Should I trust my gut?

[Nevermore]

I’m not sure if anybody will read this so feeling a bit stupid as never done anything like this before and I’ve not been physically hurt so don’t want to take anything away from anyone else who has been through something serious, so sorry if I offend anyone…but here goes…
My boyfriend is (detail removed by moderator). We’ve been together (detail removed by moderator)now and I am madly in love with him. The problem is my gut is telling me something is not right with him. If I’m honest with myself I think I saw red flags early in the relationship but chose to ignore them as I was so in love. At the very beginning of our relationship he screamed at me in public (detail removed by moderator). It was out of nowhere because I apparently didn’t do as he wanted and he told me if he tells me to do something then to do it etc. I was in utter shock but afterwards he acted like nothing had happened which really confused me and made me feel like it actually didn’t happen. I just thought maybe cultural differences? A (detail removed by moderator) it happened again, over nothing, just because I changed my mind over eating out instead of in. This time he apologised and said he would never speak to me like that again. He didn’t ….for about maybe (detail removed by moderator), since then he has screamed at and humiliated me in public (detail removed by moderator) more times, each time people have been staring and looking very concerned. Other things like severe road rage and driving dangerously. He often calls me stupid and tells me to shut up. We were playing a (detail removed by moderator) game once and he screamed at me and asked if I was stupid because I got us killed. Every time I bring these things up to try to talk about he threatens to split up with me and go back to (detail removed by moderator) so now I am in the position where I am too scared to bring anything up and feel like I must just be better at everything for him. He often tells lies and lies about things, he will literally deny his own actions have happened that 100% JUST happened in-front of both our eyes and will call me mental for thinking they happened and not believing his word when I know they did happen. He didn’t make any plans for my (detail removed by moderator)  birthday and when I got upset he told me I was acting like a spoilt child and said I had no respect for him after all the money he spends on me, I laid next to him crying on the bed and he just ignored me. I have (detail removed by moderator) diabetes and woke in the night with low blood sugar, instead of staying with me and getting me sugar I had to get it myself whilst I was shaking and stumbling and he just went back to sleep instead of checking on me. He tells me I’m lazy and messy (I am messy) and that it’s not proper but I work 2 jobs from (detail removed by moderator) and he was unemployed at this time. He made me come off of my anti depressants as he said it means he doesn’t make me happy so I did and suffered awful withdrawal symptoms for months,for him then to call me mental over an argument and say it’s better if I go back on the tablets. He FaceTimes me multiple times throughout the day and I often feel the need to pretend I am doing something or he will go back to calling me lazy and say how did I know you wouldn’t be doing anything when in reality I have a (detail removed by moderator) hour break after leaving one job to the next so like to rest while I can. But recently a few things have happened that have had me worried, something happened that scared me. We were out (detail removed by moderator) and he wanted to buy me a gift,I said no as it was too expensive so I took it out of the trolley when he wasn’t looking, when we got home he asked me where it was and I started to laugh and told him (detail removed by moderator), all of a sudden he turned, his whole face changed into pure rage, I was taking a sip (detail removed by moderator) and he drew back his arm and hit the bottom of the bottle so it went into my face and the water all over me. This was all while my family were in the room next to us. I ran off in shock and told him I’m pretty sure that counts as abuse and he laughed in my face and told me it was only a joke. But he was not laughing when he did it. He was absolutely furious. He is often rough with me and will pull or push me in the direction he wants me to walk in and has pulled my hair before when he wanted a kiss. He does things that he says are a joke but they physically hurt as he is very big and strong, he slaps my face with his hand and likes to suck on parts of my body so it leaves bruises even on my face which as a (detail removed by moderator)  old woman is humiliating. He also gets aroused when I cry which I find very disturbing. (Detail removed by moderator) if we drive past a woods or anything similar he jokes that he’s going to kill me and chop my body up and hide it there (I really believe this is just a joke but isn’t that passive aggressive?). Is any of this sounding even remotely like any form of abuse? He’s not jealous or controlling – quite the opposite- I often get jealous when he likes girls on social media but he couldn’t care less when I like men. Everybody loves him as they see the extremely bubbly side of him when we are out and the times between these moments he takes me places all the time where we will have normal happy days, is always affectionate, buys me gifts and constantly tells me he loves me and plans our future etc which is why it is all so confusing. Is he just joking as he says or not thoughtful or maybe just childish and selfish or is this abuse? Any opinions would be very welcome and sorry it was so long but I’ve not mentioned any of this to anybody. Thank you.

