Should I reply?

[Brave]

Hello, I’ve not been on here for a while, which is a good thing, I guess. I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship a number of months ago and am gradually building a new life in a new place. I had my first ever Christmas Day on my own and enjoyed the peace and quiet very much. It was my choice and it felt good.

But I’m back looking for support and advice now. I requested only email contact when I left and that has been adhered to, thankfully. All business-like messages to do with trying to agree a settlement. Until a few days ago, when I got an email from him, saying he doesn’t know why I left, that there is no closure for him. That he has learnt a lot and is probably a different person. A few digs at me about the way I left. There is no question asked, no reason given for sending the message. Some of it just does not make sense and looks like it’s been lifted from a website. There is no apology or regret or taking of responsibility (of course). It has, unfortunately, sent me into a spin of confusion and anger. I have made a very specific list of reasons why I left, but at the moment I have not replied. Part of me thinks that I should reply, with a list of reasons, so that he has it there in black and white (but is that what one might do with a “normal” person, not an abuser?), and part of me thinks it is just lies and manipulation (and him playing the victim card) and that I should just ignore it.

I have a feeling I know what the right thing to do is, but would welcome your input.

Wishing you all as much peace as is possible at this time.

Brave
xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Brave,
My advice for what it’s worth is to ignore it and not reply. It has clearly got a rise out of you and triggers the need to respond and put things straight. In my experience you never will – you can’t reason with these people they just don’t think the same way. I’m a logical person but gave up trying to reason with this a long time ago. You know the truth and that’s all that matters. Focus on you not it.
Sure write a reply but don’t send it, delete it, burn it, post it on here – whatever works for you. But NEVER reply it will just open the floodgates for more pointless hurtful garbage as it learns what will get you to respond and feed its ego by doing so. Its so draining to do nothing but I learned the hard way.
The required contact to get logistics sorted came to an end with me and then it started thrashing about sending lies and more manipulative messages to get me to give it more oxygen. No more.
Best of luck whatever you decide xx

[KIP.]

No I wouldn’t reply but I would change contact to texts only and buy a cheap mobile for that only. He’s pushing for more contact to continue his abuse. You need to close that down. Block his emails or send them straight to spam and use texts where you can look at it when you want and switch it off the rest of the time. If he continues to discuss anything else then use a third party for contact?

[Brave]

Many thanks for your replies, Kilngirl and KIP. I found it helpful to make a big long list of reasons why I left and as you say, that is enough. Best not to send it. I am still tempted to send a reply with a link to the description of emotional abuse on the Relate website though.. Which I read out to him before I left. Again, I’m guessing you will say not to even do this. I hate how all this affects me so much, when I felt I was doing well. It shows I have still a long way to go with healing. Seeing a counsellor now, which is very helpful.
Re using text only, KIP, thanks for suggesting. Email has worked fine so far, and we still have finances etc to sort out, so I think I will stick with it. Just need to gather my strength again.
Thanks again for your support.

Brave
Xx

[Anonymous]

There is loads of free advice out there about drawing agreements up. Don’t let it drag it out.
I wouldn’t send the link either. You might as well send a link to a carrot cake recipe for all the good it will do it. It will just let it see it’s got to you and you have to find a way to rise above that. Keep your grief and anger out of its radar.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through x

[diymum@1]

when your in a spin do nothing _ delete what youve written or even archive it and dont respond to him. he wants an emotional response and like a vampire they feed off knowing theyve upset you. when you have to reply to him id say and back to what needs to be dealt with. just to reiterate your not tolerating like KIP says id change it to a pay as you go phone and get a third party to deal with the texts you can have your input through the person you trust to hold the phone and they deal with him xx that way he will have no options – he wont be able to emotionally abuse or manipulate you xx

[Brave]

Many thanks for the advice and support. Especially the bit about the carrot cake recipe, Kilngirl, that made me laugh, which is always a good thing! (and got the point across). I’ll certainly consider getting messages filtered through a third party, that is a good idea. Always helpful to have a backup plan. It’s frustrating not to be making progress with sorting financial and legal things, because of the time of year. I’ll just have to be patient and get back to it all with renewed strength in the New Year.

Brave
xx

[fizzylem]

Hi Brave, looks like youve had some great answers to help you. My only thought was responding may show him that you still care what he thinks – that he can still get you to bite – he knows why you left and if he doesn’t then screw him – it’s his issue – pretty sure he left you in the dark hundreds of times when you were looking for answers hey – ignoring your thoughts and feelings – which is utterly dreadful to live with isn’t it – so maybe now its his turn to deal with that lol – if he really doesnt know that it is.

You know why you left and that’s what’s important here – if it wasn’t already clear in your mind then it is now you’ve written the list! So it was worth doing just for your own clarity – it no doubt gave you the space to express your anger too and process things a bit more – so gave you what you needed.

By not responding at all you are saying think what you like – I really don’t care – plus your’e not giving him an inklin at all into where you are now and what you think and feel – could feel completely self empowering to step away from the email x

[Brave]

Thank you so much for the replies and support. I do find writing things down very helpful to get things clear in my head – which is why posting on here helps too! I like the idea of self-empowering, fizzylem. Onwards and upwards!

Brave
xx

[diymum@1]

dont be afraid to take the reigns you have to with these men xx your nearly there xx love diymum

[Author]

Posts