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Meeting him outside (detail removed by moderator) to talk.
Don’t know what I want. I want peace. But I do love him. Married a few years. Second marriage long gap between. All children grown up. We have some good times together, But I can’t live with his shouting and rage at me, sometimes over small things. Is triggered easily slighted probably has n**********c personality disorder undiagnosed.He’s successful and charming.He left (detail removed by moderator) ago. after I asked him to leave after attacking me (detail removed by moderator) But pushed me when I got up to move away from him and he grabbed and pulled my (detail removed by moderator) dragged me on bed a bit before leaving to sleep in spare room.
Regular shouting at me. More recent violence,)maybe (detail removed by moderator) grabbing and holding my face, pulling me by my arms to pin me down (detail removed by moderator), hold me still. Blocking me leaving etc.
Never de-escalates a normal small disagreement / argument, to preserve our relationship, seems to use it or feel so slighted that it’s as excuse to escalate into a row.
During row stage I do shout back these days and stand up for myself, sometimes name call which I know I shouldn’t but I’m so frustrated by that point that there’s been blame and (detail removed by moderator) accusations. He then stonewalls me for hours but doesn’t then talk and resolve, just at best (detail removed by moderator).Angry at first after leaving, unable to talk on phone a few days in and hear my grievances without shouting and blaming me. He sounds threatening, (detail removed by moderator). But last (detail removed by moderator) he has sought therapy and is promising to change.
Admitting his behaviours are abusive now.
Says he needs to come back home as can’t stay (detail removed by moderator) anymore. I don’t know what to do.If we split up I would like to take over the mortgage and buy him out which I might be able to with difficulty, But he has said what he chooses to do if we split up (detail removed by moderator). So won’t give me an idea if he would agree to that. It makes me think it’s going to get worse for me.
He says (detail removed by moderator) he’s taking the first steps at being aware and getting therapy. I have pointed out yes it’s a first step but there be a whole lot more work to do.
Just don’t know whether to let him back home or not. Maybe doing so will cement my mind. Although I think he will be charming for a while.
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Hi Skyfall
My honest opinion? Do not get back together with him so that you can work on your relationship. Put your energy into working on yourself to help you recover.
Despite what he says, you have no proof that he is accessing counselling.
My ex also admitted that he was abusive and told me that he was getting anger management counselling. He went through an elaborate charade, leaving the house to get his therapy. The whole thing was a lie. He never went to a single session. I now suspect he was cheating on me when he should have been at counselling.
Having admitted to abuse, rape and coercive control in an attempt to get me to stay with him, he now denies everything.
If he is genuinely sorry for what he has done, he won’t be making veiled threats about what might happen if you divorce him. Genuine remorse would look very different.
If you take him back now, he’ll love bomb you until he knows he has you, then the abuse will be worse than ever because this time he will be vengeful.
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundie Bancroft. It will help you to understand what he is doing. xx
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Thank you. I have already bought and read the book. Its a real help with my thinking and the early signs there.
I have learnt that couples therapy won’t help him/us as it takes the spotlight off him needing to change. A DV course may help him. But doubt he do it. I feel so ashamed we couldn’t make this work. Such an investment involving families.
I can’t tell anyone yet.
Don’t know what he’s saying.
He’s still angry with me for not being the compassionate person he thought I was. When we met up I just asked why he’s violent/ screams at me He doesn’t seem to understand what he’s done to me. I’m walking around like a zombie.
He later sent a note that hes sorry and now knows what it does to victims and he’s sorry. Think he was referring to my childhood, clearly doesn’t see me as a victim or survivor from his shouting/ intimidation and violence.
I don’t know what will happen. Having nightmares and panic attacks. Feel my life has been shattered. Have no one where we moved to but maybe that’s a good thing as I’m private and can try and heal first.
Keep thinking about him coming back, but it just sends me over the edge with anxiety. -
It’s such a massive step to recognise abuse. Well done, Skyfall.
I loved my ex husband. I fell in love with his false self. Abusers are like the invisible man, and create their visibility through patches of other people. There’s nothing behind the facade.Abusers are profoundly damaged, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. The False Self develops early in life, and it’s nothing to do with us.