 

[Anonymous]

He’s a charmer and he’s an abuser and you are seeing everything exactly for what it is. Good for you!!! It’s so hard to see. We haven’t been taught all this love. None of us. I wish it was a required course in school but sadly it isn’t. Know your human predators 101! You need to get away from this man, the sooner the better. Nothing good will come of it and what you were in love with – was an illusion. That’s what they do. They listen to you and they paint away, creating a disguise taylor made just for you.

Your gut, btw, your intuition/radar is there for a reason and it will save your life IF you will listen to it. A very wise owl that. Right inside us and will guide us but again here, we have to listen to it and make it loud By listening to it.

But of course he can be oh so wonderful and charming. For most people like this it’s their first nature to do so. Some are born with a conscience or empathy at all so guess what? They learn how to hunt and trap their prey from the cradle. They mimic, they lovebomb, they manipulate, they lie, get you in the web and then guess what? Whoops, now a morsel of kindness or affection costs you double what it did before. Why? They are very stingy when it comes to “their energy” so they want a quick sell and then you become someone they can tap into with their fangs and draw out all of your good energy for themselves leaving you wanting and needing. Good to stop and say but how can he make me feel good and so horrible at the same time?

It’s abuse what he is doing. We have a thread here called Book Titles, tons of reading for you there, etc. Follow your gut because it is absolutely right on here. They are good at what they do. And if it wasn’t you it would be someone else with him. Quite sure he’s had a long history of doing this to women. I bet he knows more about you than you do about him………past what he’s told you of course.

Don’t like how you describe him at all. I think he enjoys the hurting you. That’s never good. He’s actually quite a dangerous man and I hope you see that. If not, you need to see it and see it now. Get away, get away, get away from him and stay away. If I could put up a red flag for you, it would be huge covering a city block. You owe him no explanation at all about doing the split. None of his business. Do what is right for you because this man is nothing but absolute trouble. Thank your gut because it’s right on!!

[Camel]

Hi Nevermore

Absolutely, definitely – trust your gut!! We tend to right off what is called our sixth sense but this is our subconscious processing information and shouting out the alarm when things are wrong.

Please don’t apologise or think what you’re experiencing is somehow low down on the abused scale. There isn’t a scale. Abuse is abuse and the fact that you’ve found yourself here is evidence enough that you know something is very wrong.

It’s interesting how we all invariably say that we love our abusers. Even early on. They exhibit deplorable behaviour and we’re the ones who worry, analyse and finally change OUR behaviour. I don’t know what it is we are taught as women but why don’t we walk away at the first red flag? When he abuses us in public, embarrassing us, scaring us, why don’t we walk away? When he’s critical, rude. lazy, nasty, dangerous, angry, scary, petulant, sulky, demanding, difficult – why do we say to ourselves ‘but I love him’?

If I treated another human being with such contempt, even once, I would be consumed with remorse and guilt. I’d do everything I could to make things right and make sure I never did it again. If I treated a partner like this I would expect them to leave and never look back.

What happens with abusers is they persuade us that the relationship is worth saving. But if we were allowed space to think clearly, we’d realise that no relationship should ever be this much hard work.

Take away the concept of love and what is left?

[Lottieblue]

You poor, lovely girl! You have absolutely come to the right place and we’ll done for being so brave in doing so! It’s a big step as it means that you have recognised that something is not right in your relationship.

I can assure you that there will be a stream of people coming in here to give you really good advice, concrete ways of moving forwards and getting out of your relationship – although you will find you need to be told to do that multiple times!

There are lots of strong women on here who are now free of their abusers. I’m afraid I’m not one of them. But I’m moving in the right direction.

Keep coming back, you’ll get loads of support. And please be careful xx

[Nevermore]

Thanks so much for all your lovely replies. Thank you for confirming what I didn’t want to admit. I am very heart broken right now. I now understand I need to leave but don’t feel strong enough or ready. I have tried to split up with him twice already over different incidents and both times he just ignored it and acted like nothing happened the next day. Luckily I am not isolating with him and am with my family so hopefully he will get the message this time. Thanks again. X

