Should i/ how can I leave

[Confused.com]

Hello everyone, might be a long one so please bare with. I have been with partner for a few years and we have a young son. The abuse started when I got pregnant and it was bad, mostly emotional, a hundred times worse than current day. We have split a few times but I always end up being harassed back partly because of all of the stress on both the families and because I didn’t want him having contact with our child alone until he was older and could communicate with me. The last time he had contact alone he sent me videos of my son hysterical on the floor to get me to video call, I think so he could check were I was. I would have cut contact completely but his family have been very involved in our child life and love him dearly, they already have a grandchild they don’t see because of his behaviour with his ex. When we split we were also hours apart and I didn’t want my son spending (detail removed by moderator) a weekend in the car at a young age.
After our last split one of his family members purchased a house for us to rent from him so our son would have stability, in a beautiful area I have always wanted to live and closer to his family. His family member has spent about (detail removed by moderator) and my partner has spent about (detail removed by moderator) in renovating this house in loans, it has taken months to complete. Usually life with him is doable because he works all week but with this lockdown it has been horrible. The abuse is no way as bad as it used to be, but then I wonder if that’s because I accept the life he bestows upon me now, we never go out as a couple, I have no friends, whenever I say about going out he doesn’t like it and insists on picking me up meaning my son has to get out of bed so I don’t bother, the only time I’ve been out he dropped me off at (detail removed by moderator) and picked me up at (detail removed by moderator)  from the pub I was in. I see my family rarely nowadays as we are further away, I only see my mum twice a year when I used to see her monthly, him and my mum hate each other, mainly caused by him not allowing contact between her and our son when he was born. My partner has an ongoing court case for (detail removed by moderator) and because my dad wouldnt lie to the solicitor for him he has now washed his hands of my dad despite my dad housing him and giving him work for (detail removed by moderator), whenever I mention about seeing my dad or my grandparents he says we don’t have the money and they will have to come here, my nan has terminal cancer and I want to see her as much as possible (obviously cant at the moment anyway).
He’s always moaning about my spending if I buy anything and if I buy my son something it usually ends up in the bin so I don’t bother anymore, I got him a (detail removed by moderator) and because my son wouldn’t go straight to sleep and was messing around he ripped it in half. He often threatens to throw my sons toys away and smashes them if he misbehaves and ignores the first warning. He is shouty with our son and I don’t agree with it. He always complains about stuff my mum buys him. He says that we both spoil our son (me and my mum) but because she doesn’t see him much she loves giving him things when she does.
I feel like I’m not able to make any decisions when it comes to our son, even when it comes to feeding and daily activities, all he wants to do is sit in front of the TV all day, messy play isn’t allowed. I just want my son to be able to be a kid.
I know if I left he would say me and my son can stay in the house and he will leave, but I would have to leave him first for this to happen be wouldn’t just leave, and after all of the money everyone’s invested in this house I just don’t know I can do it, he has bought everything for the house. Daily life isn’t that bad but whenever he gets stressed he is a nightmare, speaks to me like dirt and shouts at both of us. I told him last time we had an argument I wished he would go and not come back, I show him zero affection and have done everything to push him away but he just wont leave.
My partners dad is very understanding and knows what his son is like, as so his siblings. However his mother sees no wrong and just thinks all of his ex partners have been attention seeking crazies and that he is a great father. I can see all of the abuse I’m going to get from him when I leave about all of the money that has been put in to this house and how I’ve thrown it back in everyone’s faces. I already feel like a horrible person for letting them get the house when I knew I wasnt happy and the relationship was doomed. I have booked a (detail removed by moderator) in (detail removed by moderator) for me and my son so I’m hoping I have the strength to leave then, and give them all (detail removed by moderator) to decide what to do with the house.
Thanks for listening, my situation feels very unimportant compared to some of the ladies on here

[fizzylem]

He sounds awful. I’m with you, I wouldn’t want my son around this man either, it is cruel and nasty smashing toys up and shouting at a little person. No wonder you daren’t go out. You should be able to see family and friends whenever you like really. Your mum sounds like she’s got his number. I would struggle a great deal if my daugher were in this sitaution, bet she’d help you wouldn’t she, bet she’s longing for the day you tell her it’s over and done.

This house is not your problem; you feel an emotional attachment to these people, feel like they were helping you out and that you could be letting them down, yes it did help you out, but the person that bought it did so for an investment, and it sounds like it’s increased in value with all the work. I’m pretty sure they will have already discussed what they would do if you were to split – before they bought it. They can sell or keep it either way. Please do not let him manipulate your feelings here. This was a business transaction for them. Lovely hey! They have a good second home, a rental income or some profit coming in the sale.

Better if you clear the way, put all these people to one side and focus now on what is right for you and your son; you can now see that if you had done this before that it would have been the way to go – so use this insight and what you learnt to guide you here; thing is, when we do this, think about what is right for me here, it always works out better for everyone, life and others tend to fall in around; it always starts by doing what is right for you first x

[Confused.com]

Thank you fizzylem. I think if everything wasnt going on with the lockdown I would just do it now but it’s not possible at the moment. I just want my son to grow up feeling happy and safe. My mum would be very happy if we split, as would the rest of my family. We didn’t even have Easter this year because he ate the egg I bought for our son because he was naughty and I didn’t see the point in buying any more because he wouldnt be allowed them anyway. Hopefully my time away will give them time to decide what to do with the house, finding a rental on my low income would be tough but doa ke. Take care xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I feel so sad fir you and your son. Please contact WA, they can get you out of this situation. My mum is no longer with me, hardly spent any time with my parents over the years,even when she was dying, despite the very close proximity, don’t waste any more time placating this manchild.
It takes enormous strength to live with abuse, but something one day will give.
Stay safe IWMB 💞💞

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