Should I say it’s abuse?

[Purplecupcake]

Does anybody else minimise their own experience?

I’ve applied for a council house, but I feel guilty saying I’m trying to escape abuse since he isn’t physically abusive and I’m not in immediate danger. I even downplay the sexual abuse by telling myself that it doesn’t really count since he’s only ever raped me a few times.

I’m so done with this relationship and I really want to get out, for my kids sake, as well. I know I could get a place so much quicker if I say I’m escaping abuse.

Does it still count if the abuse is only emotional, and financial?

Does it still count as sexual abuse if it’s infrequent?

I can’t afford to rent privately so not sure if I should change my application to say I’m escaping abuse ?

[tryingtosleep]

Hi Purplecupcake – yes of course – I’m sure people often do. My husband raped me years ago – but I chose to ignore it. It only got brought up recently in a counselling session – I’m still struggling to accept it really happened. It’s really hard to accept these things actually happen to you. It’s a lot easier to pretend it didn’t.

But you need to look after yourself. Being raped even once is not ok – never mind a few times. And it’s not ok for your kids either. I would say that you are in immediate danger. Rape is a form of sexual violence – a very serious one.

Rapecrisis.org.uk – has a lot of helpful information if you need to find out more.

Good luck!

[Mellow]

Hi I’m replying based on my story basically I was in your position and really wanted to leave my family home but it got to a point where the stress of the abuse hurt me physically not him.it was the side effects of abuse it got so bad I was hospitalised and had panic attacks because the abuse got worse just so you know in my situation it was more emotional than physical but the abuse was so blatant I couldn’t take it no more he was ringing women in my face really disrespecting me in my own home he thought cause I’d had a baby recently that I wouldn’t leave he got so comfortable he even started saying it.and at one point said he owned me he even tried to abuse me financially it got so bad I started to feel robotic like I was possessed as he said jump I said how high I now know this was a trauma bond I went to great lengths to give him money which he was spending on another woman it was so bad my  (removed by moderator) died and he took from him. and be so awful about it as if he deserved it I was disgusted he also wasn’t there for me emotionally what he showed me did not feel real anyway I’m waffling….I went to council I didn’t dAre say I’d been abused so I went through a support worker as I started feeling it was genuine abuse she started telling me it wasn’t all in my head as my ex regularly said it was all in my head and she told me the behaviour is not love I knew then I had to leave I was already on the list as I already had put an application in with no help i then got awarded priority banding and I ring them again as my circumstances changed and I left .it’s important you keep them updated about what’s going on so they know your waiting and I even got allocated another support worker what dealt only with my case of homelessness .don’t be afraid you only need to tell them basics if you get a support worker they can help you do the social housing and liase with council

[Mellow]

And just so you know my life has changed for the better since I have a good job car and more money all which I wasn’t allowed or belittled for doing which would make me stop I look after my kids I’m very proud of myself for how far I’ve come I still need to heal more but I’m in. Better place now.

[maddog]

Oh PurpleCupCake, it sounds horrible. My ex husband raped me as well. Abusers treat us as objects, as me might use a toaster. Consent isn’t a thing.

While you’re planning your escape, keep records of interactions with this man. Women’s Aid should be able to support you through this. Rape Crisis is also brilliant. It’s important to tell the people who are involved in both your own and the children’s lives, so any school, gp etc.

It’s really important that you don’t speak to your partner about your plans.

This relationship is abusive. I understand what you mean when you say that you’re not in immediate danger. I believed that too. Abusers don’t always want to kill us although they will destroy our souls. What they need is power and control.

Your local police on 101 may have a Domestic Abuse team who can refer you and the children to local services. I don’t think it’s all police services. Def worth a try. It’s such a difficult time. Tread carefully and use as many resources as you can. You can escape this hideous situation. It sounds as though you’ve normalised it, as we do. You’re not alone.

Please reach out to the professionals to support you in your escape. Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. Baby steps. You’ll get there.

[maddog]

Even though it’s unlikely that the rapes will result in a prosecution, it may help to report to police. He’ll rape the next woman and the one after that. It took me decades to report a specific rape and the same for my ex husband.

I know that my ex has raped other women, and I know he’s sexually assaulted women. It’s impossible to tell if and why anyone will log these incidents with the police. We paff these things off and normalise them. It’s not normal.

There’s support also for financial abuse.

Understanding Domestic Abuse is a bitter pill to swallow. We can’t know what we don’t know, and then we can’t unsee it. The Freedom Programme is really good. Domestic Abuse is far more complex than being mashed to a pulp at knife point and being continuously raped.

There will be times when we’re treated well, then the mask slips. You can’t negotiate with an abuser. These are very damaged people and their behaviour is a defence mechanism. We can’t change that. Their personality was formed as children and when you feel as though you’re dealing with a man-child, you probably are.

There’s lots of help and support out there and free counselling. Victim Support is a good resource.

Although you don’t think that you’re in physical danger, please take your situation seriously. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. So do your children.

[Lisa]

Hi Purplecupcake,

I can see you have had quite a few helpful responses to your post. Please do not feel what you are experiencing does not warrant specialist help and advocacy because it certainly does.

It may be helpful for you to speak to your local domestic abuse service, as they can help you approach the council to make you a priority need to be rehoused due to the abuse. From what you have expressed, you and your children are at risk remaining in the property with him, so do not hesitate to make a domestic abuse worker aware of what is happening.

Ask your local domestic abuse service to talk you through the option of possibly going into a refuge/safe house with your children as well, to see if it is suitable for you. A refuge is a safe house which offers temporary accommodation for women and their children. There are refuges throughout the UK which provide a place of safety for any woman who needs to escape abuse, married or single, with or without children. There is a full breakdown of refuge accommodation along with frequently asked questions here.

I hope you have received the validation and assurance here, that what you are experiencing is domestic abuse and that you and your children deserve all the help you can get from the specialist services mentioned above.

Do take care and keep posting when you can to let us know how you are.

Lisa

[Author]

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