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. Sadly your in an extremely abusive relationship and yes you should trust your gut. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It was a real eye opener reading that book about abuse. I really though it was written about my ex. Abusers hid their abuse behind a ‘joke’. Hurting us then saying we don’t have a sense of humour or we can’t take a joke. Driving fast to scare us is very common too. Humiliating you in public is designed to destroy your self esteem and confidence. To dominate you he needs to destroy your confidence. Assaulting you with the water bottle then denying it. It’s gaslighting. Lying and making you feel confused. Acting like nothing has happened is mind blowing and leaves us confused and doubting our own sanity. It’s all deliberate and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He chooses to abuse you. Google the cycle of abuse. There’s often a honeymoon phase when things are going great, then there’s the anxiety and walking on eggshells as things build up to an awful abusive episode, then back to him denying it and love bombing you. And round and round it goes. The rages they can turn on and off in an instant so they’re not real. They’re contrived to hurt you. Any excuse will do. My ex used to go red in the face and puff himself up like a frightening animal. Intimidating me, scaring me. So I learned not to ask questions that I knew would anger him so he did what he liked and I became a shell of a person. Try ring the national domestic abuse helpline for a chat.i can tell you that abuse always gets worse and for me the mental scars run much deeper than the physical ever did. I’m still in therapy many years later x

[PinkandGlitter]

Hi, as a newbie here too trying to get my head around everything I just wanted to tell you that you have literally described my partner too. Ironically as I read your post my immediate gut reaction was to tell you to leave him, but then I realised hes identical to my partner so I should take my own advice. I’m actually surprised because mine always jokingly bumps into me which also can hurt and does the same thing where I can sit crying and he just ignores me too so thank you for sharing this as it resonates with me.if theres 1 thing I’ve learnt using this forum it’s that these women replying are highly knowledgeable and actually care about each and every one of us, so dont ever be afraid to reach out again. Considering I’ve never met them they have been my rock as I come to terms with things and they will be there for you too. Sending all my love x

[Anonymous]

“Hopefully He will get the message this time….”?? Magical thinking. He won’t. Not in him to do so. That’s still you thinking he’s the illusion you thought he was in the beginning, he’s not. You are being ruled by him as if you are an appendage to him and you’re not. You are your own person, right? A whole living person who has Rights, correct? Then exercise them. You don’t love who he truly Is, you don’t. You believe the lovebombing charmer imposter that he was in the beginning. Throw it away, it’s not true!! It’s okay, we make mistakes, these people are so very good at what they do. Forgive yourself and tear yourself away from the poison that he has infected you with. Like in the insect world, that poison is injected in you so that, you can become prey to them and serve them. Sooo….how is he giving to you in a very real consistent healthy way? To me, if someone has a bad day or moment, ok, however, they really do need at some point to smell themselves and make it right. I don’t need to tell them. If they have a conscience, they can do it themselves and need to without direction from me or anyone else. I would.

I don’t really like bending over and grabbing me ankles. Isn’t fun for me. You are not a slave and he is not your slave owner. Past behavior predicts future behavior. We loved and bought the illusion. It’s okay, we all do it. Leave it, in the sand, forgive yourself for it. You still wanting to fix him or be enough for him or try and try and try is only going to get you ran over by a freight train and then backed up on. So sorry to tell you that but it’s true.

Get out while you still can. Give him the boot. This won’t get better. It will get much much worse.They come for us because we are lovely and we are kind and we do have a conscience. We are good food for them and they will suck us dry and leave us spent and a shell of a person. You know what I mean……..so, just like I’d hope you’d get out of the way of an oncoming car, get out the way and stay away from him because he means you all harm, he really does. He could care less what happens to you. He’s just using up your energy and then on to the next one.

No needs to be no contact. Nothing. No going round and round in vicious mindnumbing circular reasoning because he gets off on all of this, makes him happy to do so, entertainment for him so you give him nothing, absolutely nothing. Don’t talk, don’t text, don’t email. Change your ph. no. whatever you need to do but you need to pull yourself away from this parasite and heal yourself and then start educating yourself, building up your self esteem, know who you really are, learn to love that person, demand respect for yourself, have boundaries and know that when you do find someone to love and be with – they won’t be “this” and it will be two wholes coming together, not two halves and definitely not someone leaching off the other one either.

Just because you believed his magical story here doesn’t mean you are bad, or worthless or guilty for everything here. Um, no, it doesn’t. Quite the opposite. It means you are human and like the rest of us. We all do, all fall for it. But we can get better at Not doing that……and we do. He’s a used car salesman. We like to be sold to and they know it. He’s poison. Just cut him off and then figure out your own self, your own hurts, your feelings/thoughts. But you have to be in a safe place to do this and with him in your life, it’s not a safe place for that at all. HUGS to you!! Sorry to be so blunt but it’s my nature. If someone is on fire, I’m going to tell you – you’re on fire. Trust your gut, get away from him, block him fro your life and stay away from him. You owe him No explanation as to why.