Abuse can happen to anyone, and abusers behave like heat-seeking missiles to find their victims. His behaviour is nothing to do with you, and he’ll move on to the next person and the next. He’s angry with you that you’re beginning to recognise his behaviour. He is extremely unlikely to change. You can’t unbreak an egg or unmake a cake. The behaviour is baked in. There isn’t evidence that perpetrator courses are effective. It seems that they may be effective in making abusers better at abusing, if anything.
Please seek help and support from Women’s Aid. Your GP will be able to help you with the anxiety, and if you’re looking at therapy or counselling, you will want someone who understands trauma.
Please record every interaction you have with this man. It helps if you communicate through the written word only.
It’s really worth reporting the behaviour to the police. It’s their duty to keep people safe, and you shouldn’t live in fear and dread.
None of this is your fault, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. The early days of splitting up are terrifying and dangerous, so please don’t do it alone, or feel alone. There are lots of people and organisations who will support and hold you through these difficult times.
Abusers live in an alternative reality, and their ‘truth’ doesn’t follow the evidence. Hard as it is, you, as everyone else who has endured abuse, have to accept that we’ve been conned, and have been sucked into a great big fat lie. Their truth is transient, so when he says he’s sorry, he’s not sorry for what he’s done; he’s sorry he’s been found out. When he says he’s seeking help, it’s to placate you, to draw you back.
If you have to see him in person, don’t discuss anything important. He will twist and manipulate you.
Rights of Women is a really good resource.
You will get through this. Baby steps. Keep posting x
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Thank you.
That’s helpful. He says his therapist says it’s both of us and only isolated abuse to me so it must be something about me/ in our relationship that makes him react this way. Whatever he’s told them. Just explained it as it gets physical I think. That made me feel angry. As remember things quite happening early on. -
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Don’t listen to a word he tells you about what his ‘therapist’ says. My ex went to see a therapist. Bad move. I think he was rumbled, learned the language, and projected his problems onto me. The only thing that’s Both of You, is that you’ve been together. In my experience, most therapists don’t understand abuse, nor do they understand trauma, even if they say they do. His behaviour is nothing to do with you. He may say that you provoke him. No. His provocation is internal. You’re his current target. It’s not you.
You’re right to feel angry. He’s trying to find ways to blame you because you’ve clocked him. It’s a horrible and vulnerable situation to be in.
My ex used me as a sex toy from the outset. I felt sorry for him and thought it would change. It didn’t. He was waving red flags all over the place, but I didn’t understand. You can’t know what you don’t know, and you can’t unsee what you’ve seen.
If you can’t go No Contact, please go Grey Rock. You really don’t need to know how he’s getting on with his flying monkey ‘therapist’ -
I agree. He’ll be lying about what his therapist said. Mine phoned RESPECT and told me they had said (removed by moderator). When I made a formal complaint to RESPECT, they investigated and told me that he hadn’t given me an accurate account of the conversation and that he had manipulated me – in other words, he was lying.
At the time I was shocked that he could tell such out and out lies. In hindsight I understand it was his normal modus operandi.
Abusers lie. Megan Trainor has an excellent song; “I know you’re lying, your lips are moving.” She must have met an abusive man!
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Thank you.
Time is going by quickly. Been on my own(detail removed by moderator) now. Helps that he has to travel too. What a waste it seems. Shouting at me every week, what did he think would happen? That I’d put up with it? Time apart is certainly shocked him. First angry now begging then angry again with any weak moment I have ready to blame me, ask for compassion, forgiveness.Has anyone ever gone down the route of just doing the divorce and financial settlement themselves? Without solicitor, getting him to agree the draft first?
It will just cost so much going down the solicitor route. I have a reasonable paid job so can’t get help. I’ll be lucky to manage to stay in our home and try and pay him off.
What a waste. If only we could have controlled his temper for the sake of preserving our relationship.
I feel so ashamed it has come to this. He has such a lovely family, I will miss them. -
I’d recommend using a solicitor, even if you have to take a loan. Some solicitors will allow you to use a payment plan.
Abusers are incredibly manipulative. When you divorce an abusive man, the advice is to skip mediation as mediators can and often are manipulated by the abuser.
He will be vengeful over your leaving and he’ll do what he can to destroy you. He’ll have the shirt off your back and plunge you into poverty if he can.
Solicitors are expensive but you’ll probably save money in the long run, especially if you can find one that specialises in abuse cases.
