Should I let sleeping dogs lie?

[diymum@1]

Hi all,

Im having nightmares on occasion and in my dream I get a letter saying my ex is going back to court to get access to my daughter. I was actually sent a letter saying he could do this at any point until she is 16 but it is highly unlikely due to her current age he wouldnt stand a chance. You know these men they don’t give up so it constantly sits at the back of my mind. I know also at the moment he has a clean disclosure, I reported (detail removed by moderator) incidents decades and he got an absolute discharge each time. He spent one night in a cell and was then released.

Im now sitting here looking at the Disclosure Scheme doc for Domestic Abuse. I know he is doing a college course at present and hopes to join the care sector :S a very worrying prospect, if he completes it!

Should I add him to the disclosure scheme? I do have evidence ie police reports.Do they contact you? has anyone had experience of this?

I don’t here from him at all he knows I would contact the police if he came near me my chid or my home. Would this be of benefit? or should I leave well alone? If im going to do this im thinking about prosecuting for the historical abuse too, I may as well do this right. My conscience is playing on me and im obviously always guarding myself and my child no matter what. I always put safety measures in place just in case. Paranoid as that is I wont take any chances with this guy, ive learned my lesson. Maybe fear is stopping me acting on this ? Ive been thinking about this for ages xx

Best wishes
DIY

[maddog]

I think you have things you need to get off your chest. It is certainly worth reporting domestic abuse. It is so important to feel believed. It may help to phone WA or Victim Support for advice. The Domestic Abuse part of the police may be able to advise you too.

Although what your ex gets up to is not your business, what has happened to you and your own experiences certainly are.

[diymum@1]

ThankS MD :),

WA in my home town know me very well. They are so over stretched. You always feel there are other people more deserving of their help. I have a police officer in the family I could ask. Still after all this time im scared to act in case I cause another ventdetta, especially for the sake of my kids xx Fear is a powerful and paralysing emoton. Thanks for your reply think im best to deal with this after chrimbo 🙂 xx DIY

[Iwantmeback]

Hi DIY, I’m sure with any disclosure forms everything is taken into account. They also look into your family’s background too if I remember correctly. Definately ask the officer within your family, they could make discreet enquiries possibly. This is another of those ripple effects even after you’re out and think he can’t reach you anymore😔

Good luck
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

I think you should consider the further anxiety this will bring. Will he find out. What will the repercussions be. I could do it now but when I was having nightmares and anxiety attacks this would have floored me with worry. There will come a time when you’re stronger and ready to face anything he throws back at you. I fear you’re not quite there yet. Nothing to stop you exploring the options. You might be able to report him anonymously. However he will blame you anyway x

[diymum@1]

Thanks for the replies, I really needed the advice as I’m not sure I’m seeing this very clearly. Can’t see the woods for the trees. I’m going to take this advice, I will look into it. If I here he’s going to be working with vulnerable people I’ll act then. Yeh if I’m being honest I’m talking about going to uni to do the trauma counselling course. I actually need counselling for me first. I’ve not faced up to all of this yet, I’ve come last, we always put our wee ones first and partner. Your right KIP even looking up all that police scotland info made me feel anxious and I’ll. Anything that involves him makes my joints flare up, literally. Thanks again ladies, Tbh I would be worried he came after me, it sounds dramatic but I honestly think he’s crazy enough to attack me in the street, I’m really ware of crossing the roads,if he could get away with it I know he would kill me xx 💕 💕 is this real or do I maybe have PTSD?Xx

[KIP.]

I know I was extremely paranoid in the early days. Was on high anxiety for a good couple years. I was told by many people that he wouldn’t come back for me but they didn’t see the red mist. I would always say trust your gut. He has shown you his true colours. It’s a thin line between true fear and extreme paranoia. All I can say is it’s been a few years now and although I don’t have that high anxiety, I’m still very aware of his total lack of remorse and empathy. I think I was so determined to change the system that I forgot to look after myself. Remember the oxygen on the plane. Make sure you put your own mask on before you help others. There will come a time when you have no fear. When your self esteem and confidence return then nothing will stop you ✊️

[diymum@1]

Yeh KIP that’s where I’ve been at determined to help change things. I still want to more tHan ever. But yes somewhere down the line I forgot about me. I’ve been looking at the way you can raise awareness, I was thinking I’d really have to do that anonymously unless I move address. I suppose we need to be realistic and more over safe. My gut tells me to still be fearful, Yeh definitely not just paranoia xx 💕 💕 DIY ✌

[diymum@1]

Anonymous freedom fighters our girls above 😊💕❤💪

[freedomtochoose]

Hello DIY mum
I don’t know if this helps but some see fear as a gift.
It has helped keep you safe so far.
There is a buddhist meditation that might help with anxiety
it is on the Tara Brach website – it is the Tong len practice.
She says that you can do the meditation through the lens of grief but also
through the lens of fear.
All best
ftc
x

[diymum@1]

Thanks FTC, I’ve never really looked in to mediation before. I will take a look at that ☺I think your right fear puts us on high alert,we preempt what will happen but I’m guilty of catastrophysing. I’m not really someone who does anything by half’s, (probably my down fall) Once I’m on I’m all in! These stages though for me just keep coming round and round. I can be really angry but then that can fuel my relentlessness to sort situations. When I’m scared like most people I get the FOG still to this day. DV is so so complex and the recovery has many dynamics. Anyway I will try anything if it helps. A diagnosis of something would help,something I need to address into the new year. Thanks FTC💪💕💕diy

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