[Hope123]

Yes – trust your gut. Easier said than done and speaking as someone who ignored theirs for too long! Even if you just realise that what you are saying is true and you are not mad. You are not over sensitive. You are not lazy. His behaviour is the issue. Love to you and well done for posting.

[Anonymous]

One thing to know also is that alot of us who are victims of this kind of abuse from predatory people, male or female, is that we are usually highly empathetic, highly sensitive people as well. Look up – Are you an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person, or you might be an Intuitive. So you have this bright bright light shining all around you that human predators do see and it says Food!!! Energy Source!!! Blinking blinking! Blue light special over here!!

In order not to become food for them and in order to be wise about our energy storehouse and be a good steward of that means we have to know – who we Are. What our makeup and gift/talents are. I always found it quite interesting that predators knew when I saw them and then they came for me. This is actually after I’d have quite a bit of healing already so not stupid yet still vulnerable. But I had gifts that were inborn. They knew it, sensed it and properly beaten up, confused and hurt, I was like caviar to them. They’d pass up alot of people to just come for “me”. I did so love the times when I was actually on my game and though they tried, they got chewed up, spit out and ran like little girls.

So we kinda sorta have to see who we are here. Own our own womanhood/warrior/medicine woman/queen status because we are all that and much more more. We are the medicine women of this planet so we kinda need to act like it. Own it, take back what is ours. Study up, do our research and help heal ourselves and then the planet because if we don’t no one will. They aren’t equipped. Only we are.

We have skills and they are in slumber state, just needs a nudge to Wake it all UP! It’s there, in our genetics, our DNA, markers can be switched on, our history on this planet. We………..are like Mother Earth here………without us, all life fails. Like a fine violin who needs what? A good, very precise, well crafted case to be carried in because the violin is so finely tuned and fragile. We are like that, we need to be aware of it. You can’t walk out into a rainstorm with that kind of violin, bang it about, get it wet and expect it to play beautiful music right? That would be called – self sabotage. Look that one up. If we don’t believe that we are worthy then we will attract To us what is very unworthy and then we wonder why we get so beaten up. We sent out the invitation and they answered it. Our belief about ourselves then needs to be changed. If it’s causing us so much pain, it’s usually because there are lies afoot and they most likely did not come from us. We had “help”….probably early on in life. We need to be do ta bit of weeding then. Pulling up things in our psyche by the roots, be sure to get them all out!

I muse that we at this point in our history where the lame patriarchal apes walk about bullying everyone and we think that’s our fate. Um, it’s not unless we allow it. Look up – The Baboon Troop that Mellowed Out After the Alpha Males Died. We’ve forgotten who we are. We need to remember!! Maybe study elephants and hyenas. They are all matriarchal. History doesn’t actually record things in truth. Much has been erased. No matter. We know in our gut who we are, right?

[Wants To Help]

Hi Nevermore,

You are absolutely right in your gut, so PLEASE trust it. This man is an abuser, he is a Coercive Controller. The examples you have given us shows he has no respect for you at all. There are no signs that you are compatible in any way. Forget what he may look like on the outside, it’s what he is on the inside that matters. For your own mental and physical health you need to break away from this man TODAY. I know that’s easier said than done, but I believe in your heart that you know this too.

If you do not live together, have no financial ties, no children, it should be easier to break free of him. I say SHOULD, but I know that is not always the case. There is always the HOPE that he will change / he’s not as bad as you think he is / or he’s just having a bad/stressful day!

I believe that every woman has her own boundary of acceptable behaviour and only she will know when this has been breached and will react to it accordingly. In the meantime, knowledge is power, so gather information and make your decisions about what you want to do. By posting on here you are making a great, positive start. You have now gathered information from others that your boyfriend is abusive and you are right to trust your gut instinct. The next stage for you is to choose what you want to do with that information. Keep us posted, good luck, stay strong x

[Nevermore]