More often than not, the abuser ends up with the family home – it’s just another way they control and punish you so consider finding yourself a new place, somewhere that you can make your own and that has no echos of abuse hovering around. New life, new home, a place that your abuser can’t find you and has never set foot in is a real comfort. xx
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Baby steps, Skyfall. In the first instance, it’s important to get professional support, both emotionally and legally. Please don’t go through this alone.
It will take a while to disentangle yourself. Rights of Women is a brilliant resource. You can also get free legal advice from Citizen’s Advice, and possibly from your local Women’s Aid. The Court Said has lots of helpful information about how to prepare your case.It’s so frightening and shocking at the beginning. You’re not alone. There’s so much to learn and understand. Just keep making those tiny steps. One day you’ll look back at your travels and appreciate the view!
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Thank you. I am feeling just so confused.
Met him once and spoke once on phone, both times I was quietly angry and cautious but it’s weird, he’s either trying to point out I’m suffering , need looking after. (But I point out it’s because of him, nothing else.)
Or he loses his temper because he says I misunderstand what he’s said. This is out in public. One meet-up. Even though he says he’ll do anything. (But can’t not shout?)
Now, (detail removed by Moderator) hours later inviting me out with his family so ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’. – what an odd thing to say, I can’t get my head around things.He seems weirdly resigned to our separation and I feel like I’m forever trying to get him to see/admit his abuse/shouting/ violence. He does for a moment, then turns.
I just can’t believe he has ruined everything. I miss not doing normal things with him.I feel like I’m going crazy. -
I have been feeling very much like you. I am depressed and crying so much, anxiety is constant and definitely worse in the mornings. I have been married decades and (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago life was dandy until I started to suspect infidelity, he confessed and said it was just words by text. For the past (detail removed by Moderator) weeks I have been in total shock and his behaviour has become extremely abusive day in day out. I retreated to another part of the house. He has taunted me regarding the womens beauty compared to mine and called me countless vile names. He started therapy (detail removed by Moderator) and told me the therapist agreed with him that I was to blame for his infidelities !!! Obviously I know that is rubbish but what hurts is the fact that this man who is meant to be my protector is smashing my life to pieces, it hurts so much.
I have involved the police as the name calling was sick and abusive and (detail removed by Moderator) was D Day for me, I will never ever go back with him again. Years of abusive comments, cruel put downs, gritting teeth in my face when I refused to be obedient. He is a covert N********t and I have all the symptoms of ptsd. I am arranging a std test (detail removed by Moderator), house is going on the market and I am going to learn my rights. I am crumbling and some days my legs feel like they are going to give out on me but I am going to be free. I hope this helps you somewhat to know you are not alone x -
Dr Ramini explained that all abusers are narc*ssists, but not all nar*s are abusers. I don’t understand why we shouldn’t use the word. After all, it’s not a medical diagnosis but a description of behaviour.
Oh Skyfall, he’s really playing you. Every interaction you have with him will be to your detriment. Abusers live in an alternative reality. They live in the moment. What comes out of their mouth one moment may well contradict what comes out a moment later. It doesn’t make sense to a normal person.As you understand more about the patterns of abuse, you’ll probably notice that right from the beginning of the relationship he was waving red flags around all over the place. We can’t know what we don’t know, and we can’t unsee what we see.
None of this is your fault, and abuse can happen to anyone. Please don’t try to make him understand his behaviour. He won’t, and you will only be left feeling angry and frustrated. He can’t accept responsibility, and it will always be someone else’s fault. He will also blame you, and make your life even more miserable. Please try to have as little contact with him as possible. No in person meetings, no verbal conversations. It’s a horrible and frightening time. Abusers don’t get better. If anything, they get better at abusing.
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Thank you.
I had my first meeting with solicitor and the follow-up advice letter. What is stopping me from proceeding. I am paralysed, scared of the stress ahead, but also ashamed it’s over and regretful that I couldn’t save it. I know I could save it by just giving in and “moving on” as he often says, but no problem ever gets resolved they just become a mixture of blame and twisting and negating my experience. He cannot apologise without blame. He cannot hear me and how I feel.I just can’t believe it’s over, the good parts. I love him still. I love his family.
