and dinner. I feel really anxious and stressed around him. I feel like maybe he has just forgot about all that has happened.
I feel like i couldn’t have a normal conversation with him. I constantly have a headache and feel sick.
He suggested that we get away together for a few days and to be honest I couldn’t think of anything more stressful.
I think I am so scared of the abuse and anger all coming around again and it is my fault because I have let it. I didnt leave when I had the chance and I feel so awful now that he is trying to be nice. I just can’t seem to move forward and relax.
Has anyone felt this before?

[RedGiraffe]

First off, please don’t feel like this is your fault – it isn’t! I know this is so hard not to and I myself have self blamed many times!
I have experienced many of the things you have mentioned above; the stress headaches, the sick feeling in your stomach and the trying everything possible to make sure you don’t ‘trigger’ another bout of abuse! It’s no way to live! I’d like to say I’m out now… however I’ve ended my relationship but he’s still living under the same roof – like you tho we sleep separate and have done for a while before the relationship was formally ended!

The apology after the incident and then followed by positive behaviour ( making of breaks fast and dinner, the suggestion of going away together) is a part of the cycle! They manage to convince you in this stage that there’s no reason to fear anymore so you let your guard down only for it to happen again – in my personal experience it’s been worse everytime 🙁

I also believe that couples counselling together is NOT recommended within a relationship where there has been abuse (I’m sure the other girls can clarify more on this) I too tried to convince mine to go to counselling believing it would help (we never did) however since being on this forum and talking to the other girls I can see it was for the best we never went!

I’m so sorry your in this position, of course no one can tell you what you should do – however even if we don’t want to admit it I’m sure we know what we need to do! It’s a long road! Best of luck xx

[Bingowashisname0]

Sorry that this is happening to you. It’s a big question to ask and then act on. Only you can decide. Remind yourself you are worth so much more than how you’re being treated. You get one life. It’s taken years of up and down, wanting to leave… trying to make him happy… believing I was the one at fault all the time or being convinced everything was in my head. I managed to end the relationship almost (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago, and every day I question the decision. But the questioning gets shorter by the day… because I’m adamant that this time I will be strong and see it through because I know I’ve existed in a haze of unhappiness for so long… how is it for you? Do the bad days outweigh the good? Are you constantly believing you’re not good enough?
You’re taking the right first steps by getting support from people in similar situations. Most of us on here understand the hesitation to leave, that’s because of the clever way he’s manipulated you for so long.we know that there’s a wonderful loving side to our abusers. We appreciate that pull and desire to make things right and how it feels to just want everything to be happy… so much we drive ourselves crazy trying.
If you do decided to end the relationship, it will be hard, it will be painful, but keep your support network close and remember there’s lots of people who can relate and want to help.
I hope you can find peace in your choice. What ever you decide, take care and keep reaching out x*x

[Lotus20]

Hi isthisright,

Firstly, yes you’re feelings are right and so right. Secondly I have the exact same situation, only got to know the cycle of abuse and Grooming the last few days and it is what it is. Please look it up.
And lastly, it’s not right for us to let this happen, so no it is not right. Please take yur next opportunity to save yourself. I have had that stomach sick feelings for the first time in my life when the light bulb came on, I have lost appetite or if I eat I get sick, I can’t sleep. And my key worker said it right. She said, that your body is telling you that something is not right.
All the best and take care of yourself.

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