Should I meet up with my ex??

[littlemisshope]

Hi all, I am new to this forum. I was with my OH for (detail removed by moderator) years (married for (detail removed by moderator)), I always knew there were lots of things wrong in our relationship, but never really understood how bad it was until I left it. Hopefully this makes sense to some of you? I left my OH in (month removed by moderator) after he very unexpectedly phsycially assulted me in front of our daughter one night. He had always been verbally agressive, and I think a part of me often wondered if it would ever some to this. Since I have left I have realised he is a complete narcisist, and I have been a victim of emotional, financial, and verbal abuse for many years. I have to admit I feel like a fool for not doing something about this earlier, I can’t believe how blind I have been. Anyway, since I left I have seen my ex only in passing when he picks up/drops off our daughter. He was cautioned by the police and was made to access some support sessions, he was also told to do this by his workplace too. He now claims he is a changed person, and really wants us to meet 1:1 so he can talk to me about what happened, and I can say what I need to say. He is very unpredictable so I am suspicious, plus he knows me so well he knows that if we meet face to face he will say all the right things, and make me feel all emotional and probably guilty that I have ended it. I will never go back to him, and I don’t feel like I need my mental health to be affected by listening to what he has to say. He won’t stop going on about this though, and I know until I agree to meet him he won’t give it up. He has started seeing someone and seemed annoyed that I didn’t react badly to this. My friends and family think he is still seeing the seperation as a ‘blip’ and that he knows he’s losing, so he is trying whatever he can. Does anyone have any advice? I have put him off until after xmas so far. thanks for reading xx

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. The answer is no but you already know that. There is a good book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Please read it. It will explain his behaviour including triangulation with another woman. They think it will make us jealous and we will come running back. I’m sure it works in some cases but by the time my ex played that card, I was so determined to get out of the relationship. Any contact at all is toxic. My advice would be to use a third party for handover and have zero direct contact. You know if you meet up he will simply abuse you further. He will dump all his rubbish on your door. Leaving him feeling satisfied and happy and leaving you feeling hurt and confused. And probably guilty. They are relentless so you need to be determined in your refusal for contact. You could consider a non molestation order if he persists in contact. These men never change, so don’t fall for his nonsense. It’s simply just another tactic. Don’t be hard on yourself. As victims we live in a FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt. These men are expert manipulators. They know exactly what they are doing. They are cheater and liars so don’t believe a word he says. They are also very dangerous when they lose control so don’t trust him. Don’t be alone with him and have something legal in place regarding your child so he cannot keep her x

[Ayanna]

I strongly advise against meeting him.
What he does is harassment.
Rather report him to the police for harassing you and get a non molestation order in place.

[Iwantmeback]

I wouldn’t meet up with him. It’ll be all about him, how’s he’s changed, how it’s your fault, if you hadn’t done this he wouldn’t have done that, ad nauseum.
We’re not you though, so if you choose to meet up with him, expect the worst, expect to be made to feel guilty, expect him to cry and vamp up the manipulation, playing on your compassion. Don’t feel guilty if you do meet him though. But if you can possibly avoid it, tell him one final time that no means no, do it but text or email, that way you have a paper trail so to speak, and threaten him with police if he continues to harass you, and follow it through. So long as you aren’t seen as retaliating t*t for tat, you’ll have grounds for a non harassment or non molestation orders. Even years later we still crave the happy ever after. Remember all the times he made you feel worthless, useless, called you vile names and worse. Let those feelings be your guide.

IWMB 💕💕

[littlemisshope]

Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate x

[diymum@1]

Hi there littlemisshope,

I read that if you write all the bad stuff that he has said and done in the past, you can refer to it if you feeling unsure,about anything really. Its there in black and white. Its a bit like an affirmation, so helps to think with our heads not our hearts xx

[diymum@1]

you know id actually like to correct myself there its not our hearts making the decision its our trauma bonds! xx so misunderstood and not the same thing x

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