I have no idea what any of them think. He has told them all he says that we are having problems and he’s moved out.He can’t seem to stay with an apology for his behaviours. Shouting, intimidation and holding me down.
I still can’t bring myself to tell anyone. I feel so ashamed.
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Thank you. It’s so traumatic and confusing. Have felt like a zombie these past several weeks. I wish he could’ve at least heard my pain about what he had caused without rejection or accusing me of criticism.
Feel so low and worried about how he will try to ruin me further financially and emotionally.
Think he will go ballistic for my citing his unreasonable behaviour in divorce. Is it possible for him to reject it?
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These men hear our pain but simply don’t care and blame us for causing it. If you have cited unreasonable behaviour he can dispute it if he wants to but he’s going to make this process as difficult as he can anyway so just stick to the legal advice. Try not to worry about what may happen, you need that energy to deal with whatever is actually presented to you. I wasted so much energy worrying about stuff I had no control over x
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Filled for divorce. He has received it and gone mad post love bombing me over messages. His rage is frightening. I did not even cite the worst of abuse. He tells me I’m a liar, that I have taken his love and abused it. Feel so scared of what might come next.
He sounds so twisted and just glad I’m not in the same living space.
So odd when you love and are scared of someone’s anger. So upsetting that he’s more worried about others knowing (Just solicitor).
Called me awful names. I feel don’t know who he is. Why is he not worried about what I think of him and what he’s done? Of his harmful behaviours?
I feel so much shame.Like I’m going mad. I still can’t tell many people. Keep thinking he’ll come to his senses. Have a bang on the head and see things clearly and be sorry. -
Hi Skyfall,
He’s acting as predicted. He has lost control and can no longer manipulate you. He does not respect your new found strength and values, he loathes them and it enrages him. He is now in the Revenge Cycle so expect – Rage, Retaliation, Revenge.
He is sounding twisted because he is twisted. Does he think that calling you names is going to make you want him more? No, he is doing this to try and destroy you again, to break you down to nothing so that he can then apologise and give you some care to build you back up again so that you rely on him for the reassurance. It’s called Alternating Punishment and Reward. Make and Break.
Perhaps he is now worried that he is going to be seen for who he is. The behaviours you have described for your reason to divorce he will of course deny, he will project those behaviours back as your behaviours. All of this conflict does make us doubt ourselves, but we are not mad, we are not going mad, if we step aside from the situation and look at it we really can see what is happening, it’s just that we can’t quite believe it is, and this is where the Cognitive Dissonance comes in to play. We really don’t want to see the reality of the situation.
He’s not going to come to his senses, he’s not going to be truly sorry. He may be sorry for how this has ended up for him, but that is not the same as being sorry for his behaviours to you. The stronger and more empowered you get will not make him respect you more, you are not going to become equals. He doesn’t want you strong and happy and equal because then you are a threat to him. If you are strong and happy and equal then he cannot be in control.
You don’t have to tell everyone what is happening. Choosing to keep some things private because you want it to be private is different to saying nothing because you feel shame. You really have nothing to feel ashamed of but I do understand how those feelings come about and if that’s how you feel then that’s how you feel. Please also feel proud too, proud that you have stood up for your own values and beliefs and that you are taking back control so that you can be treated how you want to be treated. Don’t expect him to change for the better though, you need to get realistic on that front. The only changes he will make will be for the worst.
xx
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Thank you. That’s really helpful.
This has been such a helpful place to let off thoughts and feelings. Thank you 🙏I have just been learning about malignant n********m. Dr Ramani on you tube is so brilliant. It fits perfectly. The physical abuse, the pleasure and laughing in mocking me cruelty whilst hurting or making me suffer or struggle when trying to leave or overpowering me, holding me down, kicking my things, watching my distress. He also describes enjoyment and looking forward to very stressful acrimonious meetings/ deals & work situations.
It’s something I hadn’t been able to link or understand until now. It’s quite a sadistic cruelty. I actually feel sad for him. He sometimes seems like a little boy.
What has kept me going is thinking divorce and separate as a way to then potentially have a relationship on a more even footing so I can see what his intentions actually are.
But luckily this is becoming less of a possibility as he just lets me see more of who he is which is unnerving.It’s been such a confusing relationship. Full of love but also fear. It had reached the point where it has been difficult to value my self and life. But although it may get a whole lot worse I am half way out now.
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