Should I report this to the police?

[stillconflicted]

I have recently got out of an abusive relationship. I have not realised that my partners has been showing signs of abusive relationship, and just thought that all the incidents of verbal abuse are him having a bad temper. I never loose my temper or verbally or physically insulted him during such arguments.

He acted negatively (verbal abuse, blocking me on every social media and telling me that “this is it” then reaching out to me again) in a disproportionate way whenever I expressed to him that I want my private space or try to raise an issue about our relationship. He would then blame his verbal abuse on alcohol or winter mood swings, and promised me that he would not show similar behaviours anymore. Similar behaviours where he verbally abuse me or order me around in the house would stop for week or so before it occurs again. I felt a need to travel to his place all the time since he could get passive aggressive over texts and phone for no apparent reasons. He explains such behaviour as his ways of trying to gain attention from me, and said that my way of reaching out to him afterwards are either overly dramatic or not showing him enough concern. I have expressed to him that I do not like his way of “gaining attention” from me. I have tried to get out of the relationship but his apologies would make me believe that he needed my help and he is willing to recognise his toxic behaviours and improve. He would tell me that if he ever lashed out, it is him giving up on himself but not on me or us.

(detail removed by Moderator) I was sick and told him that I could no longer come over to his place. I later changed my mind and thought that he might want to see me, and therefore traveled to his place. I however felt like he did not want me to be there. I complained to my previous boyfriend (whom I talked to about academics and current relationships to sometimes) about such. Later at night, he was planning on taking my phone upstairs to me and saw my previous boyfriend’s reply. I apologised to him about lying to him about still being in contact with previous boyfriend. He wanted to go through the text messages. I explained to him that it was not sexual or romantic or flirty but I complained about him when I felt like I could not work things out in my current relationship. I later showed him the text messages and he got really mad when he saw that I complained to my previous boyfriend about him and that I did not defend him. I apologised and begged for a second chance. I admitted that it was wrong for me to lie to him about keeping in contact or complain about him to anyone, especially my ex boyfriend. I explained that the reason I did not defend him is because I was only looking to vent my emotions but not having a discussion about my current relationship issues. He went on to smash my phone into two pieces and chocked me (he did not exert much force though). He threw me out of his house at (detail removed by Moderator) even though I repeatedly begged him to let me stay until the next morning.

I sent him a text message to apologise the next day and he replied me more verbal abuse and racist texts messages. He later asked me to come over and promised that he would talk calmly. We talked calmly and he promised that he would be a bigger person and forgive me, and that he was sorry for how he reacted the night before. However, during the week of me staying over at his place, he constantly changed his mind on our relationship and would then threw tantrums or stop me from revising and tell me that I have not been making en effort to make up to him. The next couple days, he feel sick and his behaviour become more aggressive. He would verbally abused my degree, my upbringing, my country of origin and threatened me to throw me out of his house again. After he calmed down, he would apologised. Things got worse when he had a fever, where he would yelled at me to leave him alone and stopped me from making food for myself and him, then blame me for not taking care of him or showing him enough attention.

I left his place after a week of vicious cycle of verbal abuse then making up. And a day after i came back to my place, he started verbally abusing me through texts and phone again and refuse to admit that he have been showing a regular pattern of toxic behaviour or had done any wrong in smashing my phone and physically assaulting me. He claimed that if he has been showing any toxic behaviour, it is because that he had never think too highly of me and that Im a horrible person that bring out his bad sides. I tried not to aggravate him and told him that I am sorry that things had to escalate to this stage and lets just talk nicely and calmly to each other. He was nice for a day then started verbally abusing me again and telling me that I should make up to him by being submissive.

I did not address it and started to reach out to domestic abuse helpline to enquire whether or not my relationship had been an abusive one. Learning that I am most likely in one, I stopped picking up his calls. He would then send me verbal insults and tell me he wont talk to me ever again through texts whenever I ignore his messages. He reached out to me two days ago wishing to meet and I had a fear that meeting him in person would cause me more emotional harm so I did not reply his messages. He then told me that I am an idiot and he is done.

I understand that I have been an abusive relationship and I should prioritise my safety and stay away from him. But I still wish he could realise that he has been emotionally abusing me, and that his mentality is very dangerous. I am considering reporting the case to the police, but I would rather try to communicate to him about our abusive relationship in safe ways under supervision. Is there a way of achieving that?

[Malachite]

I haven’t had experience with police, but wanted to say well done for getting out! I’d say keep any evidence: save abusive texts and answer phone messages from him in case you do decide to report his behaviour.
I may be wrong, but it sounds like you’ve already communicated about his abusive behaviour – and this leads to the “cycle of abuse” where he behaves nicely for a week or so and then the next incident occurs. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to change.

I’d focus on staying safe, personally. Choking someone and destroying their phone is very violent. Verbal abuse and racism is also unacceptable. You don’t deserve this treatment, I’m sorry it happened to you. Can you get counselling at the uni you’re at?

[Dragonfly]

He’s abusive. He’s controlling. He’s in charge. Did he buy you a new phone? Probably not. He’s tried to do a round about apology but expects you to conform. He’s doing nothing but getting his needs met, getting his supply and dragging you down in the process. He’s choked you, he’s manipulated you, he’s verbally abusive to you. You deserve better. I would report it. It’s on record that way. But if you report it please don’t go back to him. The police will speak to him. He will react in whatever way he feels. Steer clear sweetheart, do your studies, you matter, do you have friends you can talk to? Abuse always gets worse.

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