Should I tell him he’s abusive?

[Purplecupcake]

About (detail removed by Moderator) ago my partner raped me. He’s acting like everything is still great which makes me think that he doesn’t realise what he did. Since it happened my partner has tried to have sex with me, I’ve managed to evade it so far but every time I say no he gets more annoyed.

Should I tell him that it’s because he raped me? I don’t really know if I should say it or if it will make the situation worse?

Even if he did sincerely apologise, would I then need to call him out on all his other abusive behaviours? I’ve tried to talk to him about the emotional and financial abuse in the past but he either denies it happened or makes excuses, and sometimes even twists it so far that I end up apologising to him for his abuse.

(detail removed by Moderator) after refusing sex again, he asked if I wanted him to move out. I said no at the time. Now I’m worried that I am manipulating him by saying no, but really I think I should be the one to move out.

Should I tell him, or should I wait until I have secured a new place to move into?

We have two children together so I want to make it all as least distressing as I can for them.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Purplecupcake… I felt so sad for you.. Reading your post…
Your partner knows what rape is, he is a fully grown adult.. also you get a sense when your partner wants sex, it shouldn’t be expected as and when.

I advise not to talk to your partner, speak to Womans Aid, a trusted GP… there’s help out there.

You saying no to sex.and him asking if you want him to leave is a tactic, he won’t be going anywhere, he is trying to manipulate and coerce you into sex. Your partner will not talk about his abusive behaviours because he doesn’t see any probelm with himself..he knows what he is doing and is choosing to treat you and your children however he wants, this is typical abuser behaviours. Does he give you the silent treatment and the tension builds? Mine used to do that and it caused me/children so much anxiety.

A good book to start with is Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven as it explains different types of abuse. I was with my abusive husband for far too long and I had minimised his abuse… I have since read up on DA/DV and that has helped me.

Big hugs, you are not alone
HfH ❤️

[BlueberryField]

Before I used to be scared to call him out on his abusive behaviours so he wouldn’t get even more abusive, but now I do. I do tell him when he’s being manipulative or tell him his toxic behaviour. He either denies it or says that I’m crazy. There was an occasion when he slapped me before while he was drunk and he was telling things that he was imagining would happen in the future and he got so angry and slapped me when I literally was silent the whole time. When he was sober I talked to him about it, the response I received was “oh it was only a light slap it didn’t leave a bruise it’s fine.” Instead of just saying sorry. I told him no matter how hard the slap is, you can’t do that plus I was pregnant at the time.

I was in many situations when I was forced to have sex just to avoid getting abused later. I remember one time he was telling me that when in a married couple someone says oh my husband raped me he calls it b******t. And I tried explaining that it doesn’t matter you are married or not if the other person refuses to have sex and you force it when they say no it is rape. But he doesn’t understand this, because to him if you are in a relationship you always have to want it and always have to say yes to your partner because as soon as you say no this means you are having sex with somebody else on the side.

I am not sure how abusive your partner and how dangerous he could be to you, mine was extremely abusive to me as I was constantly covered in bruises, choked, etc. But he stopped the physical abuse since I got pregnant and had our child. And during that time had been physically abusive a couple times, it’s mainly coercive control now. But since the birth of our child something changed that I try to not to let him get to my head as much anymore so I did build up the courage to always tell him now when he’s being abusive, manipulative, gaslights me or just being toxic in general. Unless I am emotionally tired so I just don’t bother and ignore all he says.

But to be honest I think it is pointless to call them out on abusive behaviour, because all you will get either he will twist it all around and say that you started it all when he know himself it is not true or just deny it completely. Either way you will not get any sympathy from them and as much as you would want it, it will not make them to sit and really think that they are doing something wrong.

I hope you find a secure place soon and will be able to move away from him and start a safer and happier life. 😊❤️

[Bananaboat]

Calling him out won’t change him, he knows what he did, and he’s not displaying any regretful type behaviours from what you say. You could tell an abuser that grass is green and they’d still either argue it’s blue, or manipulate you into thinking you’re wrong for thinking it’s green, you are not dealing with a rational person with abuse. Focus on staying safe and getting out.x

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