- This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hello lovely ladies. Help me please with this one.
My husband does not appear to get why I have left and broken up our family consisting of our two very much wanted after (Detail removed by Moderator) of fertility treatment young children. He gaslights and minimises and plays the victim every time we have any sort of contact.
Should I write it all down in a letter? I feel sad and frustrated that he literally blames me and he is the victim and I am the bad person. Would it help or do any harm if I was to write it to him just to be completely clear what has actually gone on here? He makes out I planned it all along and I have this great life now when actually what has happened is I am a shell, looking after our beautiful children, trying to ensure minimal impact on them, I have wonderful family and friend support because I’m a nice person but I’m on medication and in therapy. It’s making me sad and frustrated that he insists on this victim stance and I’ve left him all alone without me and his children. It’s like he literally doesn’t recognise what he was like.
I now know him to be a covert n********t. I’m reading everything I can. It makes for very sad reading 🙁
x
-
-
-
He just seems so lost and charming and genuine and sad. Sending messages tonight saying how hard it is when I collect the children and he’s left alone. Ugh. I feel so horrible. But I didn’t want this. I wanted to be a family. I just couldn’t take his behaviour anymore and I know he won’t change. I just wish he could and I wish none of this happened and I wish we could’ve been enough to make him be alright and be nicer, or rather just not have whatever ism or personality disorder he may or may not have due to his childhood so therefore it’s not his fault so I should’ve stayed with him to help him!
Yep. Ugh. This is my brain forever more it feels like.
X
-
No do not send him anything, it is truly precious time wasted on him. He will not appreciate it, he will manipulate and twist the entire content, making you feel very misunderstood, hurt and very sad with his stubborn incomprehension for what you went through.
Write the letter if you wish, without sending it. Read it out loud, imagining him on front of you or have a friend or family member stand in front of you and have them react like a normal human being would, like he should actually behave, meaning taking responsibility for what he has done.
He abused you therefore broke up your family, not you. It’s on his shoulder.
There is no excuse for abuse. Never.
If he would like to address issues about his childhood, he should consult a therapist, not go to you.
There are millions of people with childhood issues, but they do not choose to abuse others.Enjoy fully and without any guilt your beautiful family life and friends. You deserve every minute of it.
-
Hi Itwillbeokay,
I agree with other’s replies above – it would serve no purpose. My husband also said I was planning to divorce him all along and that he was the victim and I the abuser. Said I had made up the sexual coercion and rape. What he did to me, you could not make up! It was, and still is all about him, how he is the victim in all this.
I agree, write the letter and tear it into tiny pieces. You will not get acknowledgement of his behaviours. You will not get an apology. They know full well what they are/were doing, but are in some deluded fantasy that it is justified.
I have found journaling very helpful. It is a safe place to get all the feelings out. Sometimes its just a few words and others it may start off fairly tame but can be full of rage and swearing by the end! I’ve tried ‘writing’ him a letter (never intending to send) before but can’t seem to get past his name! There is still just too much, don’t know where to even start?! Sometimes my journaling will switch from ‘him’ to ‘you’ mid writing but this is as close as I have got!
Stay strong hon,
Iwillbeok
-
Hey love, he doesn’t have a personality disorder or a hard childhood that made him that way. I had a hard childhood and it makes me more empathic to people. His only problem is that he think he is entitled to abuse you because you are his property, there to meet his needs. Have you read Why Does he Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It is a brilliant textbook to why he is how he is:
you can find quotes here: (link removed by Moderator)
He appears charming and sad and genuine because he is hoovering.
In regards to your letter, he won’t ever get why you left and he will use it against you to manipulate you and make you feel like the bad one because he wants to regain control of you so that you can fulfil all his everlasting needs. He will never get that you left because of his abuse because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.
You deserve better and there are far, far better men out there for you x
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