Thank you everyone who has replied, I appreciate your kind words so much. I have an update and wow…very long story short- I found out he’s been having an affair with a woman (detail removed by moderator). I was aware of her from his social media as I saw photos of her here on the exact weekend he was ‘working away’. I had asked him about it and I’m sure you can guess, he screamed in my face, told me I was crazy and jealous and said he would leave me if I continued etc, he didn’t speak to me for a whole day. Well I was right all along and it’s been going on since (detail removed by moderator). She has kids, (detail removed by moderator). Not only that, but he was in a relationship when we met and came here and cheated on her with me!!! I feel so sick, I would never ever do that to another woman knowingly, how dare he make me do that. I feel so violated. I ended it with him as soon as I found my proof,(on his social media page he had blocked me from!) his response ‘bla bla bla, (detail removed by moderator)’. I’ve blocked him on everything, didn’t even give him time to respond with more lies. I don’t know why I feel so heart broken considering all the, as I now know abuse. I’ve literally given this monster everything- he’s lived in my home, I’ve cooked and cleaned after him, lent him (detail removed by moderator), taken out car finance in my name, I even paid his parking fines while he was with her! I feel so so angry that he just gets to walk off into the sunset with this woman and play happy families while I’m left picking up all the pieces of my shattered self. Do you think I should warn her of what he is really like, especially as she has children? although he is great with children so I’m sure he will treat her well. I don’t know what to do

 

[diymum@1]

Always trust your gut 💕always xx this is typical abuser behaviour a lot like I suffered too – don’t underestimate this as it is very damaging what he is doing. You will probably be trauma bonded to him but please stand fast and go no contact with him while u have support around you. It’s probably the best time. I also want to reassure you of this (because I am the same) you are good and you are worthy of respect. This isn’t personal he is a cheat and an abuser and he will treat anyone that comes into his path this way xx it’s really important that this resonates because if we let this sink in that we’re not worthy this is what destroys us xx stay strong and safe love diymum 😘💕💪

[Camel]

Hi Nevermore

I just read this update and I understand your distress. But know as fact that you have done nothing wrong. You were deceived, just as this other woman has been deceived.

My abuser also cheated on me with his ex. That’s what they do. What fun it must be for them, having all these women turning their lives inside out to make theirs more comfortable and sex on demand. They must feel like god’s gift to women.

Generally the advice is not to contact the other women – that we shouldn’t get embroiled in the drama and should walk away and not look back. And to be honest, the chances of being listened to and believed are slim. I received an anonymous letter through the door and absolutely believed my abuser when he talked his way out of it. Would you have believed this woman if she told you what was going on?

You really need to be looking after yourself first and foremost. (Maybe get yourself checked for STDs?) Continuing to concern yourself with him and what he does (or has done) is keeping you bound to him. In my experience extricating yourself is a slow process. You’ll be tempted to look him up on social media. You won’t be truly free of him until you really don’t give a s**t whether he’s alive or dead.

[Wants To Help]

This is awful for you, and you are feeling so bad because not only have you been abused, you have been conned by this man in many ways. He is not the man you thought he was and you are probably not sure exactly who you have been living with. Everything you thought was real was a lie.

My advice is not to contact this woman. She is likely to know what he’s like but also feels she doesn’t deserve any better. To contact her and let her know how awful he is will probably make him feel like you want him back and her think you’re just a woman scorned. Believe me, there will be no ‘happy families’ there, so please don’t beat yourself up over the thought that she’s going to end up with the wonderful man you think is buried deep down in him somewhere! He doesn’t exist.

As Barbara Cartland once said – “The best revenge you can get on a woman who steals your man is to let her keep him!”

[SunshineRainflower]

He sounds absolutely awful, very abusive, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Yes, absolutely 100% always always always trust your gut. Look up the Power and Control wheel in google, and the Cycle of Abuse. Ring the helpline and make a plan to leave this man. It already sounds like he is very abusive to you, it will only get worse, it always does. Make sure he doesn’t know you are planning on leaving as they can become very dangerous at that stage. Keep sharing on here and we can help you leave him safely alongside the helpline workers.

[SunshineRainflower]

Just seen your update. He will 100% try to get back with you, they always do, so be ready for that and don’t fall for the lies and victim playing. Look up ‘hoovering’ online in terms of abusive relationships and it will make sense (they try to ‘hoover’ us back into the relationship).
These types of men almost always have several women on the go at once, playing them all off eachother. I think my ex was in a relationship with a woman he worked with, or was at least aiming to be, plus cheating on me with random women and I even think he cheated with men from some evidence I found. You are right they are monsters with no empathy or conscience and they lie and cheat and then project the blame onto us or tell us we’ve imagined it all (gaslighting).
Well done for going with your gut, keep listening to it.

[ineedsomeadviseplease]

Listen to your gut. Do a research about n**********c abuse and you will find more answers to that.
I’ve started reading this and all I can say is only you know your life and we are here to support you. I’d read your own story pretending to be a friend telling you this. What would your advise be for her?

[Author]

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